


Over Again

by sincewewereeighteen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Bisexual Harry, Blowjobs, Bottom Harry, Ed Sheeran - Freeform, F/M, Famous Zayn, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Light Angst, Los Angeles, Love, M/M, Music Management, Old Feelings, Sex, Top Louis, azoff, because of course, break ups, old lovers to friends to lovers again, over again, producer liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-21 02:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 53,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6034552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincewewereeighteen/pseuds/sincewewereeighteen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry moved out of Doncaster at the age of 18, he left behind way more than a box of memories buried in his backyard. Fast-forward many years and he's happy again in Los Angeles. And he's got things figured out. And his life is complete. And then he sees Louis again, which may change things a little bit.</p><p>This is not a story about not getting over your high-school boyfriend. This is a story about moving on, about knowing that your first love can be just that- your first love. But it's also a story about falling for the same person again - at a different age, at a different time, in a different circumstance. Simply because it's meant to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Send My Love To Your New Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! Here I am again with a new story. I know it seems like I have much time in my hands, but it's actually the opposite. I blame it all on @larryhatesana and her thirst for different AUs. 
> 
> At first it was supposed to be a long oneshot, but I've settled for five parts. I'll try and update every two weeks - uni's about to start again + work's been a bitch. I really hope you like it for I am happy to make Harry and Louis fall in love again <3 (and again, and again, and forever.)
> 
> All the love as always,  
> M.

 

 

 

  _“I’m giving you up, I’ve forgiven it all. You set me free (…)_

_We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts, we both know we ain’t kids no more.”_

 

 

            Harry doesn’t remember the last time he was able to wake up after seven am on a week day and without an alarm clock, but maybe being one of the youngest top executives of a music management company does that to a person. As it is, he doesn’t get to complain much; especially because it’s everything he’s ever wanted.      

            He lives in a spacious apartment in Beverly Hills and he gets two months off every year – he can take them whenever he wants, as long as they’re not together. He can’t be away for more than three weeks. He works with his best friends and he’s met two other great guys along the way. Harry rolls with a great crowd these days.

            He’s in a steady relationship, but it’s never suffocating – it’s light, it’s simple, it’s good and it’s fulfilling; he may even be in love, it’s a possibility. It definitely is more difficult to get up whenever Amy is by his side on the bed.

            “Please don’t go in today”, she hums on his chest, her blonde hair tickling his chin.

            “Wish I could stay…” He says, eyes still closed.

            “No, you don’t, you love your job”, Amy laughs lightly and looks up, kissing him close mouthed.

            “Jeff hired new people last week, we’re receiving them today…” He yawns, “God, let’s never go out on Sunday nights again, please”, Harry pleads.

            “It wasn’t my idea, love”, she teases him and he agrees, knowing he was the one to convince her that _not_ attending her parents’ dinner party would be extremely impolite. Harry yawns once again, kisses her one more time and gets out of bed making his way to the bathroom.

            Amy joins him a few minutes later, they have shower sex and he’s ready to start the day.

 

            When he gets into the car and starts driving, his phone’s already going off with messages from Cameron telling him how happy he is that he’s finally free of that prick Zayn Malik, and Zayn, on the other hand, is celebrating as well, because he doesn’t have to deal with that “fucking idiot” called Cameron. He likes both of them and will never truly understand why they fought so much, but while Cameron assures him he is a _manager_ and not a babysitter, Zayn swears that he’s better off on his own than with someone who controls his every move.

            _I’m fucking 27, Harry, if I wanted to be treated like a teenager I would’ve continued with Modest_ , he barked on the phone little less than a month ago, when Harry sat with Jeff, his partner at the company, to try and decide what they were going to do. It was settled that they’d reassign Cameron to someone younger and more… Tamed – maybe an actress, because they are way easier to handle than an R&B singer who is a part time model and likes weed better than people – and find Zayn a better fit.

            “You know the new lawyer? The one that’s coming from the UK?” Jeff asked that day.

            “Yeah, what about him?”

            “One of his conditions was that he could bring his fiancé in… He seems like a good guy, the fiancé. His resume is good, I mean, he’s worked with some of Simon’s acts on the X Factor.”

            “We could give it a go”, Harry agreed. “There’s always Niall to help him out. At least _Niall_ is someone that Zayn likes.”

            Niall was Zayn’s personal assistant, but more like a friend of them all – whoever disliked the guy had a serious problem. Harry met him in college when they’d both just transferred. Harry was studying business and Niall music, and they shared some classes because their interests were pretty much the same.

 

            He arrives at the office at nine thirty knowing he’s a bit late, but instead of giving him shit, Jeff only rolls his eyes when he says “Amy spent the weekend”.

            They aren’t meeting with the new hires until after lunch, because their flight got delayed in London and they arrived this morning, so Harry relaxes and goes through his emails trying to decide which problem to solve first.

             For someone who once wanted to be a singer, working in the background isn’t bad at all. His sixteen year old self wouldn’t be very happy with him, if he’s perfectly honest, but his 25 year old one is quite satisfied with what he does. The music industry is a bad, _bad_ place, and although working in PR demands that he bends his morals sometimes, Irving has always prided himself in not crossing the line of _respect_ towards his acts or the public, and when he signed everything over to his son, he promised he’d continue with this line of work.

            Harry is extremely glad he gets to be a part of it. _Yes_ , they sometimes organize photo-ops, _yes_ , they put on some PR stunts that are good for both parts (and only if the artists _agree_ ), _yes_ , they control narratives. But they never do anything that takes away the artists’ integrity; they never force them to do anything. That’s why reading Sony’s email makes Harry want to puke.

            You see, Liam Payne is a great producer. Probably the best of his age out there at the moment. When Zayn had a fall out with Naughty Boy three years ago, Harry was just starting in the business and gave him a call, and he was so quick in accepting to work with them that Harry knows he owes him one. Except… He’s really angry with his label right now. So he calls him.

 

            “Tell me you’re not serious”, is the first thing he says when Liam picks up.

            “ _Harry?_ ” He asks like he’s just woken up. Well, fuck him. Harry wishes he could be asleep as well.

            “You wanna postpone it? Seriously Liam? This is code for canceling, and you know it.”

            “ _Just the tour, not the album.”_ He sighs and Harry’s about to interrupt him when he speaks again, _“-Listen, H! You’re my friend, yeah? And I like Zayn just fine but-”_

            “Don’t.”

            _“His image sucks, Harry… Yeah, it’s good for his Hollywood persona, and it works in New York and maybe London, but- the label is worried it isn’t enough.”_

            “What do you mean?”

            _“Have you seen his demographics?”_ Liam asks.

            “Fifteen to twenty eight, yeah, it’s kind of my job to be aware of this.”

_“Well… Focus on fifteen to twenty two.”_

            “Meaning?”

            _“Meaning going on a world tour right after releasing pictures of you kissing a few boys, doing some body shots and smoking some pot is a terrible idea, no matter how_ evolved _the world is.”_

            Harry runs a hand through his hair, the other one clutching his phone so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. He knows it, is the thing. Zayn is a _great_ person, but he’s a rebel, is the thing. Cameron said he was a child, but it’s the complete opposite, isn’t it? He isn’t a child. He’s a grown man, an adult, someone who is sure about everything in his life – from his family values to his music style and making him go against who he is for the sake of ticket sales would be mean. Except for the fact that, apparently, it is what is needed right now.

            _“He doesn’t have to change yeah?_ ” Liam speaks again, noticing that Harry hasn’t responded yet. “ _We just need him to be more - open. Towards people, in general. Because on top of everything, canceling radio interviews ten minutes before going on air during promo season just makes him an ass.”_

            “Fuck”, Harry sighs.

            _“You understand me, don’t you?”_

            Harry does.

            “Give me a few weeks before postponing it, Li”, Harry asks. “He kind of fired Cameron and there’s a new guy coming in today. Jeff says he’s good… Maybe he and Niall can talk some sense into him, yeah? And I will too and- just don’t- don’t postpone it for now.”

            _“This guy better be a miracle worker then”_ , Liam snorts. “ _I can hold the decision for three weeks, but nothing more and- and he needs to squeeze as many interviews as possible till then, yeah?”_

            “I’ll even throw some meet and greets”, Harry laughs. “Thanks, Li.”

            _“Yeah, yeah”,_ Liam dismisses. _“Are we still up for golf on Friday?”_

            “Sure, mate, see you then.”

            “ _Bye, Harry.”_

Harry sits back on his chair and makes mental notes to talk to the new guy before he meets with Zayn – which is probably gonna be on Friday, when Zayn comes back from New York to go to the company party the next day –, and then talk to Zayn before he meets with the new guy, to at least ask him to _be nice_.

           

            When it’s midday, Jeff knocks on his door so they can go and grab lunch two streets from the office and Harry tells him about the Zayn situation. Since both of them deal with PR and consequently the hell that are record labels and TV networks, Harry takes on the music clients (and the few models they work with) and Jeff the actors and actresses, leaving smaller – and supposedly equally important – _celebrities_ to junior associates.

            “Liam’s right. We gotta hope this guy can work miracles”, Jeff half laughs half sighs worriedly when they enter his room.

            “Where are they, by the way?” Harry asks.

            “Aiden just sent a text, they’re in the elevator.” He answers and calls his assistant to let her know both men are expected.

            Harry’s already cleared his afternoon schedule to get to know both the lawyer and the new manager. He is texting his girlfriend about the gala next weekend and at the same time thinking about a plan to make Zayn agree with the changes they need to make in a few weeks (without making him unhappy) when the door clicks open and Nora announces Mr. Grimshaw and Mr. Tomlinson are coming in.

            And the thing is… _The thing is_ Harry’s brain barely registers the _Mr. Tomlinson_ information when Jeff’s voice salutes them and Harry has to get up as well. He hears his voice before he actually sees him, but just because he’s too scared to look up.

            “Nice to meet you in person, Jeff”, Mr. Tomlinson… _Louis_ says, with that undeniably and so strong Yorkshire accent.

            “You too, Louis. This is Harry, the other executive I told you guys about…” Jeff says cheerfully and points towards him.

            “ _Oh fuck_ ”, is what Louis says and- and Jeff doesn’t seem to understand, Mr. Grimshaw, Aiden, Harry recalls, arches his eyebrows and  Harry… Harry finally looks at him.

 

            Harry has a terrible memory. His mother is always telling him about the day she met _Brian from second grade_ at the supermarket or how beautiful _Jennifer_ _from kindergarten_ is and he’s lost count of how many times he’s told her that he doesn’t remember those people. Yeah, they were a part of his life once, but chances are that if he sees them on the street, he wouldn’t recognize a single person.

            Louis though… Harry can tell how Louis looked and sounded in each year of the past, and now, looking at him, he can tell everything that’s changed. And everything that’s remained the same.

            His eyes, for example, are still Harry’s favorite color – when people ask, he answers _ocean blue_ , but _Louis’ blue_ is what he thinks. His hair is shorter than the last time they saw each other, but it still looks soft and the caramel color hasn’t faded. How could it? Nothing about Louis just _fades._ Louis _shines_.

            He has stubble now, Harry notices. He used to say he’d never let it grow because it’d make him look older and Louis _dreaded_ looking/being older – and he does look older, but Harry decides he also looks amazing with it.

            Another thing he notices, and maybe he shouldn’t at first, but he just _sees_ it, because he’s shamelessly analyzing every little detail, is that Louis is covered in tattoos. He had _two_ when they were still in each other’s lives, an _oops!_ on his arm and a rope on his wrist, complementing Harry’s _hi_ and his anchor – both in the same places as Louis’. (He can’t even imagine how many more Louis’ gotten, since he himself has over thirty on his body now.)

            And he should say something, right? Anything really. He tries to choke out something better than “oh fuck”, but since Louis is equally stunned, he guesses the both of them are being awkward, so it’s _less_ terrible than it’d be if Louis had acted nonchalantly towards him.

            “Have you suddenly lost your tongue or…?” Jeff elbows him and chuckles.

            “I-”, Harry starts. It’d be easy to say “nice to meet you”. It’d be easy to pretend he hadn’t loved Louis in the past. But he… He can’t. And it’s okay. In the end, “ _Lou_ ” is all he says, in that tone that has always been completely reserved for him, the one Harry hasn’t used since he was eighteen.

            “Hi, Hazz.” He replies weakly, but smiling.

            Oh Jesus. Louis is here with his fiancé. Harry has a girlfriend, Harry is his boss, and Louis is here with his _fiancé_. But none of it matters because he really, really wants to hug him – his childhood friend, his _best friend_ really, his first love. And there’s nothing wrong with a hug, is there? Both Aiden and Jeff already noticed that they know each other, so what harm can it do, really?

            Harry surges forward at the same time Louis opens his arm and it’s like he’s home after many, many years.

            “It’s been a long time”, Louis says over his shoulder.

            “Too long”, Harry agrees.

            “Yeah.”

            They separate and-

            “I’m guessing you two know each other?” Jeff asks.

            “Me and Louis we- we go way back.” Harry settles for.

            “We met when we were, what? Ten?” Louis asks and laughs.

            “I was ten, you were thirteen… I moved in January, I guess?”

            “Yeah”, he agrees as if he’s remembering the exact same scene as Harry. “By your birthday the next month our mothers had already realized what a terrible idea it was to insist we became friends.”

            Harry laughs and lets his mind wander through their cake fight at ten thirty pm on that first of February.

            “What were the odds, huh?”, Aiden asks.

            “Close to zero, if you ask me”, Louis tells him.

            “Let’s all sit, shall we?” Jeff moves towards the sofas and they go easily. Harry has the decency to sit by his friend’s side while Louis and Aiden take the other sofa, across from them. “I had no idea you were working with Azoff”, Louis turns his attention back to Harry. “I was sure you’d end up in a studio.”

            “Jeff was my roommate back in college… It just happened, I guess”, Harry tells him. _I would’ve told you if you had picked up any of my calls during my first year away_. “How did you end up here?”

            “Aiden”, is all Louis says. “Oh, you mean- managing?” Harry nods. “Mark.”

            “What d’you mean?” Harry frowns.

            “I had three options if I wanted him to pay for college after… Everything that happened”, he shrugs and doesn’t go into details because Harry _knows_. “Business, law, medicine. Business seemed less of a hassle.”

            “No drama, then?” Harry asks with a smile only a tad sad.

            “A lot of drama, just not the way I wanted”, Louis replies with the same smile.

            Jeff knows _a lot_ about Harry’s life, but very little about his past. And Harry has no idea of what Louis has told Aiden, but he seemed to know who Mark is and didn’t even seem bothered, so maybe not much. And it’s ridiculous how they are both acting like they aren’t there for work and there aren’t two other people in the room who have no idea what they’re talking about – at least not of the meaning behind everything – but he hasn’t seen Louis since he was eighteen years old, and his eighteen year old self only saw _LouisLouisLouis_ whenever they were in the same room, so it’s difficult for 25 year old Harry to catch up and understand it isn’t like that anymore.

            “Jeff said you’ve worked with Simon Cowell, so you’ve been doing all right for yourself…” He smiles trying to improve the mood.

            “As if”, Aiden snorts speaking again. “Simon’s an ass.”

            “Agreed”, Jeff says.

            “Simon’s made us rich”, Louis points and puts a hand on Aiden’s thigh. “But yeah, he’s an ass.”

            “He hates us”, Harry shrugs.

            “Oh, we know”, Aiden says and starts telling them about the fit he threw at them when they invited him over to dinner and they told him they’d be working with the Azoffs now and moving to the United States.

            Aiden is a nice guy. He’s got great brown hair going on for him and equally brown eyes, a friendly smile and great posture. According to Jeff he’s also super intelligent and graduated top of his class at Oxford. Harry wishes he had read both his and Louis’ resume when his friend emailed them to him instead of just trusting Jeff. _Of Course_ they’d still be here, in this room, right now, but Harry would’ve liked to be more prepared.

            (Whoever says that what’s in the past stays in the past clearly doesn’t know Harry, because his past is currently his present, and while he is okay with what was left in his teenage years, he doesn’t know the first thing about handling this right now.)

            “So, should we talk business then?” Jeff asks.

            “We should”, Harry agrees. “Actually, we have to”, he rubs his eyes and looks at his phone quickly. “Hm, I don’t know if Jeff told you, Louis, but you’ll be working with Zayn Malik.”

            “I’m aware.”

            “D’you know him?”

            “Saw him once, at the X Factor actually… Seems like an okay guy.”

            “Yeah, he is”, Harry says. “But he also needs… Change.”

            “He’s being nice now”, Jeff laughs. “Zayn’s tour is about to get postponed because the label doesn’t believe he’ll sell enough tickets worldwide due to his latest behavior.”

            “We need him to do as many interviews as possible in the next couple of weeks and tone down the weed and the people.”

            “People?” Louis asks.

            “Guys. Girls.” Harry offers.

            “He’s bi?”

            “He’s… Free.”

            “Where have I heard this before?” Louis muses, mouth pressed in a thin line as if he’s trying really hard not to smile.

            When they were younger and didn’t want or know how to define themselves, they’d say they were _free_ ; they loved who they loved, and that was it. Eventually Harry found out that he was bi, yeah, but could barely date three guys in the US.

            “I have no idea”, Harry replies equally amused. “Have you come to a conclusion?”

            “Yeah. You?” Louis asks back.

            “Yes.” But neither of them tells the other what it is, for now.

            The conversation continues as Harry and Jeff explain to Aiden and Louis what they’ll be doing at the company, and while Aiden will work on the fourteenth floor with the other lawyers on contracts and whatnot, Louis will have an office on the same floor as theirs, right by Cameron’s side. They explain to him that because Niall’s a PA, he’s much more on the field with Zayn than Louis will need to be, that’s why he has a room.

            Harry lets Jeff handle most of the talking, if he’s being completely honest, but just because he doesn’t trust himself to be extremely professional when there’s so much more he wants to reminisce with Louis.

            They dated for two years, Harry and Louis. He was sixteen when he finally accepted he was in love with his older _boy_ friend and Louis was eighteen when he realized there was no running away from that curly kid who smiled too much and loved to cuddle even if it was super-hot during summer. Before that, they’d been living in each other’s pockets already.

            There wasn’t a point in which Harry decided he loved Louis. He fell in love with him during his teenage years, yes, but sometimes he thinks he loved Louis all long, and would never stop loving him. That’s actually one of the reasons why they ended things in such good terms when Robin got transferred _again_ and Anne told him they were moving to the US.

            It wasn’t a bad break-up; it wasn’t _actually_ a break up, it was just a _you know this won’t work with us living in different continents_ thing. They were together until the last day and Louis and his mom took them to the airport. They said goodbye and good luck, they kissed more in front of their mothers that day than they had during all the time they were together. They never spoke to each other again.

            Harry tried, because they promised they’d remain friends. And Louis replied _once_ , wishing him a happy birthday the other year. But then December came and Harry sent him a message that Louis didn’t reply, just like he hadn’t the many others that year, so he eventually gave up. He sometimes asks Anne about Jay and the girls, and even though his mother _knows_ what he means, she just smiles and pretends she doesn’t, tells him they’re all facebook friends and he should create one profile there one of these days and he’d see it for himself. Right now Harry’s wondering if Louis has a facebook, if he and Anne are friends there.

 

            It isn’t difficult to be in Louis’ presence. It’s quite pleasant, because that’s just how Louis is, how he always has been: easy to be around. When he knocked on Harry’s door for the first time with a football in his hands and his kit on and said _hi, mum said you just moved and we should be friends, wanna play?_ , Harry didn’t even ask his name before telling him he’d take only a minute to change his clothes (but not before almost hitting his head on the door and laughing out an _oops –_ hence the tattoos). He couldn’t play for shit, but Louis taught him until he got good enough – it took him three years, but eventually Harry even made into their high school football team.

            He now calls it soccer after being in America for so many years. The day Louis finds this out, he’ll snort loudly, roll his eyes to the back of his head and tease Harry till the end of times, and his stomach kind of flips thinking about how much he’ll laugh when it happens.

            “… So I guess I’ll just show Aiden his floor then and since you and Louis are already acquainted you can show him around and have the meeting you were telling me about?” Jeff pulls him out of his thoughts.

            “Yeah, of course”, Harry smiles politely and gets up.

            “We should call Niall in to meet Louis as well”, his friend suggests.

            “Fuck’s sake, Jeff, Niall’s in New York with Zayn, get your dates straight”, he says and laughs. Jeff never knows where anybody is. Harry’s sure he would be nowhere without Nora and always teases him about she being his work-wife. May Glenne (Jeff’s _actual_ wife) never hears this.

            “Oh, yeah, when’s he coming back?”

            “They’re both coming on Friday, because of the Gala on Saturday…”

            “Oh yeah, yeah, guys- we’re throwing a party on Saturday to celebrate the company’s anniversary, Nora will make sure you receive an invitation.”

            “Thanks, Jeff”, Louis smiles.

            “No problem. Aiden, shall we?” Jeff calls and Aiden is quick to go.

            “See you later, Lou”, he smiles. “Nice to meet you, Harry”, he says politely and reaches out to shake Harry’s hand.

            “You too”, he smiles, because _it is_ , and sees them go down the hall towards the lifts, being left alone with Nora (who is at her desk outside Jeff’s room) and Louis.

            “Will you need anything from me, Mr. Styles?” She asks.

            “No, thanks, I can handle one more day without Lou”, he laughs and starts moving, gesturing for Louis to follow him. “Louise- well, I call her Lou too, she’s my assistant. She was supposed to come back from her vacation today, but Lux, her daughter, is sick, so she’ll be in tomorrow.”

            “Kid’s emergencies suck, I hope the girl is okay. How old is she?” Louis asks. Louis has a soft spot for kids, having tons of siblings.

            “Four”, Harry offers and opens the door to his office. “She’s my goddaughter actually.”

            “You’ve known Lou for a long time then?”

            “Her husband did most of my tattoos… Then Lux was born and she needed a job, I had just started here and wound up hiring her.”

            “Always helping people, aren’t you, Hazz?” Louis says, and the nickname hasn’t been used in such a long time and it’s the second time he says it today and Harry still feels a shiver down his spine. He nods and smiles. “I like your office better than Jeff’s, by the way”, he comments looking around. “I like the art.”

            “Been collecting for a year now”, he says. “It’s expensive, though.”

            “It’s a good investment.”

            “It is.” Harry agrees. “We’re not gonna continue with the small talk, are we?” He then laughs a bit nervously.

            “Hopefully not”, Louis makes himself comfortable on his sofa. “I just really don’t know where to start.”

            “Me neither”, Harry offers, even though it’s a lie, because there is _one_ question that is killing him and needs to be answered. Louis knows there is, maybe because he can still read Harry like nobody, and waits for him to speak again. “Fiancé, hm?” He says finally. Nothing about this word and his humming is nonchalant; he’s sure Louis notices it too.

            “Yeah, we- we’d been dating for a year and a half when he told me he wanted to come to work here and asked me to come with him”, he says. “Felt right, you know?”

            “I suppose”, he agrees.

            “How- how are you?”

            _Are you dating someone?_ Is what Harry knows he wants to ask. So he answers it.

            “I’m- I got a girlfriend”, he breathes out. Louis’ eyes widen. “No, I’m not- not in the closet or something”, he laughs. “I just- like girls too, I guess. I actually met her when I was hitting on her very straight brother, so.”

            “You would do that”, Louis laughs loudly then. “Is she nice?”

            “Yeah, well, I’m dating her, aren’t I?” He laughs too. “It’s been eight months and- yeah, she’s great.”

            “That’s- that’s great, Hazz. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”

            “You too”, Harry says, refusing to ask him if he is as happy with Aiden as he was with him, but just because he hasn’t asked _himself_ the same question. He’s never allowed himself to compare relationships, especially not to the one he had with Louis.

            Robin once told him he and Louis weren’t like anything he’d ever seen, that he was scared Harry would never be happy like that again – he was drunk, Robin was, but the words had been spoken, Harry had listened to them, internalized them, and never, not once, allowed himself to revisit his old memories.

 

            They start talking business. Louis figures it’s the easiest route, because he’s not sure he wants to hear Harry talking about his girlfriend. Which… Weird. The thought of Harry with a woman is not only repulsive but kind of impossible to picture, and Louis feels bad immediately, since it’s totally _not_ his right to feel this way towards him, towards anybody really. He doesn’t dwell on it. He certainly doesn’t put everything he has into getting to know Zayn through Harry’s eyes instead of wondering if he still remembers what it feels like to be touched by another guy—by Louis.

            _God_ , everything’s so fucked up, isn’t it?

            Louis never really thought he’d see Harry again. Every time he went back to Doncaster he’d look at Harry’s old house – where an old couple lives now – and spend hours picturing their younger selves running in the yard and laughing so hard their stomachs would be hurting by the time Anne or Jay called them in for dinner. He’d then remember their teenage years, when they’d sneak into each other’s rooms during week days just so they’d _sleep_ together, holding each other, and he’d wonder if Harry remembered that when he went to sleep in LA.

            He never believed they’d get to sit and talk again. Mostly because of him. It is true that Harry kept his promise and tried to remain friends, but it’s also true that Louis was so, so hurt that he thought he wouldn’t be able to breathe if he continued to talk to that boy without being able to see him, and touch him, and be with him. Louis is pretty sure that at some point he packed a few bags and meant to spend all of his money back then on a plane ticket just to see Harry, and he also remembers talking himself out of it, because time would make it go away.

            And it did.

            He met Aiden during his second year at Oxford and they were friends for a few years until Louis decided to give it a go. Aiden is the second serious relationship of his life – due to the fact that Louis slept with dozens of guys throughout the years until he was sure there was no trace of Harry on his skin, mind and heart anymore.

 

            It’s exhausting being in front of Harry and at the end of the day, when he meets Aiden downstairs to go home – their new flat in Los Angeles –, he’s desperate to shower and get to bed. What a terrible idea to move to California during summer.

            “You okay?” Aiden asks when they enter the flat—apartment.

            “Exhausted. Jetlagged. You?” He asks and starts undressing while making his way to the bathroom.

            “Same”, he yawns. “Not sure if I want to eat or just go to sleep.”

            “We can have tea, and then sleep. Please?” Louis asks and turns to him, kissing him twice whilst waiting for an answer.

            “Yes”, he smiles and kisses him one more time.

            They take turns in the shower, because they can never _not_ do anything when they’re in there. Louis is good with having sex under the water, but just showering and sharing laughs and washing each other’s hair is somehow too intimate for him to do with anyone who isn’t… Well. He doesn’t know if Aiden notices, but if he does, he never mentions it.

            When Aiden comes out of the bathroom, tea’s already made and they drink it mostly in silence, exchanging a few kisses and cuddles. They brush their teeth and make it to bed. Louis immediately rolls to lie on his chest, and his fiancé kisses his forehead.

            “We’ll talk about our days tomorrow, yeah?” He says in a low voice.

            “Yeah, babe, over break-aaah-fast”, Louis agrees and yawns at the same time.

            Five minutes have passed and he’s almost sleeping when Aiden calls his name.

            “Lou?”

            “Hm?”

            “He’s the _oops_ , isn’t he?” He asks. “Harry. He’s the- he’s the one you got the tattoos for.”

            “With”, Louis replies tiredly. “He’s the one I got the tattoos with.”

            Aiden once suggested they should get one, but Louis told him that he had done that once, with someone he thought would last forever, and it didn’t. And he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. He didn’t tell him the whole story, but he got the idea anyway. They moved on.

            “Are you okay?” He then asks.

            Louis thinks he replies _I’m fine_ , but he isn’t sure. Too tired to think about Harry for one more minute.

-

 

            The first week passes in a blur and suddenly it’s Saturday and Louis is skyping with his mother right before he has to leave for the company’s party. Aiden’s just finishing getting ready since Louis had spent forever in the bathroom and _you know how the light here is better_ , Aiden smiled fondly when he told him to leave the room so he could use the mirror and get _hot for Louis_. He laughed lightly and now here he is, in the living room, in front of a computer wearing a tuxedo.

            “ _You’re not tanned”,_ Jay says right after ‘hello’.

            “Mum, I’ve worked the whole week”, Louis laughs, “won’t get proper tanned till I get to go to the beach.”

            _“Hm… And how was everything? D’you like the new job?”_ She asks.

            “Have only been planning things with the boss, to be honest… But I’m meeting my actual client tonight at the party.”

            _“Lottie says that if you don’t get her Zayn Malik’s number she’s never forgiving you”,_ his mother tells him.   

            Charlotte’s been a fan of Zayn ever since he was a small act in the UK. Louis is hoping the guy is nice enough to maybe record a video and sign an autograph.

            “We’ll see about that…” He trails off, avoiding for a few more seconds what he needs to tell her. It’s been a week, it’s time, right? “Hey, mom, got something to tell ya.”

            _“Hm, is it good or bad?”_ She asks curiously.

            “Still deciding”, he chuckles. “You’ll never believe who my new boss is.”

            _“Uhh, tell me, tell me!”_ Jay is excited. Louis doesn’t know how she’ll react once he tells her…

            “Harry.”

            It’s really comic how her eyes widen. Or it would be if he hadn’t reacted a lot worse at the beginning of the week. She opens and closes her mouth a few times before she can get a word out, and Louis can’t really blame her.

            _“Harry Styles?”_ She confirms, even though she _knows_. Louis nods. _“I- wow. How?”_

            “He’s Jeff Azoff’s partner. And best friend, from what I gathered. They went to uni together.”

_“How is he?”_

            “Gorgeous”, is the first thing he replies and then they both laugh. “I mean it, though… He really is. And- like, big. Broad shouldered and all.”

            _“Harry Styles?”_ She asks disbelievingly.

            “Yeah”, Louis laughs. “He seems good, we haven’t had time to catch up on… On all of these years yet. He’s obviously rich and got a girlfriend.”

            _“And you’re okay with it?”_

            “Why wouldn’t I be, mum?” He questions with a smile on his face.

            _“Oh, boo, I don’t know”_ , she settles for, but he knows there’s more behind it. Louis is fine, though.

            “I’m fine, really”, he voices. “I’m glad he’s happy, and I’m happy too.”

            “We’re all very happy”, Aiden appears in the living room. “Hi, Jay”, he squishes his face into Louis’ so the camera catches them both.

            _“Hello, handsome”,_ Jay waves. _“Liking LA so far?”_

            “It’s definitely… Warm”, he smiles and the three of them laugh. “How’s England?”

            _“Cloudy, but then again, what’s new?”_ She shrugs. _“Lou says you guys had a good first week…”_

            “Yeah, yeah, people here are very nice. Did Louis tell you he met an old friend?”

            It stings, when Aiden uses the word friend. Harry used to be so much more. Louis knows it, Jay knows it, _Aiden_ himself knows it, but he guesses if it’s easier for his fiancé to deal with the weird situation this way, he can go along with it, especially because it’s not a _complete_ lie, since they had been the best of friends once upon a time.

            _“Yes, Harry! God, I miss that boy”_ , she smiles. _“Send him my love, will ya?”_ She speaks directly to Louis now.

            “Yes, mom”, Louis rolls his eyes. “He asked about you and the girls and Ernie the other day, said he’s always thinking about you when he buys candles…” At that, Jay laughs loudly.

            “ _At least_ someone _used to listen to me back then”_ , she says and then proceeds to explain to Aiden what they’re talking about. _“You see, love, when they were little, I’d always light up some candles around the house and Louis absolutely hated it, but Harry was always polite and interested, asking about what they were for and what the best ones were…”_

            “D’you still hate candles?” Aiden asks Louis smiling.

            “I didn’t _hate_ candles”, he rolls his eyes.

            _“He hated that Harry would give me and the candles attention when they were together”,_ his mother laughs. _“Oh, I’m sorry, is that weird?”_

            “’S fine, mum, he knows we used to date _and_ he knows I was an attention seeker, so, there’s that”, he shrugs it off.

            _“Oh, well, only one of those things have changed, babe”,_ Aiden mocks him and Jay laughs again.

            They wrap up the conversation with Jay when the clock hits seven thirty, because there’s a town car coming to pick them up to take them to the party. They only snog once before they have to leave the apartment and their clothes are in perfect state, so it was a win-win, really.

            Louis is glad Aiden is dealing with the whole Harry-thing so well. Had it been someone else, they could’ve gotten all possessive and insanely jealous, but maybe because they’re past the _I love you_ phase in their relationship (since they are getting married… Someday), he feels secure enough not to worry about someone from Louis past. Even if it is (was?) the most important person in his life.

 

-

 

            Louis is kissing Aiden’s cheek when a beautiful girl asks if they can _please, excuse her_ as she tries and makes her way towards the bar counter.

            “I’m sorry, love”, Aiden smiles. He’s been calling people “love” since he and Louis started hanging out. According to him, Louis doesn’t need to persuade someone in order to persuasive. _You say it so much I ended up picking it up_ , he said once, when Louis asked why he was stealing _his_ term of endearment.

            “It’s okay”, she smiles, places her order with the bartender and then looks at them again, “felt bad to interrupt, sorry”, the young woman says politely. “You are a very beautiful couple.”

            “It’s all on him”, Aiden says as he tilts his head to Louis’s side.

            “I think it’s pretty even”, she says. “I’ve never seen you guys in one of Irving’s parties…”        

            “It’s our first one”, Louis tells her. “We just came from England…”

            “Oh!” She widens her eyes, recognition in her face. “My boyfriend’s from England as well, he told me about- there he is. Harry!” She speaks only a tiny bit louder, still classy, as she raises her hand.

            She’s Harry’s girlfriend, then. Well, of course she is, she is _gorgeous_. One of those women that no matter how much you look and poke around, you can’t and won’t find anything bad to say about. She’s all _media approved_ – tall, blonde, thin – and on top of everything: she is nice. Harry wouldn’t have settled for anything less than that, Louis thinks.

            “Hey, babe”, he smiles and walks towards them.        

            Harry’s some kind of a walking fairy-tale, one of those 21st century Princes. Tonight he’s wearing what seems to be a Saint Laurent suit and his curls are falling onto his shoulders softly and perfectly. He walks owning who he is, looking like he’s already used to being someone who everybody stares at. So, so different from the boy Louis remembers. Still every bit as mesmerizing.

            “Oh, hi, Lou, Aiden”, he smiles again as he shakes their hands. “Seems like you’ve met Amy. Amy, these are Louis and Aiden.”

            “Yeah, we’ve been talking- told them what a beautiful couple they are.”

            “They are”, Harry smiles softly. “Although it’s all on Aiden”, he scoffs.

            “Hey!”, Louis pretends he’s wounded and Harry laughs. Louis wonders what he actually thinks about him nowadays. Maybe he’ll ask eventually.

            “Sorry I can’t say the same about you, mate”, Aiden only half-jokes. “Amy has the spotlight.”

            “Not bothered”, the green eyed man smiles again. “I’m fine with that”, and then kisses her cheek. “Hey, Irving was asking for you—something about me hiding my girlfriend? Cause you haven’t showed up in a while?”

            “Well, I’m sorry that I can’t golf”, she laughs. “I better go talk to him, then”, Amy directs it to Louis and Aiden. “It was great meeting you two- hope LA treats you right.” She says as she places a hand on Louis’ arm.

            “Thank you”, they say at the same time and smile. “It was a pleasure meeting you- even if you’re too much for this knobhead”, Louis says then and she laughs, muttering something like ‘ _I like this one_ ’ as she and Harry walk away. Harry says he’ll catch up with them soon and Louis pretends to himself that he doesn’t watch the man as he follows his girlfriend.

 

-

 

            Company parties are mostly dull, but Harry knew that already, so that’s why he made sure to place he and Amy at the same table as Irving, because he’s good fun.

            Harry loves his parents, he really does. He considers Robin a father, since his own died when he was barely five and his only memory of him is having Swiss lemonade by the lake behind their house in Holmes Chapel, and he idolizes his mother.

            Since they moved to the US, Harry’s had his own place. First he lived in the Uni dorms for a year and then moved in with Niall and Jeff, but he always, always visited. For the first two years they lived in California as well, and then Robin’s company sent him to Chicago. Still, he keeps in touch with them. But Harry’s found another family in the Azoffs.

            He’d be lying if he said Anne doesn’t get jealous every now and then, especially when he decides to spend a few holidays with them instead of going home (he doesn’t have the energy to explain to her anymore that home was Doncaster, and now LA feels faint in comparison, but it’s the closest as it gets), but he supposes she understands, after all, when things get a bit tough, it’s into her arms that he runs.

 

            “What time is Zayn arriving, babe?” Amy asks sipping from her third glass of champagne and placing a hand on his right thigh.

            She’s a lightweight and will probably get drunk as soon as she finishes it, but he doesn’t tell her to stop – never would. If anything, he’s endeared. She’ll get extremely cuddly and will ask for a chocolate cake at breakfast. He’s got this dating her thing sorted.

            “Any minute now, I suppose.”

            “D’you think your guy’s good enough to control him, H?” Irving asks. “Jeff says Sony’s being a bitch about the whole album-tour thing.”

            “They are”, he snorts, “but Liam has got a soft spot for us- no need to control Z, just polish him.”

            “Well, I trust your judgment, son”, he laughs a bit and as on cue they can see Zayn, Niall and a model Harry’s sure he’s seen somewhere walking towards them. “There he is”, Irving says.

            “Sir”, Zayn smiles and Harry breathes relived. He’s sober. “An honor to see you again”, he says as he shakes his hand. “This is Gigi, my- date.” He introduces her to them and then Niall proceeds to talk to everyone as well.

            Harry finds out Gigi is friends with Amy, and that’s where he knows her from, but doesn’t stay past the _“hi, nice to see you again”_ he gives her, because Jeff is quickly telling him to go and introduce Zayn and Niall to Louis already – which is actually a good idea, because if Louis is anything like Harry remembers, he’s also a lightweight, and also starting to get drunk.

            (Except for the fact that he doesn’t get cuddly (that’s only when he’s sick and/or very tired), no. Drunk Louis equals horny Louis, and Harry really doesn’t want to walk in on him giving head to his fiancé in the restroom.)

            They find him alone playing with his phone in a corner next to this huge water fountain Harry doesn’t remember approving of (being the one who helped plan the party) and it takes him a while to notice there are people standing around him.

            “Oh, sorry!” He says, “was just texting my sister”, he says. “Zayn Malik, we finally meet properly”, he half smirks.

            “You’re Louis?” Zayn’s mouth is agape when he shakes Louis’ hand.  “He’s Louis?” He turns to Harry as he raises his eyebrows and both he and Niall are holding back their laughs, Harry can tell.

            “He’s Louis”, Harry rolls his eyes. “My idiots of friends know we used to date, but they never saw pictures.”

            “And now they’re kind of awestruck by my beauty, I get it…” Louis takes it lightly. “Well, I guess that’s the time I say you’re very attractive, Malik, and if I wasn’t perfectly engaged to a handsome man right now _and_ about to try and save your career, I’d _totally_ consider shagging you.” He says, and then, “Sorry, was that out of line?”

            “You _have_ always had a problem biting your tongue”, Harry laughs endeared.

            “Don’t remember you complaining about the things I do with my tongue”, Louis says defiantly.

            “That’s why I wasn’t the boss of you back then”, Harry banters.

            “Nah, you quite liked to be bossed around, didn’t you?” Oh.

            “God, this is gonna be so fun”, Niall cracks a high laughter. “Niall, by the way, gonna work with ya as well.”

            “Nice to meet ya, mate”, he says and smiles, but his eyes don’t leave Harry’s. Son of a bitch. Harry will totally get him back for that eventually.

            “I like you already, you can stay”, Zayn is the one who says. “Finally someone who isn’t a prick, Harold”, he then says, probably referring to the fact that he pretty much still (and _“always will, I swear”_ ) hates Cameron.

            “Oh, you just wait”, Louis says. “I _am_ a prick.”

            “Who is a prick?” Aiden arrives smiling, putting an arm around Louis’ waist.

            “Me, love, of course”, he rolls his eyes.

            “But a great one”, he says and Harry hopes that wasn’t an innuendo, because… No. Well, _yes_ , but- no. “Hi. Aiden Grimshaw”, he introduces himself to Zayn and then Niall, and Harry thinks it’s an amazing time to excuse himself from the conversation. They will talk business along the week, but the most important thing already happened: Louis, Zayn and Niall clicked. His work’s done here.

 

            In the end, it’s Niall who finds him, right before he’s about to ask Amy if they can leave. And of course he’s seen this coming; he just didn’t expect it to be at the gala.

            “Missed you, mate”, his Irish friend says as he hugs him tight.

            “Missed you too, but I’m not breathing”, Harry laughs on Niall’s shoulder and he lets him go.

            “So…”

            “So…” Harry repeats.

            Niall has his hands in his pockets as if he doesn’t know how to begin the topic. Harry doesn’t help him because he knows exactly what topic Niall’s about to begin.

            “Louis is hot.” Is what his friend ends up saying.

            “Yeah, Louis is hot.” Harry agrees with a playful smile on his face. He won’t indulge Niall, he _won’t_.

            “Has he always been hot?” Niall asks.

            “He’s always been-”, Harry stops, trying to find a word. “He’s always been _beautiful_ ”, is what he says.

            He’s stating a fact, to be honest. Even in their weird phase, when Harry was fourteen and Louis sixteen, he still used to think his still-friend at the time was one of the most beautiful people he knew, with the bluest eyes, the shiniest soul – that’s always been Louis.

            “Are you okay, mate?” He finally asks.

            “I’m fine, Ni”, Harry smiles.

            Although Zayn knows they used to be boyfriends, Niall’s the only one who knows how long it took for Harry to get over the man, how much he suffered those first few months at college, how much he loved _this guy from Doncaster that I had to leave behind._

            Niall doesn’t seem to believe him, so Harry tries harder, because he doesn’t want to worry his friend. He really is fine.

            “I am okay, Niall”, he repeats, “it was- like, a bit overwhelming seeing him again, as I’ve _already_ told you. And he was shaken as well”, Harry says, “but it’s all good. We’re trying to warm up to each other now since we don’t really, like, know each other—even though we- we _know_ each other.”

            “It really is confusing, isn’t it?”

            “It really is”, Harry laughs, “but just because neither of us were expecting t, I guess-” he says and hears a loud laugh coming from a short distance. "I’d better go and take Amy to bed, she’s in her _laughs at everything_ phase, which means she’ll be sleepy in ten minutes”, he smiles fondly.

            “Does she know?” Niall asks.

            “No”, he answers truthfully. “Didn’t feel right to tell her, but it makes sense that I have to now, I suppose… Gonna talk to her tomorrow. She seems to have liked him and Aiden.”

            “And you, you like Aiden?” He follows him back into the party.

            “Aren’t you full of questions?” He snorts. “I do, actually- he’s an all right guy, good lawyer- hey, babe”, he stops answering to call Amy.

            “Hey, H”, she smiles and hugs him, kissing him twice on the lips. “Was actually gonna look for you. ‘M sooo sleepy”, she says.

            “Yeah, I figured”, he smiles and kisses her on the mouth as he runs his fingers through her hair. “Let’s go, yeah?”

            “Please”, she groans.

            “Gonna say bye to people then.”

 

 

            Later that night when he climbs into bed and spoons his girlfriend, he can’t help but remember what it felt like being held. The thing about memory is that it makes things seem better than they really were. The thing about his and Louis’ relationship is that it actually lived up to everything he remembers.

 

 


	2. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is an angel from Scotland called Ari who's betaing this fic now and I am very, very thankful.  
> Ari, you're awesome <3

_“Do you remember when I told you that I loved you to the bottom of the sea? (…) Sometime in the future maybe we can get together, maybe share a drink and talk awhile, and reminisce about the days when we were still together… Maybe somewhere further down the line.”_

 

 

            A month passes until being near Louis and missing him at the same time starts to really bother Harry.

            They work well together, is the thing. And by “they”, Harry means the two of them plus Zayn plus Niall. Zayn’s managed to squeeze eight TV appearances in one month and thirteen radio interviews. Louis managed to keep him on track, and alongside Niall they both made him wake up on time, party only on the weekends and smoke in private places. It wasn’t a hardship, according to Zayn, because Louis is nice – _he keeps me entertained_ , Zayn said.

            So when Harry calls Liam and asks him again about Zayn’s tour, he is glad to tell Harry that it will be happening come next March, and the album release date is still set to December and everything will happen as scheduled. Harry gets happy, more than happy.

            Harry wants to thank Louis, and when he makes his way to his office he is sure that’s all he’s going to do, but then his chest tightens and he feels some kind of nostalgia he never thought he would; a longing, a feeling of just- _missing_ that doesn’t go away because even though Louis is right here, he truly isn’t.

            Every time he cracks a joke, every time he says something remotely related to the past, all Harry can think is how old Louis would do it, and react to it, and it’s just so different from the way the new, present Louis does. It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just very, very different, and he doesn’t quite know how to handle it. So instead of starting with _I called Liam and he said Zayn’s tour is a go_ as soon as he opens the door to Louis’ room, what comes out of his mouth is:     

            “We should go out”, he says.

            Louis seemed focused on whatever he was reading because he looks up abruptly like he was expecting anything but Harry right now. The way his eyes shine though… That remains the same.

            “Hi, Hazz”, he smiles as he puts the papers away. “Come again, please?”

            “We- uh”, he’s not self-conscious. Harry. He isn’t. He should’ve just started with something better, right? “I think we should go out for drinks or- whatever. We should catch up.”

            “We catch up everyday, Harold”, Louis rolls his eyes.

            “But we don’t really talk, do we?”

            “No- you’re right”, he sighs, “we don’t. It’d be lovely to do it though.”

            Louis smiles at him and suddenly this Monday is way better than he expected. Harry then proceeds to tell him the good news and Louis almost jumps out of his chair how excited he is.

            “Aiden’s gonna bite his tongue so hard when I tell him tonight!” He cheers. “He bet me we wouldn’t do it.”

            “Why?”

            “Cause Zayn’s some kind of a trainwreck, isn’t he?” He scoffs. “Oh, but he will do the damn laundry for the next three months now, it’ll be brilliant!” And he shines when he says it. Louis has always hated doing the laundry – or anything _house related_ – with a passion, unless someone made a game out of it.

            Once, in order to convince him to tidy up the basement for the FIFA tournament he had organized with the lads from their football team and his drama club, Harry had to promise him one kiss for each item he put away and a congratulatory blowjob at the end of it.

            Not the best memory to have right now, Harry reckons.

            “Zayn’s not a trainwreck”, he makes a note then.

            “I meant that in a good way”, Louis assures him. “He’s a great lad, we get along pretty well. And Niall. Niall is amazing, seriously, Harry. I’m so glad you got good friends”, he says. “Make sure to invite them to the get-together you’ll organize.”

            “I will, don’t worry. And Niall is- he’s the best person I know, really.” He says truthfully. He still doesn’t know how he would’ve made those first few months of uni hadn’t it been for the blond Irish boy who had no idea of what personal space meant and seemed to process food faster than the rest of human kind.

            Whatever Harry lost in England when he had to leave, made room for the new great people in his life, who he would have never met if the circumstances hadn’t seemed too shitty back then.

            It’s not like Harry’s _glad_ he’s spent the last eight years without Louis, he still remembers all the heartache he went through; but now that he’s over the whole romantic side of their relationship, he can see why fate would do that to them – after all, they wound up meeting again, which is pretty awesome if you ask Harry.

            Some things have to break in order to become stronger. Maybe he and Louis are stronger as mature friends who still get along like their kids’ versions. Or maybe it’s all just an illusion.

           

-

 

            When Harry arrives at the restaurant he really doesn't know what to expect. When he talked about it with Louis, they were supposed to go to a pub and have a few drinks. But then the week rolled around and they found themselves really hungry leaving the building at the same time and... Why not grab something to eat, right?

           

            Harry knows some great restaurants in town and Louis is new to LA, so it seemed a great idea when they entered their separate cars so Louis would follow Harry to République – a casual French restaurant (if there's such a thing).

            Now that they have already handed their car keys to the valets and are entering the space asking the nice hostess a table for two, it seems like more than it should be. Still, Harry keeps in mind that they're two friends who haven't seen each other in a long time and needed a couple of hours for themselves.

            So here they are, sitting across from each other, and the only thing Harry can think about talking is work, because the rest seems too unsafe, but Louis isn’t having any of it, and he makes sure Harry knows it.

 

            “Why are you nervous?” He asks as soon as the waitress leaves the table with their orders.

            “I’m not nervous-”, Harry chuckles, “I just don’t know where to start— what the boundaries are.”

            “It’s us, Hazza, there are no boundaries”, Louis laughs as if what Harry just said is completely unreasonable. “You’ve already told me how you met Jeff and how you became his business partner. You’ve told me he, Zayn and Niall are your best friends and that you’ve been dating Amy for almost a year now… Is that it?”

            “You paid attention to everything”, he laughs.

            “You told me your mom still grows flowers in the backyard as well… I’d love to see her and Robin someday, if that’s okay.” And- this shouldn’t have taken Harry by surprise, but it did, and he looks at Louis kind of dumbfounded blinking really fast due to his utter shock… "Or not. It’s okay, Hazz.”

            “No- I. I’d love that. _She’d_ love that”, he smiles. “We can go there, yeah.”

            “And how’s Gems? Mom says she isn’t on facebook so she only hears about her whenever Anne updates her.”

            “Yeah, she sometimes tells me that they talk.” Harry smiles, again, because it’s… It’s _so_ good to just be here. The familiarity is making him warm all over. “Our moms, I swear…”

            “They haven’t changed much”, Louis agrees with a breathy smile. “So, Gems?”

            “Yeah, she’s majored in journalism and works for buzzfeed now… She’s living in New York, but we try to see each other every other month.”

            “She’s always been so smart”, Louis comments and they take it from there. Harry tells him the stupid story about how she got the job because of a bet during a drunken night in Canada and how she called him the next morning to tell him the news.

            Harry then proceeds to tell Louis that in said morning he was about to take an exam at college and he had a proper break down over how far ahead of him his sister was, even knowing that that was how it was supposed to go since she was older. Louis teases him, of course he does, and says that he is glad to know that the Harry he knew wasn’t lost in the move.

            It’s a touchy subject, and for most part they avoid talking about _it_ , but Louis still tells him how life went about after Harry and his family left England, how he still visited his mom every month when he was still studying. Louis tells Harry his first job was pretty shit and only two years after he graduated he got his first position in the X Factor.

            It is easy, talking about his time under Simon’s wing, so they stay at it all the way through dinner. Harry tells him about how Jeff and he despise the man and the way he goes through business and they laugh over another stupid story of when Harry was drunk and actually made the promise on his journal to never be like that. Louis acknowledges it worked, but it doesn’t stop him from giving Harry a hard time.

              Dessert comes, and while Harry eats a salad fruit, Louis goes for a chocolate cake and mentions how much Aiden likes chocolate.

            Harry isn’t sure how to react. He isn’t bothered that Louis mentions his fiancé every now and then – it wasn’t the first time and he guesses it isn’t going to be the last –, but he is bothered that he doesn’t _feel_ bothered. It’s like he didn’t expect to see Louis and realize he had moved on, but it’s also like he knows there wasn’t anything to move on from in the first place because Harry never thought they had really ended – things had ended for them.

            _God, this is so confusing_ , he thinks, at which point Louis is already paying the restaurant’s bill and stopping Harry from even taking his wallet out of his pocket, saying that there is no way he’ll let them split.

            “I’m paying the drinks, then”, Harry says, not being ready to leave their bubble yet. It’s good inside the bubble, Harry doesn’t want out.

            “Lead the way then”, Louis says and opens the door for him. When did he get so _gentlem-y_? Is that even a word?

            Not that Louis wasn’t polite with Harry when they dated, he was. Polite, protective, jealous in the cutest way. But he wasn’t exactly _aware_ of these small things – that was all Harry.

            They take their cars and drive three streets away till they stop at a random bar that looks nice enough. Neither of them intends to get drunk, since they’re both driving, but a beer or two will be enough to keep the conversation going.

            “Corona, Styles?” Louis asks when the barman asks what they’re gonna drink.

            “Corona”, he agrees and Louis asks for two, turning to him with a smirk on his face daring Harry to remember that that was the first beer they ever tasted together when Harry was fourteen and Louis seventeen, in that small window in which he was “three years older” than Harry.

            Harry hands the barman a few bucks and turns to Louis again.

            “D’you think we’d ever speak to each other again if I hadn’t come here and wound up at your company?” Louis asks.

            “I like to think that yes, we would… But we probably wouldn’t, yeah? Unless something big or- tragic happened”, Harry reckons. “Glad you did end up here though.”

            “Me too”, Louis smiles and looks down, peeling the beer label with his non-existent nails. “There were days when I really missed you, Hazz”, he then says, never meeting his eyes. “I felt so bad for- like, not answering your calls those first few months that I just knew I had no right to pick up the phone and call you back years later. But I was always thinking about you”, he laughs weakly. “After I graduated college Mark gave me some money to travel… Remember how much you wanted to go to Italy when we were teenagers?”

            “Yeah…”

            “I went to Italy by myself- I hadn’t even realized why until I was there”, he laughs again and takes a sip of his beer. Harry can tell he feels a bit stupid. Harry feels like crying. “I catalogued the entire trip for if I ever saw you again.”

            “D’you still have it?” Harry asks hopeful. He wants to slap himself out of this _Louis trance_ he’s in, but he just feels like he’s going even deeper with each sentence they exchange.

            “I do, somewhere in my iCloud. Once I get home I’ll try and look for it.”

            Harry goes quiet then. The both of them go. There are so many memories floating around, so many things they should talk about, so many—feelings that were coming together.     

            There is one thing that is _really_ bothering Harry, though, and maybe… Maybe it isn’t the best time to ask. Maybe he won’t like the answer. Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut. But maybe he won’t get another chance. Maybe he and Louis will never sit alone together again. Maybe next time they’ll double date and have to talk about things in common.

            Harry’s lived with too many _maybes_ already.

            “Why did you-” he stops himself when Louis looks up. It’s the first time in over ten minutes that they lock eyes and he memorizes once again the two blue balls piercing him. “I just wonder, Lou…”

            “What?”

            “I wonder why you never asked me to stay”, he whispers. He’s also the one to avert Louis’ gaze now, so small he’s feeling.

            “Hazz-”

            “Forget it, was just a stupid question.” He then quickly amends.

            “Harry, I...”

            “It was a stupid question, Louis”, Harry repeats and then looks at him. There are so many emotions on that man’s face right now. It bothers him that he doesn’t recognize them all. “You don’t need to answer me- and… We should probably ask for the bill, yeah?” He says and checks his watch. “Half past nine- Aiden must be waiting for you.”

            “Sure”, he smiles and gets up, “Amy waiting for you as well?” He asks.

            “No, we- we’re not too good right now”, he sighs.

            “Why not? You seemed perfect last week.”

            “I don’t know- things”, he says instead of _she told me she loved me on Tuesday and I didn’t say it back and then it got really awkward and then I left her house. We haven’t spoken since then except for a few texts_.

            “I hope you work it out”, Louis says before they exit the restaurant.

            “Yeah”, Harry sighs. Seems like he’s doing a lot of it tonight. “Yeah, me too”, he then says looking down at Louis. “I haven’t- I haven’t had many proper relationships since I came here. I really like her, Lou, Iike, _I really do_. But love’s too strong, isn’t it?” Well.

            “It is”, Louis replies uncomfortable, almost like he knows what’s coming next.

            “You’re lucky you’re in love”, Harry says then and Louis’ face turns into something weird, but he quickly smiles and Harry doesn’t fret over it. “Okay, so- I guess we should really go.”

            “We should”, Louis affirms, but they don’t move.

            And then two pairs of thin wrists are crossing around his neck and a smaller body is crashing into his, Louis is hugging him full force, burying his face in the crook of Harry’s neck.

            “I’m sorry things aren’t too good, H”, he whispers. “For what it’s worth-” he starts; he hesitates for only a few seconds, but he says it: “for what it’s worth, I loved you with everything I had”, he confesses, “and I know you loved me back, and you loved me _a lot_ , because I- I felt it, yeah? Even as young as we were. So—do not worry about not having love to give, yeah? You do. I know you do.”

            _Oh. He can still read me._

            “Thank you”, Harry replies and tightens his grip on Louis’ waist. “I loved you with everything I had too.”  _Maybe I spent it all on you_ , Harry thinks sarcastically. Or not.

 

            When Harry gets home, almost midnight, after driving around his neighborhood trying to get a grip of everything he’s feeling – and not understanding half of it –, he sees a text from Louis thanking him for a lovely night and telling him to open his email whenever he has time.

            Harry finds a file with over five hundred pictures and almost thirty videos named _Italy_. He doesn’t sleep until he’s meticulously gone through all of them, and when he finally finishes watching the last video, in which Louis gets a haircut to come back looking “better” to England, tanned and smiling bright, the sun is already up and his eyes are tired – he closes them and dreams about too hot tea and a Yorkshire accent.

 

-

 

 

            Louis wakes up with breakfast in bed on Saturday, which never happened in England because they never had the time. That was actually one of Aiden’s promises when he convinced Louis to come over here: that they’d have weekends off for sure and he’d treat Louis with a tray full of food in those mornings.

            “Morning, beautiful”, he says and places a kiss on his forehead, because they both hate morning breath.

            “Morning”, Louis smiles. “This looks amazing.”

            “It tastes amazing too”, Aiden chuckles and takes a bite of the toast, Louis going first for the tea, of course. It’s not _perfect_ , but it’s quite all right, so he doesn’t say anything. It’s been a few years already, it’s not now that he’ll start complaining. “How was it yesterday?” He then asks smiling, referring to Louis’- _hangout?_ with Harry. He doesn’t know how to call it. 

            And… _How was it yesterday, Loui_ s _?,_ he asks himself, because he honestly doesn’t know.

            Louis has never been one to ignore emotions, no. He deals with them; he thinks about them, he’s used to _knowing_ them. So that’s why, now, he feels so bad: he doesn’t _understand_ how he feels about his dinner and drinks with Harry.

            While he was there, although confusing, things were great. He never stopped thinking about Harry, he was always wondering how he’d turned out, if he had gotten used to being that tall and if he’d grown his hair the way he used to say he wanted to – Louis had promised Harry many years ago, in his last week, kiss in the rain and all, that there wouldn’t be a day in which Harry wouldn’t be in his mind; Louis had lived up to that promise. So it was just _so nice_ to get some answers for the past month and the night before that, at the moment, it seemed like nothing could be better.

            This morning, Louis feels like he cheated. He knows he didn’t and he knows that there isn’t a part of him that is still in love with Harry. Nothing happened, they just talked with the familiarity you talk to someone who used to know you better than you knew yourself. Yet, there’s this sour taste in his mouth when Aiden asks him about how their _encounter_ was.

            “It was good”, he manages to say, and then: “we don’t really _know_ each other anymore, and that was weird…” He lets out. “But- it was also good to see we can get to know each other again because we still get along really well.”

            “Well, it’s only natural… You’ve known each other since you were kids.”

            “Yeah”, Louis agrees easily. “How was your night?”

            When Louis arrived, Aiden was already sleeping.

            “Early, as you could tell”, he laughs weakly. “I was really tired cause as I told you I stayed at the office till eight to finish revising some contracts… Then I arrived, took a shower, ate, fell asleep.”

            “Oh, I’m sorry, babe”, Louis caresses his face and kisses him close mouthed. “We should do something today… Maybe drive to Santa Monica? Niall says the pier is amazing and there’s good food there.”

            “Yeah?” He smiles.

            “Yeah, if you want to. We could check it out.”

            “Yeah, let’s do that”, he smiles and kisses Louis again. “But first, breakfast.”

            “Oh, for sure!” He exclaims happily. “This is great, you’re amazing.”

            “’S ‘cause I love you”, his fiancé replies. And when Louis says _I love you too_ , he can’t help but think that _love’s too strong, isn’t it?_

-

 

            Another month rolls around when Louis notices it’s the first week of September and Zayn’s first single is about to be released and everything is chaos in his office. Niall has decided Louis’ room is his as well, just because he doesn’t have a space to stay when he’s not with Zayn.

            “It doesn’t feel like I have a job when I’m at home at-” he looks at his watch “ten am on a week day”, Niall says from the couch.

            “Mate, that’s the life!” Louis laughs.

            “Yeah, yeah, gimme some work, c’mon.”

            Louis has learned Niall is this big ball of energy and he can see why everybody is at least a little bit in love with him. He’s happiness embodied and on top of everything, he can be professional when needed and it’s the exact mix of serious and playful needed to deal with Zayn. He and Louis are always in sync, therefore they make a great duo working with Zayn.

            Louis likes to think Niall is his first real friend in the US.

            They haven’t shared secrets or anything like that, but they talk on a daily basis about things that aren’t work-related (especially football, they both feel extremely strong about football and how it is _not_ called soccer, because _soccer_ doesn’t make any sense!) and have already gone out for drinks (Niall even likes Aiden). Plus, sometimes Niall gives Louis a _knowing_ look that he makes an effort not to read too much into. They’re friends, the both of them. Louis likes it.

            “We need to decide where he’s going to perform the single live for the first time…” Louis tells Niall handing him his iPad with all the options they’ve got. “I liked GMA’s propos-”

            “No fucking way, I hate them”, Niall says. “Plus, it’s a _morning_ show.”

            “His fan base would wake up- plus, it’s night somewhere else. He’s got fans all around the globe…”

            “Your reasoning is good, but we’re not going with GMA, Lou”, Niall tells him- and Louis trusts Niall.  

            “Okay then- Fallon?” He asks pointing at the name _Jimmy Fallon_ highlighted there. They offered a fifteen minute interview plus a performance and a position in the mean tweets segment. Louis liked it a lot.

            “It’s good”, Niall admits. “Have you ever heard about The Late Late Show?” He then asks.

            “With James Corden?” He asks and Niall only nods, “Sure. I met him in London once, great guy.”

            “Yeah, he’s friends with Harry- they’re really good mates”, Niall points, “he’d give Zayn all the space he needed plus the promo.”

            “But are his ratings as good as Jimmy Fallon’s?”

            “We can check-”, Niall falters. “It’d be good to have him on the show anyway, doing that carpool karaoke thing, maybe- have you ever watched one?”

            “No, but I know what you’re talking about- it’d be nice, yeah. Should I contact the show or just go straight to James? How much creative control does he have?”

            “Oh, a lot. Ben—who is also friends with Harry, I’m telling ya, Harry knows all the right people in LA—Ben is James’s best friend and producer, so- like. You can contact Ben, but you can go straight to James as well and present the idea”, he smiles.

            “I’m sure you’ll tell me to get their contacts from Harry…?”

            “Of course”, Niall replies putting away the iPad as his phone beeps. “Oh fucking hell”, he complains when he reads it.

            “What is it?”

            “Your prick of a client needs me to buy him cigarettes”, he rolls his eyes.

            “Are you serious?” Louis asks.

            “I do his grocery shopping, Louis”, Niall rolls his eyes, “yeah, I am serious…” He gets up and pockets his phone again, making his way to the door. “Call H, get the number. Go with Fallon first, ‘s a good move, Zayn likes him—”

            “You’re too good to be just a PA, you know that, right, Nialler?” He tells him with a smile on his face. “Why weren’t you ever, I don’t know, promoted?” Louis is not sure what else he would do, but he seems like he’d be great at managing and is completely ready to do it by himself.

            “Couldn’t leave Zayn now”, he says, “and I really like what I do, you know? I’m close to my mates, I travel a lot, I get paid really well- you get all the boring stuff.”

            “And you are texted to go buy cigarettes…” Louis points.

            “Yeah, but I’ll get there and we’ll have a beer and play FIFA. Don’t tell me it’s a bad life”, he laughs. Louis admires him even more right now, he seems so content and satisfied with his life.

            It’s not that Louis _isn’t_ , it’s just that he’s so used to having people around him always wanting more and more that it’s incredible to see someone who is completely happy with what they have achieved, but not necessarily stuck.

            “Ok, you got me there”, he laughs.

            “Hey, call H and arrange for Zayn to be on The Late Late Show, ‘s gonna be really good.” Niall says already at the door.

            “Harry’s still traveling- he left his work phone here”, Louis tells him.

            In order to try and make things right with Amy – whatever those _things_ are, he doesn’t know (but has an idea) – Harry went to the Hamptons with her, Jeff has a house there and said he could use it the other day at lunch. So Harry took the week off and took her on a trip.

            “Call his personal phone”, he shrugs.   

            “He’s traveling, Ni, he said he didn’t want work calls.”

            “He’ll answer _you_ , Louis- we both know that”, Niall rolls his eyes and then gives him that look, the knowing look Louis was talking about. He nods and tells Niall he will, waving him out. Louis decides he can wait until lunchtime to call Harry.

 

-

 

            The thing about being in a relationship with someone who loves you is that when you don’t love them back the same way everything seems weird and every move of yours starts being calculated.

            Before Amy told him she was in love with him, he already suspected it, because he isn’t an idiot – he sees the way she looks at him and how she talks about the future and sighs heavily looking ahead like she just knows he is _it_ for her. Before Amy told him she was in love with him, Harry didn’t feel guilty that he didn’t feel the same.

             He likes her – very much. He loves her, even, and he keeps telling himself that is the same, that he can’t compare this adult relationship with what he had with Louis when he was just a kid, because that’s just what they were: kids. He tells himself that he just needs a little more time to realize she is the one for him too.

            “What are you thinking, babe?” She asks him when they’re packing to get back to LA.

            They’ve spent the last six days together reminding themselves of why they decided to get together in the first place, joking and laughing before the pun is even finished, drinking too much alcohol before the sun even sets and spending the days in the sex haze that was a constant for them almost a year ago.

            Harry doesn’t know if _she’s_ noticed what he did, though: the problem isn’t that they don’t know how to be like they were in the beginning, the problem is that they haven’t evolved ever since; the problem is that they’re still on their honeymoon phase because that’s what their relationship is, a phase. He tries, really hard, not to think about it while her arms are around his waist.

            “Work”, he answers and closes his suitcase. “Have some meetings this week.”

            “About…?” She asks and moves around the room looking for her purse so they can finally make their way to the airport.

            “Irving told me Ed Sheeran’s looking for a new management…”

            “Oh- what happened to his?” She asks looking worried. Amy’s a big fan. So is Harry, to be honest. Everyone is. Right?

            “I don’t know, but- yeah”, he says, “please don’t tell anyone.”

            “I won’t”, she rolls his eyes, “you know that.”

            “Yeah”, he smiles and kisses her. “We’d better get going…” He says then and takes their suitcases while she carries her purse and his backpack outside.

 

            The flight back to California is peaceful and they spend it with their fingers intertwined, Amy’s head resting on Harry’s shoulder, because she hates to travel at night and it always gives her headaches, and his head’s rested on hers. He closes his eyes but doesn’t sleep, and when they get to the LAX he asks for the car to take them to his flat.

            He gets home, he calls Anne to let her know he’s arrived (he always does this after traveling by plane) and she tells him she’ll take a flight to see him tomorrow.

            “Mom, you don’t have to, I’m fine”, he sighs while getting into bed, Amy already sound asleep in one of his Rolling Stones’ shirt.

            “ _Oh, baby, but I think I do._ ”

 

            She arrives at eleven am on Wednesday, and Harry can’t leave work, because he’s _just_ gotten into contact with Ed Sheeran’s PA (and he _knows_ how much money and prestige Azoff will get if they can convince him), so he asks for a driver to pick her up and bring her to the office. When Lou, his assistant, tells him that she’s just coming up in the elevator, he expects everything but to leave his room and find her hugging Louis on the hall.

            “Oh my God, you are _so_ handsome”, she says breathily over his shoulder. He’s got his back to Harry so he can see his mother’s expression, it’s like she wants to cry. “I mean, I knew you were, you’ve always been, but seeing you like this- _Louis_.”

            “You’re still as gorgeous as ever, Anne”, he tells her, “my memory didn’t do you justice”, he says and then they move away a bit, but Louis keeps a hand on her shoulder.

            “Oh, Lou-”, she smiles and then- “hi, Harry”, Anne says and he moves to hug her as well.

            “Mom”, he smiles back. “I’m sorry I couldn’t go pick you up”, Harry tells her as he moves to hug her, Louis stepping aside.

            “You could’ve told me, Harold, I would’ve gone”, Louis says.

            “And given me a heart attack…” Anne jokes. “It’s okay, baby”, she turns back to Harry, “Just find some time for us to have lunch—Louis, you could join us?!” His mother then kind of asks, eyeing Harry to see if it’s okay and he only nods, waiting for Louis to answer.

            “I’d love to, I just-” he clears his throat, “I said I’d have lunch with Aiden today, I didn’t know you were coming…”

            “’S okay, dear- I’m staying for a couple of days, we can have tea, yeah?”

            “I’d love that, Anne, I really would”, he smiles and then his phone beeps- “I should actually get going, mum’s gonna flip when I tell her I saw you”, he giggles. Harry does his best not to find it endearing.

            “I miss Jay”, she sighs and supports her body on Harry, who throws an arm over her shoulder and pulls her closer. “Say hi when you talk to her.”

            “Will do”, Louis smiles again and enters the elevator.

            “So, lunch?” Harry asks while he smiles and she nods. “Lou, I’ll be out for an hour or so, you can transfer any calls to my cellphone, cause I can’t afford not being reachable right now.”

            “I will, Harry”, Louise assures him. “Mrs. Cox, I’ll put your suitcase in Harry’s office, if that’s okay…?”

            Anne says that yes, she can do that, and thanks her, already pressing the elevator button and waiting for Harry to get his wallet and cellphone from his desk. They make their way downstairs and decide to go to a restaurant across from the building, so they can buy themselves some time.

            Harry promises her they’ll go out for some proper dinner at night, but she doesn’t mind much, only roams her eyes through his face, taking in each and every expression. Harry knows what his mother is doing – she’s scanning every part of him before asking what she will already probably know.

            The great thing about his relationship with her is that even though she usually knows things before asking, she never pressures him to tell her anything, and she never assumes either before he actually speaks. Anne gives him time, she asks about the trip to the Hamptons and tells him he really did need a week off, he’d been working nonstop since his birthday in February when he went home for a week.

            She tells him about how Robin’s job is doing really good and how she’s thinking about finally opening a Floriculture near where they live, because it seems like they won’t be moving again after all – they are settled there. Harry tells her how great he thinks it is, since it’s been her dream since he can remember.

            He and Gemma used to help her when they were kids, still living in Holmes Chapel, and he remembers it like it was yesterday learning the names and meanings of the flowers and making a game out of it with his sister. Whoever could name the flower of the day got to help their mother plant the seeds in a new vase. He smiles at the memory.

            “Speaking of kids…” She starts. “Louis looks good.”

            “And the correlation is…?” Harry laughs and drinks some water.

            “I remember him as a kid.”

            “He was twenty when we left.” He reminds her.

            “I’ll always remember him as a kid”, she shrugs in a dismissive way, letting him know this is not the point she wants to discuss.

            “Amy told me she loved me”, is what he says.

            “Oh wow”, Anne blinks three times in a row. “D’you love her?”

            “No”, he answers. “Not the same way at least.”

            “Does Louis being here has anything to do with it?”

            “Mom”, he rolls his eyes. She just waits. “No”, he answers truthfully. “Louis being here is a bit confusing and actually heart-warming, but no—it’s got nothing to do with him”, he laughs weakly.

            “You don’t need to break up with her just because you don’t love her back”, she tells him and he’s about to speak up again when she continues, “ _but_ it’s also not fair to be with her if you’re leading her on.”

            “Am I though? Leading her on?” He asks.

            “Well- no. I haven’t seen you give her false hope, but H, c’mon, work with your mother here”, she smiles, “Amy _loves_ you, is _in love_ with you and you—”

            “Me?”

            “If you’re waiting to fall for her, ‘s not gonna happen, babe.”

            “You can’t know that.” It isn’t even fair for her to _say_ that, actually. “There’s no way for us to know that”, he says and drinks more water, because he’s not really hungry.

            “You’re my son, Harry. You fell in love with your first cat the second you saw him, you fell in love with traveling the first time we went to Paris, you fell in love with music when we bought you that David Bowie album—you fell in love with Louis the second you understood what being in love with a person meant”, Anne stops and considers what she’s going to say next, and then breathes in and out so she can continue. “You don’t need time to fall in love, babe. You, Harry, need admiration, infatuation, a bit of uncertainty and- and beauty. But you’ve never needed _time_ to love things. Or people.”

            “I hate that you know me”, he laughs. “Why was I such a loser during my childhood that you were my best friend?”

            “Louis was your best friend”, she points.

            “My second best friend”, he rolls his eyes. “I like her. I don’t wanna break up with her”, Harry kind of whines.

             “Why?”

            “Because—” he doesn’t know.

            “Can we get real here?”

            “Oh, can it get any more real?” He snorts and his mother makes one of those _don’t be ridiculous_ faces. “Why not?” Harry gives up.

            “Amy is _lovely_. And has an expiration date.”

            “You’re terrible”, he chuckles.

            “I’m truthful, dear.”

            “Eat your salad, woman”, he then says and she laughs before actually starting to eat.

 

-

 

            Louis ends up having tea with Anne the next day. She actually comes to the office bearing a box of Yorkshire tea and some homemade biscuits and Louis realizes how much he stills loves her. Anne remains the same, really. Same long shiny hair, same vivid eyes, same calming voice and soothing presence.

            They talk about what changed in their lives and she tells him about some new projects; he tells her about his family and how hard it has been for him and Aiden here, since he was used to visiting them at least a month.

            “I’m only gonna see them during Christmas holidays now…”

            “It is a long time to stay away from your loved ones—hope you like it here, though. Jeff’s a great guy and, well, you know Harry.

            “No, yeah, it’s been awesome. I made a few friends, I definitely like Niall…”

            “Niall Horan? Oh, I love Niall”, she says. “He used to come home with Harry when he couldn’t make it to Ireland during holidays. He once ate half of a turkey by himself during thanksgiving- once we came here it felt right to start celebrating it.”

            “That sounds like Niall”, he smiles and nods, remembering the day two weeks ago when he ate two burgers at nine am.

            “I’m glad you’re here, Louis”, Anne smiles one of the kindest smiles he’s ever seen. “Harry needs a friend right now- he needs someone who knows him.”

            Louis is pretty sure he doesn’t know Harry the way she thinks he does. He’s also pretty sure Jeff, Zayn, Niall, Cameron, the Liam guy he’s yet to meet or whoever’s been here the longest knows him better. Anne seems to read his expression – she’s _always_ been able to do that – and speaks again:

            “He hasn’t changed much, if that’s what you’re thinking”, she says. “Deep down he’s still the same. And you are too.”

            “I-”

            “Our essences don’t change, Lou”, she says getting up. “You still know each other. And he needs a good friend.”

            “I really missed you”, he smiles and opens his arms so they can hug. “Send my best wishes to Robin, yeah? Make him come along next time so we can grab some pints.”

            “I will- oh hi”, Anne says when she spots Aiden about to knock on the glass door.

            “Hi, excuse me”, Aiden says politely as he enters.

            “Aiden, this is Anne Cox, she’s Harry’s mother. Anne, this is Aiden- he’s a lawyer here and- and my fiancé.”

            “Oh! The fiancé”, her eyes widen, “I’ve heard so much about you. He’s handsome, Louis, good on you”, she smiles.

            “Nice to meet you”, he smiles kindly. “I was just coming to give you some contracts, Lou, Zayn’s being endorsed by Nike now and I need him to sign this before tomorrow—he’s obviously not picking up his phone.”

            “I’ll leave you to it”, she says. “Bye, dear”, she hugs him. “I missed you a lot—I’ll tell Gems to come and visit, I bet it’s already on her plans if Harry’s told her you’re in LA.”

            “’S gonna be lovely, I hope she does”, he smiles and tightens his arms around her. “See you, Anne.”

            “See you, Lou”, she says and lets go. “A pleasure to meet you, Aiden, I hope you enjoy LA.”

            “Thank you, Mrs Cox.” She doesn’t correct him. Louis finds it weird because he’s never ever needed to call Anne Mrs. Cox in his life, but oh well. Anne smiles one more time and leaves the room. “She’s lovely”, his fiancé comments.

            “She was like a mother to me- I’m pretty sure at some point I spent more time at her house than my own”, Louis tells him—“I’m sorry, was that weird?”

            “’S not _weird_ , you spent your entire childhood with him and his family, Lou. I’m low-key jealous they have all known you for so long- but I’m just lucky to get you now, yeah?”

            “You certainly get me now”, Louis smirks and pulls him by the waist. “D’you really have contracts for me to give Zayn or are we about to exchange blowjobs?” He asks kissing his jaw.

            “I really have contracts for you to give to Zayn”, Aiden laughs weakly and kisses him once. “Raincheck on blowjobs.”

            “See you later”, he whines and sits back on his chair, facing the envelope Aiden’s just left there and the thousands of emails he needs to reply to. Louis has always been one for hyperboles.

 

-

 

            Friday finds Louis leaving the building at six pm with a dinner date scheduled for seven thirty with Aiden (who always leaves at four) and hopefully a movie marathon when they get home, because he’s not feeling well enough for a sex marathon. Maybe he just needs food. Who knows.

            Jeff’s room is empty, because he left around lunchtime to go on a trip with his lovely wife and will only come back on Monday morning. That leaves their floor empty, since Cameron is out of town with a client and Harry always leaves at five. Just not today apparently.

            The light of Harry’s room is on and Louis can see him lying on the couch throwing what it looks like a golf ball in the air and catching it again. He could just go home and shower with spare time to go out again, but Anne’s words about Harry needing someone are still floating around in his mind and there’s no harm in asking if everything is okay.

            He knocks on the door three times but there’s music playing inside so Harry’s probably to immersed in it and the golf ball to listen, so he just enters the office.

            “ _Wake Me Up When September Ends_ , fitting”, he comments and laughs a bit once Harry gets so startled that lets the ball fall on his face. _Dork_ , he thinks fondly.

            “Lou, hi”, he says, “did you need something?” Harry asks sitting up.

            “No- was just leaving and thought about saying goodbye.”

            “Oh, okay”, he says.

            “Is everything okay, Harry?” Louis asks walking closer. He thinks about sitting by his side, but it’ll just be faster if he stays up, right? Like, it’s not like he’s been craving another long conversation like the one they had at the bar his first month here—or is it?

            “Yes, Lou, everything’s perfectly fine”, he smiles. “What about you? Plans for the weekend?”

            “Good, yeah- going out for dinner tonight, not sure of what we’re doing tomorrow or Sunday to be honest”, he shrugs.

            “Does Aiden like golf?” He then asks.

            “Yeah”, Louis rolls his eyes. Harry’s always liked it too, but Louis himself hates it.

            “There’s this private club here in LA, _El Caballero Country Club_ that we play every now and then- you could come”, he says, “- you can play football there too”, Harry chuckles before Louis can say anything.”

            “Do I wanna know the initiation fee?”

            “You don’t need to”, he smiles bashfully. It’s _so_ Harry to be ashamed of the posh things he likes. “You can come under my name- I’ll tell Niall to go under Jeff’s.”

            “Does Niall golf?”

            “He’s better than us- well, apart from Irving, Irving is _really_ good.” Harry remembers.

            “Irving is like—the boss of my bosses.”

            “He’s not the CEO anymore, he’s retired.”

            “He’s still fucking Irving Azoff, Harold.”

            “He’s amazing, you’ll love him- he’ll like your sassiness”, Harry points and Louis laughs. “Talk to Aiden and see if you guys want to go- send me a text and I’ll make your reservations.”

            “I will, thanks”, Louis smiles. “You really are okay, H?” He asks then. His voice went soft automatically; he’s not surprised.

            “I will be- need to sort some things out”, Harry tells him.

            “Okay- I’m… Here- if you want to talk.” He offers. Harry seems like he wants to say something, but reconsiders it and only nods instead. “Bye, Hazz.”

            “Bye, Lou. Have a nice dinner.”

            Louis sends him a smile and watches him lie down again, picking up the golf ball and throwing it in the air. He hadn’t even realized that Moving On from Kodaline was playing in the background when he left, so caught up in his thoughts.

            Anne said Harry needs him, but Louis is quickly realizing that maybe he needs him just as much. And if that isn’t the scariest thing he’s ever felt since he was twenty and Harry left, he doesn’t know what it is.

 

_“It’s funny why, but it still bothers me._

_I know it’s been so long, but I did not expect to see how beautiful you are._

_I guess that all that time apart has done you well.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much! Your comments and kudos make me very very happy!  
> Your feedback means the world to me so pls don't hesitate <3333
> 
> All the love,  
> M.


	3. When We Were Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is THE song for this chapter. [Adele - When We Were Young](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDWKuo3gXMQ). Please, listen to it. It's Adele, after all.
> 
> (I'm updating today cause I had some free time over the weekend, but I won't the next one so the 'two week update standard' continues, sorry.)
> 
> Again, massive thank you to Ari, who edits and comments on every page of it making me really happy! 
> 
> Have a nice read <3

 

_“You look like a movie, you sound like a song. My God, this reminds me of when we were young. Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were.”_

            Harry’s two weeks into September when he realizes what he needs to do.

            Zayn’s single just hit number one in fifty countries including The United States, of course, and they’re throwing a party for him at Jeff’s house, because why not? They’re friends and it’s the logical thing to do, since booking a venue was out of the question if they wanted to celebrate it today – which they do.

            Everybody’s going: from Zayn’s closest friends to any celebrity he knows that has a free schedule, the people from the studio and the people he likes from his management.

            Jeff left work around lunchtime, when they decided where the party would be, so he, Glenne and Niall could order the stuff they needed. So now Harry’s alone in his room waiting for Adam Levine from Maroon 5 to arrive so they can finish the arrangements for their tour – that starts next week – and Louise is with him, telling him all about Lux’s new friends at school.

            Harry hasn’t visited them in a while and he feels terrible about it, and then he realizes that since he started dating Amy, he stopped babysitting Lux, because he needed to have time for his girlfriend and she isn’t much for kids. It’s a shame, really, he misses that little girl. He also volunteers to take her for the weekend so Lou and Tom can have time for themselves, and promises he’ll take the best care of her. Lou thanks him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, five seconds before Adam knocks on the door and asks if he’s interrupting anything. Harry’s lucky that they’re good pals.

 

            Amy meets him at the office around seven thirty, beautifully dressed in Versace and blonde waves falling onto her shoulders.

            “Hi, babe”, she says and enters the room after only nodding to Lou.

            “Hey, you look beautiful”, he smiles and circles her waist with one arm, bringing her closer and kissing her softly on the lips.

            “Brought you a change of clothes”, she says and hands him a hanger with a sheer black shirt and a backpack that probably contains skinny jeans and new shoes. “Figured you’d like to dress more casually for the party.”

            “Thanks, you’re the best”, he smiles and takes it from her, closing his door and then realizing that he can’t change in here, since almost everything is made of glass. “I’d better change in the toilets”, Harry chuckles and turns around again, making his way to the restroom at the end of the hall.

            He doesn’t even know why he’s surprised to find Louis in there. It’s been happening all week: they’ve been seeing each other in every room. Wherever Harry goes, Louis seems to be there. Also, whatever he does, Louis seems to be included.

            Harry’s read somewhere that when you see someone with whom you used to share a strong bond after so long, it’s normal to get confused about feelings and reactions, but one would’ve expected it to have faded away already, which apparently isn’t the case, because his heart skips a beat as soon as he closes the door behind him.

            “Hey, H”, Louis smiles while he finishes washing his hands.

            “Hi”, he says and stands awkwardly across from him. “I’ll just—” and then places his stuff on the marble counter.

            There’s no way he’ll be able to change comfortably in one of the cubicles neither does he want to because that’d be just plain ridiculous. He’s a big boy and Louis is the only person besides himself that knows everything there is to know about his body – even if he doesn’t remember, which he probably doesn’t, it doesn’t mean Harry needs to feel ashamed.

            But then it hits him that it isn’t _shame_ per se, it’s curiosity. The part of Harry that chooses to change clothes exactly in the middle of the restroom is curious  to know if Louis will dart his eyes to his body, find his now defined abs attractive, if his gaze will linger a bit longer on his thighs like it used to when they were younger.

            Before he talks himself out of it, as stupid as it is, he’s already shirtless and got his trousers pooled around his ankles and—and Louis is staring. He feels accomplished.

            “I didn’t know we needed to change for the party”, is what Louis says, turning his eyes back to the mirror. _Like he can’t see my reflection in it_ , Harry thinks happily.

            “We don’t”, Harry chuckles while struggling only a bit to get his jeans up his legs. “Amy brought me some clothes, because she knows I feel better in jeans.”

            He thinks he hears Louis say something in the lines of _looks better too_ , but he’s not sure.

            “Think I’m gonna head home to change then”, he says and moves towards the door.

            “Oh, you don’t have to.”

            “I do, I hate these clothes as well”, Louis tells him and Harry doesn’t know if he’s _imagining_ it, but it’s like everything Louis says about himself is a different kind of _dare_ to see if Harry remembers certain things about him.

            But honestly, how could he have forgotten how much Louis hates dress shoes and button ups? He was always pretty vocal about it. And other things. But anyway.

           

 

            The party is going great. He’s met some industry friends, he’s taken some pictures and he’s congratulated Zayn more times than he can count – but that’s due to alcohol. He’s kicked Liam’s ass playing darts and he even managed to squeeze a phone call with Ed Sheeran himself to schedule a meeting at the beginning of October.

 

            Now, all he can think is: little shit. _That’s_ what Louis is.

            Two hours later when he and Aiden arrive at Jeff’s house due to Los Angeles' ridiculous traffic, Louis is wearing white; Harry repeats: Louis is wearing _white_ tight jeans. But Harry doesn’t stare. He notices it, he prevents himself from having a heart attack and he turns the other way, not wanting to be disrespectful to his own girlfriend or towards Louis’ relationship.

            It’s just that he isn’t used to sexual tension anymore. If there were ever any, he’d release it with the right person, the person he felt it for: Amy. And now… Now Harry is craving some other kind of sex that _unfortunately_ Amy cannot provide. It obviously isn’t her fault. 

            Louis has awakened something in him.

            For a while now Harry had been content with what he had – not only emotionally, but, of course, sexually speaking. But for the past month he’s been thinking nonstop about how much he liked being thoroughly and brilliantly fucked by another guy. How much he liked to be eaten out. How much he liked giving blowjobs and feeling his throat expand to allow someone else’s dick to be completely buried in it. And how is he supposed to _cope_ with it?

 

            That’s why the end of September also brings the end of Harry’s relationship. It was imminent, really. Once he realized he wasn’t feeling fulfilled anymore, he made sure to go over to Amy’s place and have a real nice dinner with her and a somewhat civil conversation.

            She threw some stuff at him – like a spoon and a shoe. She also cried a lot and he did his best not to cry because of her crying, it wouldn’t be fair. She only hit him twice and kissed him once. Harry felt bad, like, really, really bad. And five days later, he still isn’t better.

           

            There’s a soft knock on his door when he hangs up the phone with his mother, Jeff enters as soon as he nods.

            “Hey, H, can we talk?” He asks sitting across from him.

            “Sure, what’s up?” He asks. “Oh, by the way, can you sit in on mine and Ed’s meeting next week? I hate to admit it, but your name makes a hell of a difference. I’d have your dad sitting there if I could convince him”, Harry chuckles.

            “Well, if there’s someone who can convince my father to do something that someone’s definitely my mom. And you’re close second”, Jeff assures him and Harry smiles bashfully. The fact that his friend isn’t jealous at all of his and Irving’s relationship is what makes Harry consider Jeff even _more_ of a brother. “I didn’t come to talk about work, though.”

            “Oh, okay.”

            “You’re shit, mate”, Jeff says. “You look like shit and you haven’t been eating properly. You haven’t even been to the gym.”

            “Not that you’d know cause you have a gym at your place, you twat”, Harry responds.

            “Li told me”, he smiles. “C’mon, H, work with me here…” His friend sighs and looks at him intently.

            “There’s nothing to work with, mate”, Harry says. “I’ve been feeling like shit and I haven’t eaten properly because of it. And I haven’t been going to the gym because I can’t _sleep_ properly, so—yeah. ‘S gonna get better”, he offers him a smile then.

            “Niall’s around- Zayn went back to the UK to visit his family cause he’s got next week off—Niall asked what we’d all be doing tonight, he’s organizing some kind of a lads night for you- _don’t_ ”, Jeff interrupts. “Don’t say no, yeah? Glenne’s going out with her friends so I’ll be with you; Liam already ditched a chick to come and even Louis and Aiden said they’d go…”

            Harry laughs. Loudly. Oh, just his luck.

            “Niall’s buying lots of alcohol as we speak and I’m paying for all of our pizzas. Louis is taking care of dessert.”

            “He’s gonna bring ice cream”, Harry rolls his eyes. “Lou doesn’t cook for shit.”

            “Maybe Aiden does”, Jeff shrugs.

            “Maybe”, Harry agrees and braces himself for what will probably be the most awkward night of his life.

 

-

 

            By the time he gets home from work Niall is already at his flat (he has a spare key) watching some American Football game that doesn’t interest Harry, because it isn’t the Packers playing.

            “Beer?” He asks from the couch.

            “Please, feel comfortable in _my_ house”, Harry mocks and walks past him. “Gonna shower first, Ni.”

 

            Harry wasn’t planning on washing his hair, but he’s had an exhausting day and hot water on his curls always makes him feel better and more relaxed. So he lets it wash over him with his eyes closed and his head bent forward, so the pressurized water hits his neck and slowly works on his nodules.

            There’s no way to foresee how tonight’s gonna go. Of course Niall, Liam and Jeff will make it awesome for him – they’re his best friends, they’re his people, they’re his chosen family. Still, when he thinks about watching Louis being happy with Aiden, he doesn’t know how _good_ it’ll be. Because the truth is, Harry’s maybe, just maybe slightly jealous of what they have.

            He refuses to believe he’s still in love with Louis – he’s thought about it, he’s talked about it, he’s _decided_ against it –, but he can’t deny that the attraction is still there. Because last night, when he went out by himself to a pub two streets from his flat to try and hook up with some guy, he couldn’t help but look for someone a bit shorter than him, who showed curves and tanned skin and soft brown hair. Blue eyes were a must too. Needless to say, he didn’t find anyone and wanked in his bed before giving up and falling asleep.

            With the attraction still being there, more accentuated than before, Harry can’t help but feel kind of _bad_. Because you see, he is a good person. Aiden is a good person. Harry feels like wanting something that belongs to another person makes him greedy, and Harry _hates_ greedy people. Aiden doesn’t deserve a Harry who wants his fiancé. _Louis_ doesn’t deserve being wanted by someone who hadn’t been in his life for almost ten years until a few months ago.

            He washes his head and his body way faster than he actually stood under the shower, and when he’s done, he puts on some boxers and comfortable joggers. For a few seconds he ponders on putting on a shirt or not, but decides he’ll do it, cause, after all, he won’t be receiving _only_ his closest friends today.

 

            Harry gets to the living room and finds everybody but the couple there. He’s kinda relieved that he’ll be able to drink a bit before he needs to deal with so many things at once.

            Because apart from the Louis thing, which should be at the back of his mind, but isn’t, Harry also feels bad for not loving Amy the way she loves him. He feels bad for not being able to say that that amazing girl is enough for him. He feels bad for breaking her heart. He feels bad for-- there’s a soft knock on the door.

            “That must be Lou”, Niall says and since Harry’s the only one standing up, coming from his bedroom, he just continues walking towards the hall.

            His hair’s still damp even after he dried it the best he could with the towel, and he’s barefoot, but he’s comfortable and he’s home and—Louis is alone.

            Harry opens the door and there’s no Aiden there.

            “Hazz, hi”, Louis says, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another. He’s also wearing black joggers and a gray shirt and Harry only doesn’t cry because he laughs.

            “We’re matching.”

            “That we are”, Louis smiles.

            “Hm- where’s Aiden?” He frowns, looking over Louis’ shoulder like his fiancé could appear from anywhere at any given second.

            “He got home feeling a bit sick”, he says not meeting Harry’s eyes, “but I had promised Niall that I’d come cause apparently I don’t _socialize_ as much as I should with you guys outside work and- and you haven’t been yourself lately, so.” He shrugs. “Here I am.”

            “Come in”, Harry opens the door wider and lets him walk in, closing the door behind Louis and immediately trying to process all of that information. _Louis is here. Aiden isn’t here. Aiden is sick. Louis came anyway because of me. Louis is here_.

            “I brought ice cream”, he smiles.

            “Course you did”, Harry says under his breath but he thinks Louis catches it. “Kitchen’s that way, put it in the freezer and come to the living room”, Harry says loudly and makes his way to lie on one of the couches, placing his head on Liam’s lap; it’s _safe_.

           

            If Harry thought he’d have to drink a bit to deal with the _couple_ , he’s having it much worse now, downing his third shot of tequila (that is doing _nothing_ to him) while Louis tells stories about _their_ childhood. He’s currently talking about the time Harry wanted to build a tree house and how they spent the entire weekend collecting wood to try and do so, but in the end they only managed a _dog house_ , when they didn’t even have a dog. Harry then put the poorly made dog house down the street and eventually a cute abandoned puppy found its way there.

            “Harry spent months buying him food since Anne wouldn’t let us bring him home”, Louis says with a smile on his face; Harry does a very good job at not choking on his slice of pepperoni pizza when Louis refers to his old house as _home_.

            For a brief moment Harry wonders if Louis would be this open if his fiancé were here. He shakes his head and focuses back on the conversation.

            “Stop mocking me, you used to shower the dog and play with him when we came back from school.”

            “Don’t call Elvis _the dog_ , Harold, for fuck’s sake”, Louis complains.

            “Why did you name a street dog _Elvis_?” Jeff asks.

            “It was Harry’s dad favorite singer according to Anne”, Louis is the one who explains. “The day we first found Elvis we had spent the morning in Harry’s basement going through Des’ vinyl collection.”

            “Des was…” Niall starts.

            “My dad, yeah”, he smiles and looks at Louis, hoping that his eyes are doing the job of thanking him for remembering the story and also for telling it with such kindness in his tone.

            “Why do we only get childhood stories, though?” Liam asks. He’s the one who’s always completely fucking _oblivious_ to things until they’re pointed straight into his face. “I bet you guys were up to some trouble in your teenage years…”

            Harry glares at him and Louis smirks, but doesn’t look Liam in the eyes either.

            “Wha—”

            “They used to date, you twat”, it's Niall who says it.

            “ _What_?” Jeff and Liam ask at the same time. And then Jeff proceeds to speak- _“oh my fucking God!”_ , he exclaims. “Of course, I’m an idiot. He’s _the_ guy, isn’t he? Of fucking course.”

            “Jeff, you absolute idiot”, Niall laughs and slaps the top of his head.

            “Harry only said they went way back”, he defends himself.

            “A guy. A gay guy, from my past, whom I hadn’t seen or spoken to in eight years—who did you think he was, Jeff?” Harry asks laughing. “You should’ve known, mate”, is how he finishes.

            “Well, if it’s any consolation I didn’t know either”, Liam tells Jeff.

            “It isn’t”, he replies and they all laugh a bit.

            “Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson fooled around in the past, that’s rich”, Liam smiles seeming pretty happy with the topic they’re talking about. Harry’s now sat by his side pretending he doesn’t want to bury his face in the ground.

            “We didn’t fool around”, Louis says to Harry’s surprise. Niall sends him a supportive look from the armchair. “We dated for two years and before that I’d been in love with him for—forever I think”, he smiles.

            “We didn’t fool around”, Harry repeats. “We did cause some trouble though…” He then says. “Remember when we thought it’d be a good idea to steal Lottie’s tampons?”

            “Who’s Lottie?” Jeff asks.

            “My sister—God she was so pissed”, Louis laughs. “I was older; I should’ve been more mature.”

            “Louis, you and the word mature in the same sentence is something that I have never heard of before now”, Harry jokes.

            “Oi”, he complains and Harry laughs his _Louis_ laugh. They’re both taken by surprise. The moment passes. “I once thought it’d be awesome to dress up for Halloween and made mom paint my face white so I’d look like a member of that band—what’s the name?”

            “Kiss”, Harry offers.

            “Yeah—and Harry didn’t want to so I was the only one wearing make-up that night… We went to the party, we came back to our own houses...”

            “I woke up with my hair full of white paint”, Harry completes.

            “I obviously snuck out of my house after letting mum know I was in and went to Harry’s…”

            “The worst part is that I got grounded when _nothing happened_ ”, Harry complains. “Because Louis was drunk and and I put him under the shower and then tried to clean his face the best I could”, he chuckles at the memory. “He fell asleep on me the second we hit the bed.”

            “Your mum didn’t care if we had sex, Harry”, Louis rolls his eyes. “She was only pissed that I had stayed over on a school day. My mom also grounded me—something about _corrupting_ _someone younger_. As if sixteen year old Harry needed to be corrupted”, he finishes with another smirk.

            “Should I be offended?” Harry arches an eyebrow.

            “I’m loving this”, Liam says with a smile on his face. “It’s like we’re getting to know a new Harry”, he then explains. “His stories were always so vague.”

            “There was a huge part missing when I told them”, he replies.

            He only talked about Louis ( _this guy from back home_ ) when it was extremely necessary.

            “Who topped?” Niall asks out of the blue and they all laugh loudly at the question. Niall is a _ridiculous_ human being.

            “You’re too interested in this for a straight guy, Nialler”, Jeff ruffles his hair.

            “Straight, but never narrow, my friend”, he says and goes to the kitchen, coming back with ice creams and spoons for everyone. Disgustingly so, he makes them all taste ice cream with beer. “Ok, so, answer me, please, it’s a matter of life or death.”

            “I think we kinda shared that really”, is what Louis says.

            “Oh my God, Louis, _shut up_ ”, Harry throws his head back mortified and puts a pillow on his face, deciding he’ll stay like this for the rest of the night.

 

            They change topics, eventually, after Niall asks more embarrassing questions not necessarily related to _them_ , but to gay sex. Louis answers them all, so proud and sure of who he is. It’s one of the things Harry’s always admired about him – it didn’t matter how many stones had been thrown his way, especially with that terrible coming out experience with Mark, he’d still make sure to stay true to himself and to those who mattered.

 

            It’s almost midnight when Glenne asks Jeff to pick her up at a pub because she’s wasted. He didn’t drink all night knowing that this would happen and: _couple goals_ , Harry thinks. Liam gets a booty call, even though he politely says it wasn’t _like that_ and Niall decides to get a ride with him because he’s drunk.

            It wasn’t anything premeditated, Harry thinks. Louis just didn’t go home when everyone else did and now they’ve finished cleaning up the living room together; it’s a quarter past twelve and they are sprawled together on the couch watching Grease, because _why not_?

           

            At some point Harry notices he hasn’t glanced _once_ towards the TV, he’s only watching Louis.

            “I hope you know I’m just waiting for you to speak up.” Louis says without looking at him, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips.

            “What do you mean?” Harry asks.

            “Did you have fun tonight, Harry?” He asks and then turns to him, hugging both of his knees and resting his chin on them.

            “Yes, I did”, Harry smiles and turns to him as well.

            “Good, good…” Louis trails. “And what now? Will you be better on Monday?”

            “I… Don’t know?”

            “You need to get things off your chest, H”, Louis tells him. “If you don’t _talk_ about it, whatever it is, it’ll eat you alive. I’m your friend. _I’m your oldest friend._ Talk to me”, he asks and places a hand on Harry’s arm. Harry hopes he doesn’t notice that he shivers.

            “I miss having sex, Louis”, he then answers.

            There is no other way to start this conversation. It’s not a sexuality crisis; Harry had one of those many years ago. It’s something that’s bothering him, it’s something that guys talk about with other guys, and it’s something that, deep down, Harry knows Louis is the person he’ll be most comfortable to talk to about it.

            It surely isn’t what Louis was expecting, though, because he looks a bit taken aback and his eyes widen a little.

            “I didn’t think your sex life with Amy was bad—well, I didn’t _think_ about your sex life with Amy”, he chuckles.

            “My sex life with Amy was amazing”, he guarantees him. “I miss sex with men, Louis”, he then confesses without actually looking him in the eyes.

            “Well. I can see how that was a problem then”, Louis voices.

            “The main problem was that I didn’t love her back”, he continues. “I mean, what kind of person would I be if I kept going with this relationship knowing that she was in love with me and I was just kind of—waiting to fall for her?”

            “Ha, you don’t need time to fall for things, H. Or people”, he says knowingly.

            “Mum said the same thing… You two truly are the people who know me best in the world”, Harry tells him and Louis smiles, squeezing his arm again. It’s insane how after so many years so many things change, but others stay exactly the same. “Anyway, that was the main problem. But then you—you, ok, let’s not make this awkward, yeah? But you were my _boyfriend_ , so of course I would, like, _see_ you”, he tries to explain.

            “Check me out, you mean”, he laughs weakly. “I did the same, Hazza, it’s not awkward, it’s natural. And lemme say, you’re hot as fuck.”

            “Likewise”, Harry laughs. “It’s no surprise, you’ve always been... Anyway, I caught myself thinking about… Things.”

            “Things _we_ did? _Sex_?” Louis asks.

            “This is embarrassing.”

            “This is _me._ Talk to me.”

            “Well, you made me realize I miss getting _fucked_ , Louis. And I can’t do that with a _girlfriend_ , now can I?”

            “Well—”

            “Don’t you dare go there”, Harry stops him and they both laugh a bit. And it’s just… Easy.

            “I can see how that was difficult, yeah”, he says in a lower voice. “When were you last fucked, Harry?” Louis asks and scoots closer, like he just _knows_ what it’ll do to him right now.

            “You don’t wanna know.”

            “Don’t I now?” And then realization hits him. “You were eighteen and still living in England?” He asks a bit alarmed. “Harry, what the fuck?!” It’s like he’s getting a bit exasperated. “You- you… You didn’t date _guys_ after me?”

            “A few”, he clarifies. “But I would always do the fucking.”

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah”, he throws his head back on the couch, Louis’ hand finds his hair in no time. “And I just- _Louis_ ”, Harry exhales when the other man pulls his hair.

            “Wanted to see if that was still a thing for you”, he pulls again, Harry clenches his jaw. “It clearly is.” _Not fair._ “Look, H-”

            “Don’t make this any more awkward, Louis, let’s just change subject, yeah?”

            “ _No_ , because this is bothering you and I wanna help.”

            “Will you fuck me?” Harry asks out of the blue, kind of annoyed. “Oh, God, I’m sorry”, he scream-whispers. “Totally not what I had in mind.”

            “I think it’s _totally_ what you have in mind. It’s all you have in mind right now—me fucking you”, he says nonchalantly, but if Harry knows him like he’s starting to think he still knows him, the high pitch in his tone _totally_ gives his fake-calm away. “But I have a fiancé and I can’t do that.”

            “I’m aware.”

            “I’m sorry, Hazz. Don’t be mad.”

            “You got nothing to apologize and I’m not mad, just- frustrated.”

            “Sexually frustrated.”

            “Yeah”, he laughs. “Not for long. It won’t be hard to find someone willing to fuck me in Los Angeles, believe me.” Harry tells Louis and this time pretends he doesn’t feel the pull in his hair, mostly because he believes _Louis_ himself didn’t intend to do that, he just clenched his fist out of… What? Harry doesn’t know and he doesn’t dare to think _jealousy_ , because, as Louis so clearly put, he’s got a _fiancé_.

            “I suppose it won’t”, he finally agrees and turns back to the movie. So. That wasn’t awkward at all. They’re fine. Everything’s fine.

            When Louis leaves, they hug for longer than the first day they saw each other at Jeff’s office, and Louis only goes home after he assures Harry that he’s really, really happy that they’ve reconnected, and he didn’t know how much he missed him until they saw each other again. Harry, unfortunately, can relate. Except for the part about only noticing it recently. It feels like Harry’s been missing Louis since the minute he got on that plane at Heathrow Airport all those years ago; he had just buried it inside.

 

-

 

            Zayn’s second single hits number one faster than his first one and this time they make up their minds to go to a pub, because a party is too much of a hassle and Zayn says he just wants to celebrate with them.

            Louis has two friends now. Well, three, if he’s counting Harry, but—he’s got two _new_ friends now. Niall had already warmed his way into his heart, and now Zayn’s got a safe, big place there too. They have tons of things in common, after all, and during smoking breaks on TV shows or writing sessions, Zayn is always looking for Louis’ advices on all kinds of things – not only work related. A while later, Louis finds himself doing the same.

            So when Jeff barges into his office with a smiling Zayn by his side, Louis hugs him and congratulates him with pride. Yes. He’s proud of Zayn, his friend – not only Zayn Malik, his client.

            “God, this week just keeps getting better, I swear!”, Jeff smiles happily. “Louis, get him to do two radio interviews, one in the US and one in the UK, and then we can go out to celebrate. It’s on the company, of course.”

            “Wouldn’t have it any other way”, Zayn fake-smiles to annoy the boss and Jeff slaps his shoulder.

            “Get to work”, he says and exits the room.        

            “I am really happy for you, Zayn”, Louis says and moves to his desk, looking for his cellphone and trying to contact radio shows. “We’ll also have to schedule TV appearances of course…” He lets him know, already calling Radio 1 in London.

            Zayn’s relaxed and happy most of the time during the interviews, and they last ten minutes each. Louis loves happy Zayn because he actually allows him to do his job.

 

            “I’m thinking Ellen this time, what d’you say?” He says after his client slash friend finishes his conversation with Ryan Seacrest, sitting by Zayn’s side resting his laptop on his thighs.

            “I like Ellen, let’s do it”, he smiles. “I also loved doing that carpool thing-y… I’d let that dude interview me with no problem whatsoever”, he says and scratches his beard. Such a Zayn thing to do.

            “James, yeah, loved that too”, Louis agrees smiling. It’ll actually be easier to get him into The Late Late Show again, especially because in two weeks, after his CD release party in New York, Zayn will be going to Europe for two weeks for rounds of interviews before they all get a break.

            He finishes work while Zayn only lazes around – he deserves it, he’s number one, _again_ – and then he texts Aiden to meet them in his room so they can all go together to the pub.

            Zayn’s kinda passive-aggressive towards Aiden, but Louis tries to justify it as Zayn being passive-aggressive with anyone who isn’t him or Niall, or Harry, or Jeff, or—yeah, he just tries to justify it to himself. He’s polite, though, and it’s all everybody needs, right? Politeness and respect.

 

            “Where’s Harry?” Zayn asks when as soon as they get to the parking lot. Niall’s there to get a ride with him, Jeff’s in his own car and Louis is walking with Aiden towards theirs (they only took one this morning). Harry’s the only one missing. Louis didn’t want to be the one to point that out, but is somewhat glad Zayn did.

            Since Harry opened up to him the first time, they talked about this kind of stuff on other rare occasions. Once at lunch, once when they went out for drinks across from the building on a Thursday night, once when Louis went to his office in the middle of the afternoon because he was bored to death. So, three times. And things are good with them. Nothing’s awkward, at least Louis doesn’t think so, and he is happy Harry is always _there_ again.

            When Harry left twenty year old Louis behind, Louis didn’t know what to feel. They always say it’s terrible not to have real friends outside your relationship, because when the relationship ends, there’s no one there for you. What _they_ don’t know is that up until that point, Harry was Louis’ only real friend. Sure he liked the guys on the football team, sure he had some “lads nights” without Harry, sure he had some girl friends with whom he was close, but none of them were his best friend, because his best friend was also his boyfriend and his boyfriend left, taking his best friend with him.

            Louis has never blamed Harry – not consciously, at least. They were both young and kinda stupid, _drunk_ in love, and there’s no way he can affirm right now they’d still be together had Harry stayed. Louis is _extremely_ glad that he got the best friend back, though, and right now that’s the only reason why he also wants to know why the fuck Harry wasn’t here when Zayn’s single hit the top and where he _is_ that he isn’t _here_ now to go celebrate with them.

            “Oh, he’s at a… Thing. With a friend. He’ll meet us there”, Jeff says and gets into his car.

            “Just follow us, yeah?” Zayn speaks to Aiden and gets into his car as well, turning on the engine and waiting for them.

 

            They get to _Greystone Manor_ in less time than Louis expected, but maybe because he and Aiden talked a lot during the way about what they wanted to buy for their families this Christmas. Since they’re going back together to the UK, it makes sense to shop together as well, even though they’ll spend Christmas day separately – Aiden will be with him for his birthday on the twenty-fourth, but then he’ll head to his parent’s home on the morning of the 25 th. Louis isn’t going because of course he’ll want to stay with his girls.

            The bar is more of a nightclub space than anything. It isn’t packed because 1) it appears to be super private and 2) it’s still relatively early – seven pm. Sun hasn’t even set properly yet. But the place is amazing nonetheless and when Zayn says that Harry was the one who first showed it to him, it doesn’t surprise Louis.

            As soon as he gets inside he realizes the place kind of reminds him of Renaissance stuff, with ornate chandeliers and millwork. There’s a dance floor surrounded by two full-service bars and the décor includes vintage sofas finished with aged leather and velvet; to his right there’s a lounge area for smaller groups, where they end up sitting. (Yep, this place is _totally_ a Harry thing.)

 

            “Babe, what are you drinking?” Aiden asks.

            “You don’t wanna drink?” Louis frowns. Whenever they take one car, one of them gets smashed, the other is, obviously, the designated driver. 

            “Not really, you can get drunk, you deserve it—your client’s a bad ass and you’re part of it”, he smiles and Louis does the same, kissing him without minding people around. Louis loves PDA, sue him. Better, _don’t_ , as his fiancé is a great lawyer.

            “In that case—”, Louis says to his mouth, stopping to kiss him one more time, “I’m gonna have a Cosmopolitan, please”, he asks louder turning to the waitress at their table.

            “You’re gonna taste amazing after that…” Aiden says.

            “And how are _you_ gonna know that?” He asks, kissing him again, because maybe Louis is a little bit horny—but Aiden doesn’t get to answer, because Niall yells _Harry, my man_ and Louis head turns faster than ever to the direction of his voice.

            And. Harry’s not alone. Oh, no. He’s got a man by his side, one Louis doesn’t even think matches his, hm, level. It’s probably nothing, _maybe it’s one of Zayn’s mates and Harry just gave the guy a ride_ , he thinks while he pretends he doesn’t already know all of Zayn’s closest friends.

            “Hi, guys, sorry, I’m kinda late”, he smiles and sits by Zayn’s side with the guy following him. “Guys, this is Xander, Xander, these are Aiden, Louis and Niall. Jeff and Zayn you already know”, he smiles and grabs the drinks menu. “You drinking?” He turns to _Xander_.

            “Hm, a Martini, maybe!?” _Harry hates Martinis_.

            “Not much for it”, he responds politely and analyzes the menu for a few more seconds before asking a Martini for Xander and a Manhattan for himself.

           

            “So, the real question is: where’s Liam?” Louis asks when the table goes silent.

            “Working, couldn’t make it”, Niall replies easily. “That’s not the real question”, he says louder, “real question is: _why didn’t I know Harry Styles was back in the game?_ ” The Irishman asks jokingly, but that’s actually a _great_ question.

            “Well, I didn’t know I had to announce my love—well, my _sex_ life to everybody, but okay”, he shrugs and Xander laughs easily kissing him on the shoulder.

            “We met less than two weeks ago at _Agency_ ”, Louis supposes it’s a club. “He was there with Zayn—and Jeff I met at lunch at the beginning of the week. Harry isn’t hiding anything… I think?” He teases.

            “Nothing to hide, mates”, Harry shrugs and kisses his jaw. Louis cringes involuntarily and is glad when no one notices. Maybe Zayn does, but he doesn’t say anything, ever, he’s good like this.

 

            Throughout the whole night Louis is uncomfortable. And the more he drinks, the snappier he gets. For example, when Xander makes a joke he asks if he’s actually six to laugh at that even if everyone, including Aiden, is laughing too. When Harry asks if they want another round of drinks, when they’ve already moved on to beer, Louis says he doesn’t need anything from him and earns a hurt look from the boy. Man. Harry’s a man too now.

            He doesn’t confront it, is the thing. He doesn’t try to make it go away for now and maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but his mind makes it seem like it’s completely plausible to hate Xander even if he doesn’t know him.

            Subconsciously, Louis is feeling _threatened_.

            When he got here and Harry was in a somewhat established relationship with a woman, Louis was at peace with that, almost like he knew there would be an expiration date. He doesn’t _play_ with people’s sexuality, he doesn’t force them on them and he doesn’t judge _anyone_. He also believes there are people who can like both equally and live a fulfilled life that way, choosing one (or not choosing, whatever) to spend the rest of their lives with the person.

            Subconsciously, Louis always knew Harry would end up with a guy. Harry wasn’t _made_ to date a woman. He wasn’t made to only fuck someone and he wasn’t made to only hold a smaller frame every night. Harry was made to moan whilst being eaten out and choke on dicks – _have you seen those lips_?. Harry was made to have someone lying on his chest, but to also turn around and let himself be spooned when he’s feeling unwell.

            Subconsciously, Louis always knew Harry wasn’t made to date a woman, because Harry wasn’t made to wait down the aisle while somebody else takes the spotlight in a wedding dress. No. Harry was made to walk the aisle himself, with curls bouncing on his shoulders and maybe a flower crown on his head, he’s always liked those.

            Subconsciously, Louis always knew Harry was made to date _him_ and no one else.

            Of course he didn’t feel threatened by Amy, loving, blonde, _woman_ Amy. She – or any other girl for that matter – could never give Harry what he truly needed, what he always talked to Louis about when they were sappy as fuck and discussed the names of their future kids. Xander though… Xander can give him the exact same things Louis can— _could_ , can’t anymore, because he’s engaged himself. Xander is a man. Xander is a threat. Subconsciously, of course.

            On the surface, Louis just thinks, right now, that Xander isn’t enough for Harry. That’s why, when Harry gets up to go to the restroom when they’re talking animatedly about the album release in New York on the first of December, Louis excuses himself and follows him. On the surface, he has no idea why he does that. He doesn’t even face Aiden when he gets up.

 

            “You okay, Lou?” Harry asks when they’re walking side by side to the restrooms.

            “I am, but I guess you’re much better, aren’t you? Are you well fucked, Harry? Is your skin getting better with the amount of sperm you’re getting on your face?” He asks. He thinks he’s being reasonable. _Alcohol._

            “Wh-what?” The other man turns around and stops in the corridor, hand in the air like he was going to open the restroom door but decided against it.

            “How’s your fuck boy? Is he any good?”

            “Louis, what _are_ you on about?” He asks looking like he isn’t understanding anything. Maybe he isn’t. Neither is Louis, but he doesn’t realize it now.

            “I’m just asking, you know, worried, as a friend", he shrugs, “you were so eager to get back in the gay game again—and so sure it wouldn’t take long to find someone to fuck you. You were right, after all. To be honest, I thought you’d do better than _him_ , though”, he finishes, disgust obvious in his voice.

            “You’re not being fair”, is what Harry replies.

            “Aren’t I? Oh, Harry, but I’m just _asking_.”

            “No, you’re being a tit for no reason whatsoever, I don’t even know why I-”, Harry stops.

            “Why what?”

            “Nothing, let me go to the restroom, get back to your fiancé”, he shakes his head and finally opens the door, but locks it before Louis can make another move towards him.

 

            “What the hell was that?” Someone asks; it’s barely a whisper. Louis turns around. Aiden.

            “What?” He asks, still snappy.

            “Nothing, ‘s just weird that my fiancé was acting all jealous and possessive over some other guy seconds ago.”

            Not some other guy. _Harry._

            “I wasn’t”, he answers, “he just doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

            “He’s a big boy, I think he does.”

            “But he _doesn’t_ ”, Louis argues. “Harry’s- different. He’s gonna crash and burn and-”

            “He was just fine with Amy, Louis, Harry isn’t a fucking kid”, his fiancé replies annoyed and follows him back to the table. But Louis is kinda pissed. _What is Xander still doing here?_ He asks himself when he sees him at the table sharing a joke with Niall. Who is also _his_ friend.

            “Yeah, but Amy is a girl, it didn’t count.”

            “Louis-”

            “It didn’t fucking count!” Louis says harshly. “That guy’s just not- not good enough for him.” He says finally and Harry walks by them, glaring at him with a deadly look and at the same time silently apologizing to Aiden for whatever is happening right now.

            “I think we should go home”, Aiden sighs.

            “I think that’s a wonderful idea”, he agrees and struts towards the exit. “You’re coming?” He asks.

            “You’re being ridiculous”, Aiden rolls his eyes and asks the valet for the car.

            “Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me”, Louis voices and crosses his arm.

            Subconsciously he knows he’s being a fucking twat. On the surface he just wants to get home, hug a pillow and maybe cry a bit, because he’s… _Stressed_.

 

-

 

            Louis wakes up extremely hungover and all the signs are there: his head hurts, his body is heavy, he can _feel_ the bags under his eyes and he wants to throw up. Even if he can barely open his eyes, he makes his way towards the ensuite and kneels before the toilet, letting it all out and hating himself for having drunk so much the night before.

            Things come back to him in flashes while he pours his guts out in the bathroom and his headache only gets more accentuated when he realizes what a total tool he was to the two men he relates to the most in this fucking country.

            There’s a warm hand on his neck and _of course_ Aiden is there by his side, because he’s not a twat like Louis himself.

            “God, I feel like dying”, he complains and rests his forehead on the toilet.

            “I cooked breakfast, here- drink some water. Brush your teeth. I’ll be in the kitchen”, his fiancé says and leaves him again to fend for himself.

            The water on his face does a good job at making him feel less dizzy, so he decides on hopping under the shower in order not to feel so sticky anymore. It isn’t summer anymore and the weather is starting to get a bit cold, but he doesn’t even dare to turn on hot water, letting the cold one sober him up for good and maybe cure this fucking sickness.

            He makes his way to the kitchen in white boxers and a white long sleeved shirt, hair all messed up and body still heavy, but a bit better. As promised, he finds Aiden there with bacon on a frying pan and what looks like orange juice in a jar.

            “Eat”, he says.

            “You’re an angel, thank you”, he kisses him square on the mouth and then sits at the table. “I’m sorry for yesterday, I don’t know what happened”, he says and lets his shoulders fall, grabbing the fork to start eating when Aiden places the bacon and eggs on his plate.

            “Well, I’d quite like you to figure it out, because I kinda need an explanation”, he says restrained and sits across from him.

            “Harry and I are friends—and we’ve been talking”, he tells him, “about, you know, his dating life. He broke up with Amy because he wanted to be with guys and I just thought- it’d take longer? Or, I don’t know, he’d find someone better.”

            “It’s not up to you to decide when he’s ready or who he wants, Louis”, and the _not anymore_ is implied.

            “Well, it is up to me to worry”, he replies. “Which I do. In a twisted and _clearly_ cocky way… But I do. I’m sorry I acted that way; I was drunk and I overreacted.”

            “ _That’s_ an understatement.”

            “I said I’m sorry”, Louis repeats. He doesn’t like to repeat himself much.

            “You’re forgiven”, Aiden says then. “Now let’s finish eating and get back to bed, because I’m still sleepy.”

            “Oh, honey, we’re not sleeping”, he smirks and Aiden only pretends to be annoyed, eating faster than he normally does just so they’ll go back to the room in no time.

 

            On Monday, Louis apologizes to Harry.

            He felt like he deserved better than a text on Sunday, so on Monday he goes to Harry’s office and says he’s sorry, says he was out of line, says he just worries. Harry says _it’s okay_ , but his eyes say _whatever, Louis_ , like he doesn’t buy his reasons for a second and—why’s that?

            Louis doesn’t dwell on things, it’s just not his style, but he doesn’t seem to understand what other reasons Harry thinks he might have had to snap at him for being with someone else. Actually, he doesn’t seem to understand why _he_ isn’t convinced with them either, but he majestically pushes it to the back of his mind until there’s no way not to think about it anymore.

           

            As it turns out, it can get _really_ cold in California mid-November.

            Next month he and Aiden are going back home for the holidays and they decide to use the weekend to go Christmas shopping so they can arrive there with presents for everybody in their respective families. Louis likes Aiden’s family just fine, but they’re not _his_ family; at least “not yet”, according to Aiden. _When we get married, it’s gonna change, you’ll see_. Louis doesn’t tell him they’re not even close to signing papers.

            “Babe, d’you remember that Christmas when mom gave Daisy hairdresser stuff and she fucked up with your hair? I laughed so hard”, Louis asks him when they enter a beauty store looking for things for the older twins.

            “Uhn, no, Lou… I don’t think I do”, he says and clears his throat, moving to the other aisle and letting Louis decide between Dior and Chanel make-up by himself.

            That was a fuck up, kinda, because when Louis gives it some thought, he remembers that he and Aiden never spend the holidays together _together_. They always see each other on the 24 th because it’s Louis’s birthday, but then on the 25th they spend each with their own family and Louis always goes out with his uni friends on the 31st. This year will be the first one they’ll spend New Year’s Eve together – Aiden convinced him to go to London with him. It’ll be nice, Louis thinks, especially because Lottie and her boyfriend will be there as well.

 

            Niall told them that the best place to buy “expensive shit” was on Rodeo Drive, a famous street in LA with tons of design stores, so that’s where they are. It’s not like they’re millionaires, but they’ve been doing well for themselves, and Louis feels like his mom deserves something fancy.

            “Aiden, look”, Louis points to a scarf as soon as they enter _Salvatore Ferragamo_ , “d’you remember your scarf phase? That was adorable, I liked them.”

            “We all wear scarves, Lou, especially in winter.”

            “Yeah, but not on our heads”, he smiles amusedly running his hands through the different kinds of floral patterns.

            “I never wore scarves around my head, Louis”, he sighs and smiles in a thin line. _Oh_. Louis thinks Harry had a scarf phase. Jesus. He moves on to the dresses and thinks of Jay.

 

-

 

            December rolls around and Harry’s still weird with him.

            They all fly together to NYC to Zayn’s CD release party and stay at the same hotel – well, Louis and Aiden, Zayn and Niall. Jeff has a place in the city and Harry stays with him and his wife. Oh. And Xander, with whom he’s still hooking up, but it’s _nothing serious_ , Niall says. Niall. Because Harry doesn’t talk to him anymore.

            Things go okay at work. They _are_ on speaking terms after all and they are polite with each other, but that’s all. Harry never stays after hours and never barges into Louis’ room with a stupid joke he’s just read online. Lunches are off the table, too, or at least he gets the message when he and Jeff keep going out together with Cameron but “forget” to let him know – it’s fine, really, he just gets more free time with Aiden. It’s just weird, is all.

            The only day they properly spoke was three days ago, when he went to Louis’ room by himself to ask if he thought he could handle another high-profiled artist to manage. And then he “gave him” Ed Sheeran. Louis had talked to the guy _once_ at the office, and was, _is_ , a proper fanboy. He thanked Harry with a genuine smile and Harry answered with an equal one. But that was it.

 

            “You okay, mate?” Zayn asks when the photographer is done with them. Louis has already posed for more pictures than he ever has in his entire life, he’s pretty sure.

            “Kinda blind, to be honest”, he jokes.

            “Not what I was asking.”

            “Of course I’m okay, I’m happy, your album’s out there, Z- you did good, and you’re gonna do better during promo week, I have faith in you.”

            “Ugh, promo”, he fakes a disgusted face. Actually, scratch that, it’s not fake. Zayn truly is disgusted by publicity, even – or especially, Louis suspects – when it’s gonna do him good.

            “It’s the life you chose, mate”, Louis offers him a smile.

            “A fucking great life, Tommo”, he know smiles genuinely.

            “I agree, Z, I agree”, he laughs and follows him to the dance floor.

            The party goes perfectly and he doesn’t even want to kill himself the next day, since he saw Aiden drinking more than he normally did and stopped the alcohol himself – one of them had to be okay to take care of each other after all, and to manage to drag the other out of the bed to the airport the next afternoon.

           

            The last three weeks at work go by without many problems and when they finally make it back to the UK, they feel tired, but accomplished. Louis gets in the car and can’t help but replay every single special moment he lived in California in such a small window of time and he catches himself wishing he could spend New Year’s at Jeff’s place with Niall and the other guys, because he can imagine what a party they’ll throw.

            They drive together to Louis’ house and when they get there the whole family is waiting. Aiden’s gonna spend four days there with them until Louis’ birthday and then go to Liverpool to stay with his family.

            “Finally!” Fizzy kind of screams when she opens the door and sees them getting out of the car. Louis smiles instantly, he’s missed his family.

            “Hey, Fizz”, he says and trots towards her, hugging the girl and burying his face in her hair.

            “Fizzy, hi”, Aiden comes behind him and waves with a smile on his face.

            “Hi, Aiden!” She smiles. “C’mon, let’s go in, mom’s making lunch!” His sister says and helps him carry his suitcase – not that it’s needed, but Félicité’s always been the helpful one in the family, even when she was a kid. Jay even joked and said she was Harry’s sister instead, because he’s a people pleaser himself. Louis can’t help but think that maybe she _did_ get it from him, they used to spend too much time together, since Harry was always the first one to volunteer and watch the girls so Johanna could go on date nights, even if that meant he and Louis had to skip a date night themselves – Louis loved him even more in that moment.

            He isn’t even thinking about Harry because they’re back in each other’s lives. Like it’s been previously established, there isn’t a day when Louis comes back to Doncaster in which he doesn’t think about everything they went through – not even romantically speaking, just… Being. Louis had an amazing childhood and his teenage years were incredible and it’s all thanks to that curly human being.

            Before entering the house, he stops and stares at Harry’s old one – like always. And, like always, Aiden pretends he doesn’t know – but he does, Louis told him when they were still just friends, a long time a go – and goes inside with Fizzy before Louis himself.

 

            “I’m so glad you’re home, boo”, his mother says right after dinner when they’re all sitting together in the living room and Aiden’s in the shower.

            “I’m glad to be home, mom”, he smiles back and caresses Doris’ hair, because she has her head rested on his lap.

            Both her and Ernest, who is in lying on Dan’s lap, are really sleepy, but refuse to go to bed before Louis calls it a night as well, which he’ll do as soon as his fiancé finishes cleaning himself up. Until then, though, he deals with questions from his older sisters and grills them about boys as well. Fizzy’s got a crush and Lottie’s been in a relationship for a while and confesses they’ve just recently exchanged I love yous.

            “D’you remember the first time you said it, Lou?” Charlotte asks, a different kind of spark in her eyes.

            Here, at the Tomlinson family, they’re really open with each other; they truly trust each other. They tell each other everything within its limits.

            “I do”, he says.

            “How old were you?” She presses. “Because I sometimes feel like I’m too young?”

            “Babe, we’ve talked about this, it’s just- love”, Jay says smiling. “It’s actually quite cute. And you’re twenty one; I think you know what your emotions mean”, she completes.

            “And you’re way older than I was when I first said it”, Louis points and she waits. “I was seventeen”, he chuckles. “Well, eighteen. But I was sure of it when I was seventeen.”

            “That’s way too young”, Fizzy offers.

            “Wasn’t any less true or valid”, he shrugs and Jay nods agreeing.

            “It also ended.”

            “Not because I stopped loving him, though”, he says and then realizes what just came out of his mouth. Everyone’s staring in silence. “I mean—we still loved each other, he just happened to have to leave.” He tries and corrects himself.

            “D’you think you’d still be together if he hadn’t left then?” Lottie asks.

            “There’s no way for me to know.”

            “They definitely would.”

            He and his mother say at the same time.

            “Mom.”

            “You would, Louis. Trust me. You and that boy were made for each other”, she smiles kindly.

            “I think so too”, Aiden comes into the living room. Not awkward at all. “Babe, d’you mind if I go to bed earlier? Jetlag’s killing me”, he then says only to Louis.

            “No, not at all, I’m going too”, he says and yawns, “but first I’m putting these little ones to sleep, c’mon, chop chop”, he smiles fondly at his little sisters.

            “I’ll help you”, Phoebe speaks for the first time since they sat there. She and Daisy are way quieter than he remembers. It might be the teenage hormones, or they’re just more observant, like Mark is. Maybe they got it from their dad.

            Together they put the kids to bed and then the older twins humor him and let him take them to their own bedroom, turning off the lights after kissing each one of them on the forehead.

            Louis reaches the kitchen to say goodnight to his mother and Dan, noticing that both Fizzy and Lottie are together on the couch watching _Notting Hill_. If he weren’t so sleepy he’d probably sit and watch it with them, but he truly needs to hit the mattress right now.

            “Hey, I’m going to sleep”, he tells them. “Night, mum”, he says and hugs her. “It really is nice to be back.”

            “It’s nice to have you here too, Lou”, she smiles. “D’you really like California?”

            “I do”, he doesn’t even think when he answers, and that’s—good. He wasn’t convinced he would like LA at all when he left the UK six months ago, but now he finds himself eager to go back.

            “I’m glad then”, Jay smiles.

            “Night, Lou”, Dan says and pats him on the back.

            “Night, Dan”, he smiles at them both and makes his way upstairs. Aiden’s already asleep when he gets to the room, so he goes over to the window and looks across the street at that house one more time, wondering when it’d stop meaning what it does, wondering when he’ll stop being nostalgic, wondering when or if he will ever stop thinking about his time with Harry as the best time of his life and everything that came after was just so he could compare and remember that to _once I was the happiest person alive_.

            Wondering if what he’s dealing with right now is just a memory, or if it’s something stronger, more present. Wondering, _just_ wondering, if that house and the person who lived in there were truly just a phase, just the past. Wondering if Harry, who is probably in a club in LA right now having the time of his life, is having the same mixed feelings. Wondering if he’s as scared as Louis is right now and if that’s the reason he backed away from him, from their recently rebuilt friendship.

            Doing what he’s been doing best these past few months, Louis buries whatever doubts he’s having and closes the curtains, lying by Aiden’s side and inhaling deeply, waiting for sleep to take him over.

 

 

_“It’s hard to admit that everything just takes me back to when you were there._

_And a part of me keeps holding on, just in case it hasn’t gone._

_I guess I still care. Do you still care?”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> All the love, M.


	4. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few perks of getting sick and not being able to do much, and one of them is: I wrote lots and lots these past few days. PLUS, there's this amazing girl called [Ariannia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ariannia) who's always super fast betaing the chapters. She's really incredible and I feel super lucky that one day she decided to help me after reading Young Gods! <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I can't believe it's almost over!

 

_“All we do is drive, all we do is think about the feelings that we hide; all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign, sick and full of pride.”_

           

            The best thing about this holiday for Louis is being able to sleep early and wake up late. Due to the traffic in Los Angeles, he’s always waking up at half past six just so he can get to the office at eight and it’s exhausting, especially because his body doesn’t let him fall asleep before midnight since he moved to California, no matter how much he tries. So you can imagine he’s a bit pissed off when on the morning of his damn birthday his phone is beeping nonstop on the side table. Granted, he could’ve silenced it, but he forgot – sue him.

            Aiden hums something along the lines of _turn it off_ in his neck and even though it’s probably really cold outside, Louis' skin is burning under the covers, so he scoots further away from him on the bed and stretches his arm so he can finally reach his phone, just so he’ll find a bunch of text messages from Harry.

            Quickly, he does the math and notices that if it’s two minutes past eight am in England, it’s two after midnight in Los Angeles, hence the dozens of _“happy birthday, Lou”_ messages coming from the other man; there are some uncharacteristic typos and Louis can tell Harry’s probably drinking. His suspicions are confirmed when his phone rings at eight-o-five and he picks it up before his fiancé complains again.

            “ _Loueeeeh”_ , Harry says loudly. There’s background noise, but it doesn’t seem like a nightclub, more of a house party kind of thing.

            “Morning”, he says hoarsely.

            _“You’ve just turned twenty nine in LA!”_ he says gleefully. _“Are you happy? Probably not, you’re one year closer to thirty!”_ Louis cringes at that. _“I am, though. It’s been eight years since I was able to wish you a happy birthday, Lou. You only picked up that first time--- d’you remember, Lou? And then the next year you ignored me—but it’s fine, Lou, because I get to wish you a happy birthday again, so happy birthday, Lou.”_

There were many “ _Lous_ ” in one sentence, but Louis doesn’t really mind, because his eyes are watering and he’s not sure if this is a good or bad reaction, he just knows he’s already overwhelmed and he hasn’t even left bed yet.

            “Thanks, Hazz”, he replies smiling without even noticing. “And I- uhn- I remember. I’m sorry about that. I’m glad you get to wish me a happy birthday too”, Louis tells him truthfully.

            _I’ve missed you. I’m missing you now_. Ok. _What_? He’s having an internal battle. Fuck Harry and his morning birthday call.

            _“Yeah?”_ Harry asks and he hums in agreement. _“Gemma says happy birthday, too—she’s in town and very sad you’re not here, so am I. Oops, that was weird, shouldn’t have come out-”_ , the other man laughs bashfully. Louis can picture what his face looks like at the moment and he can see Gemma rolling her eyes like it’s been days and not almost a decade since he last saw her personally.

            “How long’s she’s staying?” Louis then asks.

            “ _Till the sixth.”_

“I’ll be there on the fourth, she’d better save the date to see me on the fifth.”

            “ _She says ‘will do, jerk’—she says a bunch of American slangs now.”_

“So do we”, he chuckles, “this country’s ruining us.”

            _“Nah—we’re still good, I think”,_ Louis can feel Harry smiling. This is bad, isn’t it? Knowing how the other person looks exactly like depending on what they’re saying even though you cannot see them? They used to be like this. Are they starting to be like this again? _“Hey, Louis, I gotta go- Gemma’s requiring more shots with me- she’s just had a bad break up.”_

            “Oh. I’m sorry for her. Tell her I’ll be available for drinks too.”

            “ _Will do—happy birthday again!_ ”, Harry says seriously for the first time. _“Sorry we haven’t been speaking properly- I was just being an idiot.”_

“I was an idiot first, H”, he chuckles. “It’s okay. Thank you. It means a lot that you called, you’re actually the first person to wish me happy birthday this year—slept before midnight.”

            _“If I’d known I would’ve called midnight your time then”_ , Harry tells him. _“Would’ve woken you up!”_

            “You woke me up anyway at eight in the fucking morning on Christmas Eve.”

Harry used to wake him up at _seven_ every December twenty-fifth, but he knew it was a must for Louis to only leave bed after eleven on the day of his birthday.

            _“You don’t sound mad, though.”_

            “’M not, ‘m happy”, Louis confesses.

            _“Good. You deserve the world, Lou. I hope you get it.”_ And his voice gets deeper somehow when he says that, which does—things to Louis’s heart. So he decides it’s time to end the call, especially because he feels someone – Aiden, his fiancé, the guy he’s in bed with and is going to get married to – moving around and stirring awake.

            “Bye, H”, he kind of whispers and then Harry is gone.

            “Harry?” Aiden asks and Louis turns to him, his eyes aren’t even open yet, his voice sounds weird; not _I’ve just woken up weird_ , but _possessive weird_. Louis never likes when _Aiden_ acts possessive with him.

            “Yeah, ‘s midnight in LA, called to wish me a happy birthday”, Louis goes for nonchalance and places his phone on his bedside table, turning on the bed and resting his back on the headboard, knowing he won’t sleep again.

            “Great”, he says.

            “Hey”, Louis frowns and touches his arm. “Good morning.”

            “Morning, Louis”, Aiden opens his eyes and smile. “Wish I’d been the one to wish you your first happy birthday today”, he sounds frustrated but not in a cute way.

            “You can wish me my second happy birthday”, he tries with a small smile on his lips.

            “Will have to do, won’t it?” He says and sits up too. “Happy birthday, babe”, Aiden smiles and kisses him on the cheek, then on his forehead and then presses a close mouthed kiss to his lips. (Out of the blue Louis remembers blowjobs and green eyes and hot touches on the morning of his nineteenth birthday and locks them again when he realizes who he was thinking about while his fiancé’s lips were on his. Fuck.)

            “Thanks”, he says and receives one of those sneers he hates so much.

            Louis says he’s going to shower and go downstairs to have breakfast with his family that is already probably awake and Aiden can join him if his mood improves; Aiden pretends he’s not pissed and Louis pretends he doesn’t know he is pretending, so he just rolls his eyes and gets out of bed.

            When Aiden joins them for breakfast, he hands Louis his birthday present – tickets for them to go to Broadway to watch the new Neil Patrick Harris musical Louis’ been talking about nonstop for the past month. From then on, though, the day goes downhill.

 

            He deals with Aiden’s passive-aggressiveness all day until he decides he doesn’t have to – it’s his fucking birthday. He is playing football – indoors and without Jay knowing – with Ernest when he decides that if he’s gonna be sore all day, because Harry called him at eight in the morning, he doesn’t need to wait for Jay to come back with the cake, he can take the road to his hometown right now. Needless to say, Aiden doesn’t react very well.

            “It’s good to know how wanted I am here”, he snorts and turns off the TV, ruffling Doris hair when she complains; he then turns it on again and puts on a cartoon for her.

            They’re with the smaller twins whilst the rest of the girls, Dan and his mother are out to get Louis a cake – and some other things. It’s never _just_ a cake with Johanna.

            “You are, babe, but not when you’re being jealous of a person who is thousands of miles away and only called me to wish me a happy birthday”, Louis explains as calmly as he can, passing the small ball back to his brother.

            “For the first time. In almost ten years.”

            Louis wants to say Harry actually called other times and he didn’t pick up because he was too much of an asshole, but he settles for:

            “We’re back in each other’s lives, it’d be weird if he didn’t”, he shrugs.

            “I don’t get why you spent so long without talking to each other if it weren’t a bad break up, and I don’t get how you act like it was eight days and not almost nine years that have passed, how easily you’re as close now as you say you once were…”

            “Ok, first- we didn’t continue speaking because of me, it was my fault and I’ve told you that and we’re not as nearly as close as we used to be and _don’t_ think I’m talking about a relationship here, Aiden”, he tells him.

            “ _Why_ because of you?”

            “BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FORGET HIM”, he screams and realizes he’s just startled the kids. “Sorry”, he apologizes to everyone. “I was hurting too much when he left and he was my person and had just moved across the world—I was hurting and I didn’t want to keep talking to him; it was selfish, but it worked. I got over it, so, yeah. Don’t be jealous of a memory. We’re nothing like we used to be.”

            “Well, I’m sorry”, his fiancé says. “It can’t have been easy for you, I’ve had my fair share of bad break-ups. But it hasn’t been a walk in the park for me either, especially after—you know what, Lou? It’s your birthday. Let’s just let this go, yeah?” He takes a deep breath.

            “Thanks.”

            “I’m just- gonna head home anyways, it’s getting late and I wanna spend Christmas morning with my parents so we- we’ll talk, yeah?” He says getting up.

            “You sure?” Louis asks not so sure whether they’re on good terms.

            “Yeah… We’ll talk.”

            “Okay, then”, Louis agrees with him and tells Ernie they need to stop playing for a while to say goodbye to Aiden. Both twins hug him and kiss him on the cheek before he goes. Louis hugs him tightly and kisses him square on the mouth.

            Aiden assures him he’ll call as soon as he gets there and Louis promises they’ll talk tomorrow too, when he calls to wish his family a Merry Christmas.

            Jay gets home by eight and is only half surprised that her son-in-law to be isn’t there anymore. She gives Louis a pointed look that means they will talk as soon as they have alone time and _he_ isn’t surprised at all by that. He knows how much his mother wants to question the hell out of him about the last six months of his life in a way that wasn’t possible with Aiden around him.

            They all eat and sing happy birthday together and the best part about having a big family is that they don’t need to invite anyone else in order to have a big party. Ernest and Doris make him drawings, the other set of twins give him a scrapbook ( _only open it when you’re feeling sad, so you can be happy again!_ ), Fizzy gives him a TopMan sweater and _be happy about it cause I bought it with my own money, you twat_ and Lottie gets him a new Doncaster Rovers shirt.

            “We didn’t really know what to get you—” Dan says when they’re sitting around the living room.           

            “You guys don’t need to get me anything”, he rolls his eyes. Louis is a big boy, it’s been a long time since presents were a must for him.

            “- but”, his step father says, “we thought you’d like something music related so we kinda sent a piano to your office…?” Dan finishes and Jay smiles.

            “You did _what_? Are you insane?” Louis asks. He hasn’t played in forever.

            “Oh, boo, your room seemed too big in the pictures you sent me and there was something missing there- you were great at playing, and you work with music now. Nothing more fitting.”

            “A piano is fucking expensive, mother- it’s—too much.”

            “It’s not”, Dan says, his left hand squeezing Jay’s shoulder because she looks so proud of their present. “It’s not too much and we- we have the money, yeah? Just accept it, you tosser.”

            “I- wow. Thanks guys”, he smiles and gets up to hug them. “Thank you so much.”

 

            Louis helps Lottie clean up the kitchen while his mother and Dan put the kids to bed and the other girls tidy up the living room, and she tells him more about what’s going on in her life and her plans for the future. She’s almost done with uni now and her mid-terms were a bitch according to her, she really is ready to move on.

            They’ve always been really close and it’s nice to know nothing’s changed just because he moved away as well. Louis tells her he’ll support her no matter what when she says she wants to go live in London, and promises Jay won’t feel too much since she’s been away for a while now at Manchester University.

            “You just gotta make sure to visit all the time”, he advises.

            “Oh, like you do?” Lottie arches a brow.

            “Been working my ass off, Lots”, he breathes out. “And it’s only been six months; Aiden and I were still adjusting.”

 

            And they keep talking. She makes tea and the other girls join them and they end up playing cards on the kitchen table. When Jay gets to the kitchen, though, at around ten thirty, they all make excuses to go to their rooms, and Louis only doesn’t laugh because his mother doesn’t give him time to, urging him back to the living room and making him sit on the couch.

            “Just one sec”, she says and comes back with her phone, opening Facebook by his side. Louis doesn’t understand anything until he sees Anne’s profile picture on the screen and his mother clicking on the inbox message to open it.

            **_Harry’s so happy he’s here, it’s unreal. I look at them and I just- Harry’s got a girlfriend and Louis has a fiancé and I’m the mother stuck in time, because I can’t handle it_** _–_ Anne’s message reads alongside a crying emoji. His own mother replied laughing and saying she would have a hard time too if she were Anne, that she still does whenever she’s a bit nostalgic and stares at their old house thinking about when they were all younger.

            “It’s not just you, baby”, Jay says.

            “What?”

            “That looks at that house thinking about a happier time in your life”, he is about to protest when she speaks up again. “You’re not fooling anyone but yourself, Louis, just stop.”

            “ _What?_ ” He asks again.

            “ _Not because I stopped loving him_ ”, his mother makes an impression of him a couple of nights ago. “Honestly, Louis?”

            “Are you- are you _annoyed_?” Louis asks and laughs.

            “I am, because you’re being daft and no son of mine is daft”, she chuckles. “It’s okay to admit seeing Harry makes you rethink your entire life.”

            “It doesn’t.” She doesn’t seem convinced. _“It doesn’t_ ”, he repeats. “I miss the old days, yeah, but I’m also happy now. I don’t feel for this Harry, mum.”

            “Lou…” Jay starts but he gives her a _don’t patronize me_ look. His mother sighs and gets up. “Okay, Louis… I just hope you don’t fall apart when you realize that this Harry and that Harry”, she points in the general direction of the house, “are the same person.”

           

            By the time New Year’s rolls around and Louis is kissing Aiden as the fireworks explode in the sky, he doesn’t know anything anymore.

 

-

 

            Coming back to Los Angeles is a weird experience. Louis has never been one to think of anywhere but Doncaster as _home_ , but somehow, as they land at LAX he’s pretty sure he’s where he’s supposed to be and as they make their way to their flat, Louis watches the city pass by with a small smile on his face, glad that he’s, well, home.

 

            “I missed it here”, he tells Aiden when they’re unpacking.

            “Really?” His fiancé looks at him surprised.

            “You didn’t?”

            “It’s all right, I suppose… I like the US just fine, but I had missed home.”

            “We can always visit on your birthday again—I’m sure they won’t mind giving us a few days off”, Louis offers. Aiden’s birthday is in April, around Easter, and he quickly thinks that maybe they can amend holidays.

 

            Speaking of birthdays, Harry’s is in February, and when January comes to an end, everyone’s invited to a get together at his flat, where Ed will be playing a set of five songs just so people can know, for sure, he’s with this company now. (Plus, he and Harry have become really close the past couple of months and are really good friends now.)

            Since the holidays, Aiden hasn’t spoken to Harry or about him much and Louis respects it, rarely mentions his name unless it’s all about work. When he met Gemma in January and told him, Aiden really didn’t like it, and in order not to tell him to fuck off, Louis just stopped trying to make him understand that he didn’t have any reason to be jealous.    

 

            “That’s what you think, mate”, Zayn said once, on a particular night in which Louis was too pissed off to go home and accompanied him to the studio.

            “What do you mean?” He asked, Liam also paying attention to the conversation.

            “He was okay with knowing you had an ex that you’d been in love with, as long as it was a ghost ex… Now he knows Harry’s a real person and- well, a fucking _fit_ real person, who is also smart, nice, rich as fuck and—”

            “I get it, Zayn”, he responded.

            “Also-”, Liam offered, “you and Harry have unfinished business, since you never really, like, broke up. Properly. I don’t know.”

            “I don’t want to talk about it anymore”, Louis said and that was it. Zayn resumed recording and Liam went back to touching different buttons as he did so and Louis… Louis slept on the couch till four in the morning, when Zayn woke him up and drove him to his own place.

 

            Things were okay the next day and they continued being okay until today. The first of February. Harry’s turning twenty seven and it’s been officially nine years since he last called Harry his boyfriend. He doesn’t think about it when he knocks on his door with a small box in hands and an uncertain smile tugging on his lips.

            “Hey, birthday boy. Man?” He frowns and Harry smiles.

            “Hey, Lou.”

            “You busy?”

            “A bit, you can come in, though…” He says and takes his eyes off of the computer screen.

            “You shouldn’t be working on your birthday, you know? Why are you even here?”

            “Everyone I’m going to celebrate my birthday with is here… Gemma’s at my flat organizing stuff and mum and Robin only get here two hours before the party so- yeah.”

            “They’re coming?” Louis’ eyes light up without his consent.

            “Yeah…”

            “Nice”, he says and shifts his weight from one foot to another; he tends to do that when he’s uncomfortable. “Look, H- I—I got you this a long time ago, yeah?” He says showing him what’s in his hands. “And I hadn’t even noticed I had brought it with me back from the holidays, but I found it and- well, I was supposed to give it to you on your nineteenth birthday, but we—we never got to that, so-- and I think your nineteen year old self would’ve been much more impressed with it than now, since you know many people and probably even know _him_ , but- it was always meant to be yours.”

            Louis knows he talks too much when he’s nervous. Hell, the talks too much normally, let alone now that he has no idea of why he’s doing this. Apparently, Harry doesn’t either. He takes the box from Louis’ hand and opens it without saying a word.

            It’s nothing much, is the truth. Nine years ago it would’ve been. Nine years ago Harry still had David Beckham’s poster up his bedroom wall and would’ve creamed himself with what’s in his hand right now, which is a framed autograph, especially for him, from the man himself, wishing _Curly_ a happy birthday.

            It wasn’t easy for Louis to get it, especially because he needed to ask Mark of all people for help. Back then he could barely see him without remembering all the times he blamed Louis’s _gayness_ for his relationship with Jay to have gone downhill, but he was the one who had the access he needed and was going through a “I’m sorry I was such an ass, I want to reconnect with you” phase, so Louis made the effort and spent an entire day with him, just so he could convince Mark to do his for Harry.

            Harry’s eyes are watery when he raises his head and looks into Louis’ eyes, much like he’s trying to read his soul. _Ha, good luck with that_.

            “You can’t do this to me, Louis”, he says with pleading eyes and quivering lips.

            “Do what, H?”

            “This”, he points to the picture-frame. “You can’t—” he takes a deep breath. “I loved it. This version of me loves it, every version of me loves it, but this- _this_ is torture, okay?”

            “I don’t—”

            “Get it, yeah. Me neither”, he smiles weakly. “Thank you”, he then says.

            “You’re welcome.”

            They’re suspended in time for at least one minute before Harry says _I should get back to work, see you tonight_ and turns back to his table, not glancing at Louis again. Okay. Although confused, there’s a feeling of _mission accomplished_ when he leaves Harry’s room and goes to his own office to handle the details of Zayn’s upcoming tour.

 

            The night comes faster than he imagined it would and when Aiden knocks on his door to tell him it’s time to leave, he grabs his coat and heads towards the parking lot hand in hand with him, listening animatedly to him while he laughs telling a story about one of his co-workers earlier today.

            “What time are we supposed to be at Harry’s?” Aiden carefully asks.

            “Eight-ish.”

            “I’m drinking today”, he says and Louis is fine with it, he wasn’t planning on getting drunk anyway and later he figures Aiden actually _needs to_ so he’ll get through the night.

 

            Louis was only once at Harry’s flat, but he remembers his way there and while he drives without needing a GPS, his mind goes through all the possible scenarios of the night, and they all end up with him feeling strangely happy. Once he sets foot into his boss’s, old best friend, former boyfriend’s home, he feels warm and like he _fits_.

            Robin is the first one to spot him and Louis sees him instantly too. He’s talking to Niall and Gemma and turns his head to the direction of the hall and smiles wide, speaking _Louis, son_ loud enough that he hears it through the music.

            “Who’s that?” Aiden asks in his ear when Louis pulls him towards him. Gemma and Niall going somewhere else.

            “Harry’s stepdad”, he answers right before they arrive. “Robin!” He smiles and hugs him tight. “God, it’s been so long”, he says. “How have you been?”

            “Great, great! God, they told me you still looked the same but you don’t- you’re more handsome”, Robin smiles kindly patting him on the shoulder. “Thirty’s treating you well.”

            “ _Don’t_ remind me of my old age—and I’m not thirty yet”, he rolls his eyes. And it’s weird for him to say that, because Robin himself still looks like he did ten years ago too. The same kindness in his eyes, the same smile on his face, like he’s in on a joke everybody else is still trying to understand. Louis has always liked him a lot.

            “Still having a Peter Pan crisis?” He jokes.

            “It appears so”, he agrees. “Oh, this is Aiden, my- my fiancé.” He remembers to introduce him then. “This is Robin, Harry’s stepdad.”

            “And Louis’s adopted one”, he smiles and shakes his hand.

            “Nice to meet you. Louis’s?” Aiden frowns in interest.

            “I’m pretty sure at some point Louis lived with us.”

            “It’s not because I was there almost every night when I was fourteen and went on every family trip that I was _family_ ”, Louis only jokes and rolls his eyes again, but he’s endeared, really.

            “You were there almost every night way before and way after you were fourteen”, Robin chuckles. “And you’ve always been family. It’s good to see you, Louis."

            “Good to see you too”, he smiles. “We’re gonna walk around and say hi to people.”

            Robin nods and walks away as well, towards where Harry is and says something in his ear. Louis finds Anne talking with Liam and Gemma, and introduces the latter to Aiden too. He manages to smile, and Louis wants to ask what is wrong, but he refrains from it. By the time they get to Harry, just to say hi, since Louis has already wished him a happy birthday, Aiden’s on his second beer, while Louis hasn’t even drunk soda.

            The night is pleasant, to say the least. Louis truly feels good around these people and when he meets Robin again, he joins him and Niall to talk about _football_ – true _European_ football – and loses track of time. Harry joins them for a while, but leaves when his sister calls him for pictures. There are a few people Louis has never met at this party, and he spends the entire night looking for Xander and doesn’t find him – ridiculously, he counts it as a win.

           

            At ten thirty, Jeff announces that Ed will play a few acoustic songs, some of his most famous ones, and they all gather in Harry’s big living room with glasses in hands and smiles on their faces. Louis joins Aiden again and sits by his side on the armrest of one of the sofas.

            “You good?” He asks.

            “Peachy!” Is what he replies. It’s ironic and consequently Louis doesn’t believe him at all, but he also doesn’t see a reason why he’d be so pissed if he seemed to be having fun talking to other guests, so he settles for asking it later, when they’re at home, and turns to pay attention to where Ed’s sitting.

            Harry’s close by hugging his mother and Gemma at the same time and Louis can’t help but smile.

            Ed starts with Lego House and Louis remembers exactly the first time he watched that music video. It was also when he started being a fan. He quietly sings along and realizes some other people are doing it too. Louis loses himself in the music and when he announces the last song he catches himself wanting more. Gladly, he is his _manager_ now; he’ll be able to watch each and every concert when his schedule with Zayn’s stuff allows him to. The last one is also his favorite, and up until now, Louis hadn’t realized why.

            But then Ed sings _oh you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen, next to your heartbeat where I should be, keep it deep within your soul_ , and his eyes fly to Harry immediately. And. Harry is clutching something really hard in his hand, close to his chest and- it can’t be.

            Up until now Louis has vaguely noticed that Harry carries something around his neck, it doesn’t matter what kind of clothes he's wearing, but he never thought, would never think that-- that it was… _Oh_. Harry catches his eyes across the room and it’s super strange because no one has noticed, except for the both of them, how _heavy_ everything’s just gotten. Harry then opens his hand and Louis doesn’t need to see it perfectly to know it’s the silver paper airplane pendant he got Harry on his sixteenth birthday.

            Automatically he runs his fingers through his own paper airplane, inked on his arm and- _that’s_ why he got it. It makes Louis wonder how many unconscious things he did because of Harry. It’s a hard thing to admit or even believe in.

            Harry hides his face on the crook of Gemma’s neck and Louis is pulled out of his trance when people start singing along to the last words. _When I’m away, I will remember how you kissed me under the lamppost back on Sixth Street, hearing you whisper through the phone: “wait for me to come home”._

            Ed sings _wait for me to come home_ a couple more times and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe, so he excuses himself before Ed finishes, heading to the bathroom and staying in there until he’s sure his head’s back in the present, until he’s sure he won’t break down as soon as he looks into Harry’s face again.

            He gets back to the room and Aiden’s alone, drinking a red thing that Louis doesn’t know the name of nor has any idea as to what it contains.

            “Are you okay?” He asks him.     

            “I’m incredible, Louis!” He says loudly. “What about you, are you happy? I’m sure you are.”

            “I am happy, thank you, although I don’t understand your tone”, he replies. “You sure everything’s fine? You look- weird.”

            “Go enjoy the party, yeah?” He says then. “And when you finish falling in love with your ex again, come pick me up so we can go home. I’ll be here drinking.”

            “I- what?” He frowns. “Aiden, what are you-”

            “Are you ready to leave then?” He cuts him off and downs everything in his glass in one gulp.

            “Yeah, I think I am”, he says not believing what is happening right now. “I’m just gonna…  I’m gonna say bye to people.”

            And by _people_ he means Harry’s family and whoever he finds in the way. Anne tries to make him stay but Harry doesn’t put in any effort; at least he seems to understand without Louis needing to say a word. Thank God they can still do that.

            The last person he talks to briefly is Glenne, because that’s who Aiden’s talking to when he comes to pick him up and tell him he’s ready to leave. They politely say goodbye to her and wave to Jeff and make their way to the lifts. Aiden tries to start a conversation in the car, but Louis says they’ll only talk when they get home, because he has that weird feeling they’re gonna fight, and he’s not about to do that while he’s driving.

            He and Aiden have never fought much, that’s the truth, but when they did, even in uni, it was never pretty and one of them always talked about breaking up whenever that happened. He likes to think they’ve gotten more mature over time, but he’s also underestimating Aiden’s capacity go get pissed off and jealous. Louis doesn’t know it yet, but his fiancé is right.

 

            It’s when they arrive at their flat that everything goes downhill. And actually, looking back, Louis doesn’t even remember _climbing_ a damn hill to fall down, but that’s exactly what happens: he realizes he’s on a free fall, face forward to the ground, when the first thing Aiden says is _you_ _‘re sleeping on the couch_.

            “I- wow, okay, let’s talk.” He says and leaves the keys on the coffee table, not even bothering to make it to the bedroom or undressing. He just wants to know. “C’mon, just get it out of your chest since you’re acting like a lunatic.”

            “ME?” Aiden kind of screams and points to himself. He then continues on a normal voice. _“God, Louis, how can you be so thick? And blind?_ Do you think I’m acting all crazy, jealous and possessive over nothing? Do you really, really think I have _no reason whatsoever_ to be pissed off with you? With this whole situation?”

            Louis opens his mouth to reply, but isn’t allowed to. Aiden keeps talking.

            “We’ve been together for years, Louis, _years_ , and I like to think I know you. I know what you look like when you’re angry and when you’re sad. I know what you look like when you’re confused or just tired. I know what you look like when you’re really happy and most of all… I like to think I know what you look like when you’re falling in love. I like to think I’ve seen this look before—when you fell for me.” Aiden says with a sad tone to his voice.

            “Of course you know me…” Louis tells him, because he does know him.

            Maybe not deeply, maybe not completely, but Aiden’s learned whatever Louis let him, he knows everything Louis has ever allowed him to.

            “And that’s why it’s so, so difficult to see it again when it’s clearly not me you’re falling for anymore.”

            “Babe, what-?”

            “Don’t _babe_ me, Lou.” He says and steps away from him. “The saddest part is that you really don’t know, and I, of all people, have to be the one to tell you. And I’ve done some hard things in life, you know?” Louis nods quietly. “I’ve gone through some hard stuff with you—especially during the last seven months, but even before that…” He trails. “Did you know you used to ask me about memories we never had? Actually, scratch that, you still do it. You did it when we were shopping before Christmas. And d’you know what I’ve come to realize after going through your iPod the other day?”

            “What?” Louis asks in a small voice. He’s feeling very small.

            “That your favorite songs are nostalgic.”

            “What’s wrong with that?”

            “Not wrong, weird. The lyrics you relate to the most in the world talk about a lost lover, a happier time, a past you wish you could go back to…” Aiden explains. “A person’s taste in music says a lot about them.”

            “It doesn’t _mean_ anything”, Louis says not knowing which one of them he’s trying to convince the most. “You’re drunk, A. Things are twisted in your mind.” He tries to reason.

            “Oh, Lou… _Lou, Lou, Lou…_ ” He repeats the words while he nervously runs his fingers through his hair. “I wasn’t drunk when you hugged him that first day like you were breathing for the first time in a long time. I’d never seen you so relaxed. Neither was I drunk at that party when you flipped because he was with some other guy.” Once again, Louis tries to interrupt.

            Aiden doesn’t let him.

            “I wasn’t drunk when we got to your house and your mom treated me like a phase that should’ve ended by n-”

            “She never—”

            “She _always_ did, Louis, but she couldn’t realize it either, because Jay’s lovely, and because she tried to convince herself I was the one for you. This last time though… I found _myself_ doing the same damn thing… And what kind of fiancé needs convincing that he’s the right person to marry the man who said yes to him?”

            “You _are_ , Aiden, I don’t know why-”

            “Am I, Louis? Really?” Aiden sounds annoyed and hurt and Louis doesn’t know what to do to make it stop. “Tell me that you’re at least a _bit_ confused, I’m begging you! Admit to _yourself_ and to _me_ that you’re not sure of us anymore.” He pleads and sits on the armchair, elbows on his knees. “Today was the hardest day”, Aiden confesses speaking even lower.

            Louis can’t move from his spot on the carpet, in the middle of their living room.

            “Talk to me about it”, Louis asks worriedly. He hates that he’s made himself so oblivious through all of this.

            “I’ve never wondered why you didn’t want to spend important dates at my parents’, you know? I would always tell myself that it was okay, because you love your mom and siblings so much that you just wanted to spend time with them – and I was never mad or anything, because we didn’t have to spend every second of every free day together.

            I’ve never pushed you, I’ve never tried to make you different, I’ve never made you endure my parents for more than just a dinner, ‘cause I know they can be a handful sometimes… So you can imagine my surprise when Harry’s _stepfather_ started talking about you practically living with them and all the family trips and… Even before that, when I met his mother in your office and I saw you looking at her almost the same way you look at Jay. You hugged his damn sister like she was Charlotte and I _wish_ we could get past this, but I… I can’t love you for the both of us, Lou. Even if I love you a whole lot.”

            “I love you too”, Louis rushes to say, mostly out of reflex and maybe guilt. Oh, fuck. “ _Of course I do_ , A, I’m living with you, we’re engaged, I- I’m sorry this situation is so hard on you and I’m sorry I do nothing to make it better…” He kneels by his side. “I’ll try to make it better. I’ll _be_ better.” Louis promises. “Babe.” He calls and raises his hand to Aiden’s cheek. He goes pliant instantly, closes his eyes and lets the tears escape.

            _What the fuck is Louis doing to him?_

            “Tell me how to make it better. We can- we can move again, if you want, we can…”

            “Oh, but don’t you see it, Louis? I could never take you away from here. I’m quite fond of LA, but it’s- it’s your home.” _He’s your home_ is implied and Louis refuses to accept it.

            He’s not stupid, he just… He can’t _believe_ things changed so much in less than a year. He can’t believe he barely even noticed when it was under his nose the entire fucking time.

            He sighs heavily and sits on the floor.

            “Let me go to sleep, Louis”, Aiden says and then takes a deep breath before getting up. “You take the couch… And tomorrow, after I nurse my hangover, we can discuss if- if this…” He gestures his hands between them. “… If we’re worth saving.”

            “I-”

            “Goodnight, Lou”, he says tiredly and kisses his cheek before disappearing into the flat.

            “Night”, Louis murmurs to no one in particular.

 

            And so he thinks. He thinks and then he thinks some more; he retraces his steps and his actions and he can’t pinpoint when exactly he started thinking about Harry, again, as not only the person who put the stars in the sky, but also the one who made them extra bright on summer nights.

            He thinks until he’s pacing again, walking in circles around the kitchen table; he thinks until he feels like he’s about to explode.

            Suddenly he’s so angry he can’t _think_ anymore. He’s angry with Aiden, he’s angry with himself, he’s angry with _Harry_ and he’s angry with the whole fucking universe for making things the way they are.

            Louis does _everything_ _but_ _think_ when he storms out of his house grabbing his phone, wallet and car keys, driving back to Culver City where Harry’s flat is located. He knows, he _knows_ he shouldn’t be doing this. But he needs it. He’s so, so angry.

 

            In his defense, he sends a bunch of texts and voicemails – even though he shouldn’t – to warn Harry he’s coming, but when he gets there he needs to ring the doorbell fifty times and pounds on the door until Harry opens it. He isn’t even drunk but he could easily be with the way he’s acting right now.

            “I hate you _so. Fucking. Much_ ”, he says as soon as he sees Harry’s face.

            “Louis- what…?”

            His voice is hoarse and his hair is messy from sleep. His face is soft and lazy and he looks comfy in just his joggers like he’s just put them on to open the door. Louis wants to punch him, and, to Harry’s and his own surprise, he does. He pushes Harry into his hall and punches his chest once, twice, _three_ times until Harry reacts and grabs his wrists and starts talking, but Louis doesn’t want to hear anything.

            “YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING, HARRY, EVERYTHING. I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT, YOU KNOW? BUT YOU-”

            “Louis, _shut up_ ”, he hisses.

            “NO, I…”

            “ _Shut up”,_ Harry repeats getting way too close to his face. “My family’s asleep, it’s late. Do not wake them or my neighbors up. Give me five minutes. Do not move”, he says and then releases him, leaving Louis in the hallway and walking back into his room.

            Louis waits. In _less_ than five minutes Harry’s back wearing a hoodie and a beanie, phone in hands and walks towards the door, waiting for Louis to catch up. He wordlessly gets into the lift.

 

            “Drive us somewhere”, he says when they get downstairs and yawns at the same time.

            “Where’s the nearest beach?” Louis asks him, thinking it’s one of the places where they’ll be able to talk without anyone around.

            “Santa Monica, I guess.”

            He checks his phone right before he enters the car.

            “Google maps says it’s thirty minutes from here”, Louis whines.

            “Google knows shit. Drive fast and we can make it in fifteen- there’s no traffic, it’s four in the fucking morning”, Harry tells him and doesn’t meet his eyes, staring out at the window and rubbing his face with both hands.

            Louis doesn’t dare to turn on the radio even though they could cut the tension with a knife. Truth is he’s five minutes on the road when he starts feeling truly ashamed. He’s just _hit_ Harry, like, close-fisted and all. He screamed like a drunken teenager and he fucking _hit Harry_. HARRY. Louis is extremely fucked up, he notices.

            They arrive and walk silently side by side until they reach the sand. Harry goes a bit further and then turns around.

            “You wanted to scream at me. Well, go on then, scream at me”, he says with open arms.

            Louis just looks at him. This is _such_ a Harry thing to do. Such a _new Harry_ thing to do. Eighteen year old Harry would’ve taken Louis’ shit from a while ago and cried while he listened to everything. Eighteen year old Harry would’ve apologized even if it weren’t his fault. This Harry, though, this Harry knows Louis has got his own issues to sort out, sees it in his eyes that Louis needs to get stuff out of his chest before he’s able to think clearly again and allows him to do it.

            Actually, _that_ and _this_ Harry are too much alike – they just have different approaches. While one would’ve done everything in his power for Louis to stop yelling, this one wants him to scream more – but in the end, they both allow him to do what he’s gotta do. They are the same person, only older, more mature, _better_.

            Harry’s so much better now.

            Louis has always known he would become an incredible human being. From the start he just looked at him and saw every good thing that existed in this world because Harry was, is a compiled of everything _good_. He’s right here, right now, the same fucking person Louis has always loved, the same person Louis has never been able to truly forget; the same person that made him reconsider everything in his life all over again, even if he hadn’t realized it up until today.

            Louis is ashamed, because he doesn’t even know where to start. He shouldn’t be here; he should be at home, trying to sort things out with Aiden. He should be there, pleading for him to forgive him like he was hours ago. He shouldn’t be blaming Harry for whatever is wrong with him. And he wouldn’t be, if Harry weren’t the reason why it all started again.

            “You’re not talking”, Harry states. “Why aren’t you talking?” He asks. “You woke me up; you yelled at me; you punched me. Stop being a kid and start talking, Louis.”

            “I don’t know where to start.” He confesses.

            “What’s going on?” Harry asks again, tiredly, holding back his fifth yawn. He sits on the sand and waits for Louis to join him.

            It takes him a few seconds, but he walks towards the green eyed guy and lowers his body by his side.

            “I think Aiden broke up with me”, he says.

            “You think?”

            “He said we’ll talk tomorrow, but- I don’t think he- I. I don’t”… I don’t _know_ ”, Louis frowns and stares ahead. He can feel Harry’s eyes on him, but he knows that if he looks into them now, he’ll break down. It’s the effect he’s always had on him, why would it be different now?

            “I’m not a mind-reader, you know?”

            “Could’ve fooled me all those years ago…” Louis chuckles and Harry does the same. “See? _This_ right here is why my relationship is practically over. And I know it’s fifty-fifty, so of course I blame myself. But I blame you _so_ much as well.”

            “For what?”

            “For _us,_ Harry, what else?” He asks. “D’you know how long it took me to get over you?” He turns to him. “ _Years_ , Harry, I’m not even kidding. I slept around so much I was literally a whore, except I didn’t take money from people”, he scoffs and Harry flinches. “I tried for _so_ long to forget what it was like to have your skin on mine and your voice in my ear while I fucked other people that one day I succeeded.

            One day I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be touched by you or to hear you moan and I could barely feel you in me anymore. That day I _hated_ myself, because—because you were everything, _everything_ , and when you left there was absolutely _nothing_ , just that faint memory of us and I managed to erase it eventually.” Louis explains.

            “Then it took me months to stop hating myself…” He tells him. “And I met Aiden. He fell for me in a heartbeat, he says. He spent too much time trying to get me to go on a date with him and I only did it when I was absolutely sure I wasn’t gonna look for you in every single thing he did.”

            Harry listens attentively. One of the greatest things about Harry Styles is that he’ll never interrupt you with stupid comments when you’re telling him something serious. He’ll listen like it matters, like _you_ matter.

            “I fell in love with him on our six month anniversary while we were eating at a shitty diner because neither of us had the money to do anything special… We’ve been together for forever and when he asked me to marry him I was so glad that I could say yes without thinking of you. I mean, I did, a little…” He shrugs. “But it didn’t hurt, you know? Years had passed, after all, and I was… I was in a _good_ place.”

            “And then we saw each other again”, Harry finally completes.

            “And then we saw each other again”, Louis laughs weakly. “It’s _so_ confusing, because I’m not sure if I ever truly stopped being in love with you or if we just—if we’re…”

            “Falling for each other again.” Once more, he’s spot on.

            “This is messed up”, Louis says and averts Harry’s gaze. He stares at the ocean as if it’ll bring him an answer to a question he doesn’t even know how to ask. “Aiden says that—he says that- that seeing me with your family’s hard on him.”

            “I can understand that”, Harry says.

            “But it was, it _is_ amazing to me”, he whines. “I talked to Robin at your party and realized how much I missed him and don’t even get me started on your mom and Gems and—and on you”, Louis says.

            He brings his knees up and rests his chin on them, hugging his legs to try and make himself stay still. Harry’s hand finds his hair in a matter of seconds, and carefully runs his fingers through it.

            “It is very confusing for me too, Lou”, Harry whispers. “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and lately I haven’t even—I _don’t know_ how to react when you’re around anymore. You were the most important person in my life for such a long time and it kills me that you’re not anymore—when… When you could still be. Or, I don’t know, be again.”

            “We’re such different people, Harry”, Louis sighs.

            “And yet we still manage to fit.”

            “You still have the necklace”, he says.

            “You kept my nineteen birthday present for nine years”, Harry says back.

            “Fair enough”, Louis chuckles. “I quite like you, you know?” He looks intently at him. “Like, of course I like you, but I meant- I mean- how you’ve turned out. I’m proud of you.”

            “I quite like you too”, Harry says, a smile finally appearing on his lips. Louis loves to see him smiling; it’s one of his favorite looks on Harry. “I’m pretty certain that I like everything about you, just like I did before, because for the past few months I’ve been trying to, like, find reasons to talk myself out of wanting you and it’s so- _so hard._ ”

            “Harry.”

            “It’s my turn, Louis”, he tells him. “What you said before, about sleeping around?” Harry asks and Louis acknowledges. “I’m doing it now. Since I told you I wanted to get back to having sex with guys I’ve been— _around_. Except I’m not trying to forget what it’s like to be with you, cause God knows I can’t remember it anymore and it kills me every time”, he says, laughing humorlessly. “I’m trying to find something extraordinary, because even if I don’t remember exactly what or how it was like, I _know_ it was extraordinary. I haven’t been able to find it”, he says the last sentence lowering his voice and staring at him.

            The silence between them isn’t difficult anymore. It isn’t easy, it’s just- there. It’s allowing them to think for themselves and it’s allowing Louis to study every feature of Harry’s. It’s allowing him to take in his strong jawline and the curls on his nape Louis loves so much; the way he blinks twice quickly and then slower the third time and how he licks his lips at least once a minute, a sign he’s a bit nervous, but that makes him look even better.

            He takes in Harry’s eyes, darker at this time of the night, but still so, so bright. He looks shamelessly to his arms and his torso and then his hands that are rested on his thighs right now. _His thighs_. Strong and soft at the same time, milky. Louis loved leaving love bites all over them.

 

            “I’m sorry I acted like a lunatic at your door, you didn’t deserve that”, Louis says eventually.

            “You _are_ a lunatic, Lou”, Harry jokes. “It’s fine; got us here.”

            “’S not _fine_ , but- it will be, yeah?” He turns to him. “Tell me it’ll be fine.”

            “I don’t know”, Harry shrugs sincerely. “If you get back home and in the morning Aiden says he’ll stay with you, that you guys can fight whatever is happening, what will you say?” Louis opens and closes his mouth without saying anything whatsoever. “I’m not in _too_ deep yet, but I’m still gonna hurt if- you know.”

            “I… Yeah.” Louis says. He figures it’s time to say some other things too. “I didn’t think I was enough.” He lets it out.

            “What?”

            “My first month here. We went out for drinks and you asked me why I never asked you to stay…” Louis explains. “I didn’t think I was enough for you. I was so scared that if you found a way to stay I would ruin us. I was poor and just playing around with the idea of uni, rejecting adulthood at all costs and you were… Like I said, you were _everything_ , but not- not just everything _to me_ , you were everything on your own, Hazz. You’ve always been too much for me and I just got lucky, I guess.”

            “Are you _insane_?” Harry asks him; now turning his full body to Louis and making him look into his eyes. “How can you even say that, Louis?”

            “I was _scared_ ”, he repeats. “And I still am. I don’t know what I’ll say if Aiden decides we can still try and be together because with him at least I know what I’m doing and with you—with you I was just always trying to be enough, because you deserved- deserve so much better.”

 

            “Ok, now _I_ wanna punch _you_. Fucking listen to yourself!” Harry says louder. “I’ve loved you since I _knew_ how to be in love. You were always enough. Not less, not more. Just... _Right_. We were right. _You_ were right for me, and I—I can’t _believe_ you, Louis”, he complains frustrated. “Look at me”, he says when Louis tries to turn away. “If you had asked me to stay…” Harry says. “I wouldn’t have left. Ever. I wouldn’t've. And if you’d just- if you’d _just_ talked to me while I was here you would know how completely broken I was for the first two years, and I would’ve assured you that I’d be back in England as soon as I was finished, it didn’t matter what great work was lined up for me here”, he tells him. “I’d rather be poor and keep working at a bakery and be with you than— _this_.”

            “You don’t mean it.”

            “But I _do_ ”, he says. “Don’t patronize me, don’t act like I’m sixteen, I’m twenty seven—I’m twenty-seven and I’m telling you, almost ten years later, that you’ve always been enough.”

 

            “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay.” Louis voices a while later.

            “Don’t go back to him”, Harry pleads.

            “Hazz.”

            “You’re gonna hurt him. And me. And yourself, and for what?” He asks. Louis doesn’t respond.

 

            Louis stays quiet for far too long and Harry doesn’t know what else he can say to make him realize Harry’s completely in love with him, again, without needing to say those words. He knows that if he says them right now, they’ll freak Louis out. He doesn’t want that. No. He wants to make him _notice_ how everything that’s happened these past few months was just so they’d be here right now.

            At the same time Harry’s heart is pounding against his chest like it’s going to burst due to how nervous he is. He also feels a kind of peace he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

            “Don’t shut me out again, Louis”, he asks like he’s begging and remembers Louis only liked him begging in bed. “ _Please,_ don’t do this to me again.”

            He won’t cry, but not because he doesn’t want to, but because the sun is about to rise and he doesn’t want Louis to see him losing his shit. Louis is lost enough already.

            “I don’t want to”, Louis says and looks at him. He’s got teary eyes and his mouth is closed in a thin line until he speaks again. “The last thing I want is to shut you out, right now. I just want- I- I need to be closer, I.” And he hugs him.

            He turns his body, kind of places himself on Harry’s lap sideways and hugs him by the neck, burying his face in Harry’s chest.

            “I don’t want to stay away from you”, Louis confesses in the smallest of voices. “I don’t ever want to stay away from you again.”

            “So _don’t_.”

            “I need to- I need to talk to him. Fuck, I need to—I need to apologize, I need to let him break us up or do it if he doesn’t- and I need to go back home.”

            “You- uhn?”

            “For a few days. We have days off, right? Like vacations that we take whenever necessary?” He asks and Harry nods. “I need to go and talk to mom, eat her food, sleep in my bed and-”

            “You do whatever you need to do, whatever you want, just- let me in.”

            “Okay.”

            “Okay?” Harry asks, just to be sure. Louis looks at him again as the sun comes up, and Harry doesn’t know what shines more.

            “Okay”, Louis confirms.

            They sit there for a while just looking over the ocean and watching the sun rise even higher. Harry’s sleepy as hell, but he doesn’t want this moment to end. He’s holding Louis and Louis is holding him and with every breath he takes he feels like they’re on quicksand.   

            They can’t stay here forever, but Harry’s also really done overanalyzing everything.

            “Lou…” He calls, not sure Louis is still awake.

            “Hm?” He is.

            “Would it be really bad if we kissed?” Harry asks.

            Louis studies his features for a long while, and then pushes himself out of his embrace, getting up to his feet and offering his hands for Harry to take and do the same.

            They’re face to face when Louis speaks to him again.

            “I’ve never been a cheater, Hazz… I’m not about to do it now”, Louis tells him while he plays with his engagement ring on his right hand. “I’m sorry.”

            “It’s fine.”

            It’s not, really. But he says it is.

            “Hey, listen to me”, the other guy says and takes Harry’s hand in one of his, the other moving to his cheek, thumb caressing Harry’s upper cheek ever so softly. “I will kiss you, H. And when I do, I’ll do it right, yeah?” He smiles. It’s small, but it’s there. Harry does his best to do the same. “I’ll sweep you off your feet.”

            “I’m sure you will”, Harry chuckles and feels Louis’ hand slide from his face to his hair and then his shoulder, falling after he runs his fingers over his arms and makes him shiver. “We should get back, yeah?” He says. “It’s six thirty”, he checks his phone.

            “We should, yeah.”

           

            They buy two cups of coffee from a diner that has just opened before they head to the car, and once they’re in, Louis turns on the radio and a soft melody starts playing. Harry thinks it’s something from Keane, because Louis has always loved them and he recognizes the lyrics instantly, even after many years, he still manages to remember them – like everything else Louis-related that he’s never been able to truly forget.

            Harry hasn’t slept properly in a while, he is a bit hungover from the party and he won’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon, since his family is there and Gemma totally heard him leave in the middle of the night – there’s gonna be a questionnaire and he’ll receive many different opinions. He doesn’t know how Louis will solve this situation and he doesn’t know when they’ll be able to talk alone again. Still, there’s a warm feeling in Harry’s belly telling him that things will be okay in little time.

            There’s Louis sitting by his side and smiling carefreely to the road and nodding his head according to the melody and there’s Los Angeles ahead of them, still half asleep, waiting for another beautiful, sunny day – even in winter. There’s _hope_ that the love of his life will be _his_ again. And it’s everything Harry needs right now to be reassured he is exactly where he’s supposed to be.

 

 

_“And California never felt like home to me_

_Until I had you on the open road.”_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughs? :D
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ifmelcouldfly/with_replies) | [tumblr](http://downgoesanotherhero.tumblr.com/)


	5. Over Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> 1) This chapter is not betaed yet, because Ari's been super busy (and honestly so have I), but I wanted to post it anyway, because, you know, I'm very impatient, so I'm sorry for any mistakes you're bound to find - hopefully, there won't be many. I'll update to the edited/betaed version as soon as she finishes it.
> 
> 2) Louis may be a bit demanding during sex. Nothing much. But I'm just telling ya in case it's not your thing.
> 
> Ok, enjoy <3

 

_“If you’re pretending from the start, like this, with a tight grip, then my kiss can mend your broken heart, I might miss everything you said to me…”_

 

            The main problem when you’re almost thirty years old is that you don’t have many excuses for the things you do. You can’t act like a reckless teenager anymore, you can’t make mistakes in the name of being in love and you don’t get to end a five and a half year relationship and run into the sunset with your old boyfriend just because you’ve realized that’s exactly what you want to do.

            Louis is twenty-nine – even though most of the time he feels like he’s nineteen.

            He drops Harry at his apartment at around seven in the morning and Harry invites him in for breakfast, says everyone’s gonna love to have him there, but Louis knows better; he’s got things to deal with back at his own flat and, with luck, this definitely isn’t the last time the other boy’s going to invite him to eat something.

            Before getting back to his own flat, Louis stops at a bakery nearby and buys some stuff for him and Aiden to eat, since none of them will be in the best shape to cook anything. When he gets home he drops everything on the kitchen table to go take a shower – it feels like he’s lived one year in the past twenty four hours.

 

            “Louis… Lou, wake up”, Louis hears Aiden speaking to him and makes an effort to open his eyes. “It’s almost one p.m.”

            “Hi”, he replies, “did you eat? I bought breakfast earlier…”

            “I did, yeah, thanks”, he half smiles. “I made you tea.”

            “You didn’t have to, but thank you”, Louis says sitting up on the couch and then getting the mug from him.

            Fizzy got Louis this mug when he graduated, because it was all she could afford with her almost nonexistent allowance and Louis hasn’t been able to let it go ever since.

            “Did you sleep well?” He asks when Aiden sits by his side.

            “Alcohol did a good job at knocking me out”, he snorts. “But I slept poorly actually…” Aiden says. “I did make a scene yesterday.”

            “Alcohol”, Louis justifies and they laugh weakly. “It was all right, though”, he sighs. “I’m- I’m sorry, A”, he says turning to him. “Everything you said yesterday, everything that’s been happening… You don’t deserve any of this.”

            “Thanks for, you know, acknowledging”, his still fiancé replies.

            “I think I… I think I didn’t want to see what was going on because I didn’t want to hurt you… And I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of having my life turned upside down in such short amount of time”, Louis confesses.

            “I think I believe you- it just didn’t work, you know?” Aiden asks with a sad smile on his face. “It still hurts like hell.”

            “I know and I’m—”

            “Sorry, yeah”, he laughs humorlessly. “But you _don’t know_ , don’t insult me and pretend that you do know what it’s like to watch the person you love the most fall _out of love_ with you”, Aiden says more seriously. “I went to sleep thinking that maybe we’d wake up and still… Still believe in us, but… I’m looking at you, Louis, and I can see it in your eyes that now that you’ve realized what’s going on there’s no way you can focus on us. There is no _us_ anymore, is there?”

            Louis feels terrible. He also knows there’s no reason to keep lying to anyone anymore.

            “It wouldn’t be fair if I—if I said yes”, Louis chokes out. He’s a grown man who wants to cry because things are changing before his eyes. “I’m not going to put you through this anymore… And I need you to know, A… I need you to know that it wasn’t you who never stood a chance against Harry. It was _me_.” He confesses. “I didn’t when I was a kid and I didn’t- I don’t now.”

            “Wow.”

            “Yeah.”

 

            They stay silent for a long time and then they kiss. It isn’t passionate and full of need; it’s basically for old time’s sake, Louis figures. It’s a _thank you_ , and _I’m sorry_ , and _goodbye_.

            Both of them tear up a bit for different reasons: Aiden because he’s losing what is, according to him, the love of his life, and Louis… Well, for _so many reasons_. The one that stands out though is the fact that he feels… Good. He feels guilty for feeling good when someone he, in his own way, loves is suffering because of him.

 

            Aiden isn’t a yeller, so he doesn’t yell at Louis the rest of the day or ever again. In many ways, he reminds Louis of Harry. And now that he sees things clearly, it is obvious why he once fell in love with him. And it’s kind of sad, really, because Louis realizes another thing: he never really stopped looking for _a_ Harry; for someone who had his characteristics, but not necessarily the physical ones.

            Throughout the years, even when he was sleeping around, Louis became a collector. He kept in storage Harry’s best smiles and the sound of his laughter. He kept the exact way Harry put a towel around his head after he walked in the rain and the way he hugged him all wet just to piss Louis off. He kept many of his messages on iCloud even though he schooled himself to never open them.

            Louis observed on other people the way Harry walked and, unconsciously, he counted how many steps he had to take till he could be near him again. Louis found some copies of Harry wandering around and picked the one that was most convincing.

            The problem with collectors, Louis finds out, is that it doesn’t really matter how many new, shiny things they get, they will never let go of the ones they found first.

 

-

 

            Most people don’t get to say _that day was the day my life changed forever_. After all, life is constantly changing and one day you look back and see how different things are. Louis, though, can acknowledge now that he had two turning points in his life: the day Harry went away when they were younger and the weekend in which he moves out of the flat he shared with Aiden up until now.

            It takes him a week sleeping on the couch to find another place to live, and in the end he finds himself at Niall’s, who says he could really use a flat mate. Both of them are supposedly way over this phase, but it somehow works perfectly, even if Louis needs to take the subway to work now too.

 

            “D’you need anything else, mate?” Niall asks.

            “To see my mom, actually”, he chuckles. “I’m booking tickets. Just for three days to get my head—sorted. Don’t even know how I managed to work this week to be honest”, he says while rubbing his face and then accepts the beer Niall gives him.

            “Me neither”, he offers and drops by his side on the couch.

            It’s a Friday night and Niall tried, during the entire day, to convince Louis to go out with him. After Louis refused for the fifteenth time (seriously, he was counting), Niall said he’d make the sacrifice to stay in with him.

            “What happened, Lou? I mean, I can guess since on Thrusday I witnessed the weirdest encounter ever between Harry and your ex, but…”

            “Yeah…” Louis laughs and throws his head back.

            “You don’t _have_ to tell me, I’m sorry”, Niall says quickly when he sees Louis eyes getting wet.

            “’S okay, Nialler…” Louis tells him. “You’ve met Harry, yeah?” It’s a rhetorical question but the blond lad nods anyway. “Tell me how one doesn’t fall in love with him”, he dares.

            “Hazz _is_ pretty lovable”, Niall agrees pondering.

            “He is.”

            “You fell for him again?” He takes a right guess.

            “I fell for him again”, Louis responds. “He’s not only my boss and my ex fiancé’s boss, but probably, _most likely_ my end game—as in, the love of my life.” And that’s Louis biggest, most truthful confession so far.

 

-

 

            Harry gives Louis space.

            To be honest, he needs it as well, because even if Louis life is changing more than his own, it’s still a hell of an adjustment to realize that even if you’re more mature now, your heart can still beat uncontrollably like you’re a teenager when it’s the right person standing right next to you, and you still lose your breath when you’re face to face with them.

            So when Louis tells him he’s going to visit his mother for a few days, Harry thinks about doing the same thing and tries to go to Chicago even for one night, which is completely impossible since he’s got so much work to do. He is in his office when there’s a soft knock on his door and Lou tells him that Aiden wants to see him. This should be… Interesting.

            “Send him in”, is what Harry tells her and she smiles back, opening the door wider and letting Aiden walk past her. “Hey”, Harry says, but doesn’t get up from his spot behind the desk.

            “Hi, Harry”, the other man says. “Do you have a minute?”

            Harry nods. He can’t help but notice Aiden is still wearing the engagement ring even though Louis hasn’t worn it since the morning after Harry’s birthday, he says. Harry also can’t help but feel a bit like shit knowing that he is the reason their relationship didn’t work in the first place. He doesn’t know if he _can_ say that without sounding like a complete ass, he can’t risk being misinterpreted as someone who says “I’m sorry your ex fiancé loved me more”, so he just continues in silence and waits for Aiden to speak again.

            “I know this isn’t the best time to talk about it, you’ve got plenty work to do and so do I—” Aiden starts, “but I wouldn’t like to go out with you, mate, don’t get me wrong.”

            “It’s fine, Aiden, really”, Harry says. He was kind of expecting this conversation already.

            “I just… Don’t wanna be fired, I guess”, he chuckles. “We’re all grown-ups, yeah? Me and Louis don’t even work on the same floor and I can—I can be professional.”

            “I don’t doubt it”, Harry says and frowns. “And you’re not getting fired, this hasn’t even gone through my mind…”

            “Okay, wow, that’s a relief”, Aiden laughs quietly and looks down.

            “Look, you’re a great lawyer, you’ve made a few friends down there I’m sure—”, Harry says referring to his coworkers. “We haven’t had any problems with the contracts you’ve worked on and the artists you work with seem to like you well enough. There is _no_ reason for you to stop working with us other than personal ones and I, for one, can, hm- be okay with that.”

            _Kinda. But you’ve already taken away his fiancé, you won’t do it with his job either just because you can; you’re better than that_ , Harry’s brain tells him.     

            “I can too, I just- can I maybe stop working with Zayn?” He asks. “If I do I’m bound to be in hundreds of meetings with Louis and I don’t—”

            “We can do that, yeah. Maybe ask Jeff, though?” Harry says.

            “Sure thing, thanks.”

            “No- I.” Harry doesn’t know what to say. He can’t thank Aiden for accepting this job here and bringing Louis back to him even though that was exactly what happened. “I’m glad you want to stay and keep working with us”, he ends up saying.

            “Yeah…” Aiden says. “Look, it’s none of my business, but do you—?”

            “We haven’t talked properly yet”, Harry rushes to tell him. “He needs time. I need time. You do, too. It’s complicated and I’m- I’m sorry.”

            “Hm, thanks, yeah, time is… Good”, the other man says only now meeting his eyes. “I was just going to ask, and you can tell me to fuck right off for doing it since you’re my boss and everything—” he says, “do you love him?”   

            And. Ok. Harry was _kind of_ expecting that too, but. Still.

            “I- hm… I—”

            “That was _way_ out of line, I’m sorry”, Aiden says getting up. “I’ll get back to work, Harry, thank you very much for even talking to me about it.”

            “Aiden”, Harry calls before he walks out. “He’s the only person I’ve ever truly loved”, he says then. “And I haven’t told him yet so… Yeah.”

            Aiden only nods appreciatively and offers Harry a small smile before closing the door.

            Harry thinks that if he weren’t his boss, that conversation might’ve gone a lot differently, but as it is, he’s okay with the fact that they can all exist in the same building.

 

-

 

            Louis gets back the day Zayn leaves for the tour after what was supposed to be only a few days turned into almost two weeks. It was okay, though, because he had left everything prepared, but, still, when he arrives in LA and goes straight to Zayn’s place, his friend slash client receives him with a lecture about how not okay that was.

            “You dickhead”, he says when he hugs Louis.          

            “I’m sorry, I know you missed me dearly”, Louis laughs when they separate and rolls his eyes. It’s not like he wasn’t in skype meetings almost every single day he was in England. Even when you have to deal with persona issues, you don’t get to completely disconnect from his kind of job. Not when you manage two of the most popular international acts nowadays.

            “Not one bit”, Zayn smiles.

            “So, you guys ready?” He asks him and Niall at the same time.

            Zayn’s body guard walks past them and says hi to Louis before moving with Zayn’s suitcases towards the van that’s parked in front of his house.

            The tour starts in Australia in two days and Zayn is completely thrilled to be going that far for the first time in his life. He usually hates traveling, but something’s shifted in the last couple of months and now he’s _really_ excited about performing. Liam says it’s because this is one of his most genuine albums ever, and Louis thinks it’s got more to do with the fact that, for once, he gets to be himself and not be judged for it, since he _is_ a better self than he was all those months ago.

            “I’m excited, mate, I love Australia!” Niall smiles.         

            “Niall loves _Australians_ ”, Zayn corrects with a smirk.

            “That too”, the Irishman agrees. “Are you gonna visit us, Lou Lou?”

            “I’m not sure, I don’t really like you”, he laughs and receives a punch on the shoulder. “Resorting to violence, I see. Why would I want to visit you now, Nialler?” Louis teases. “I will, whenever I have time.”

            “Visit when we’re in Asia, you’ll love it there”, Zayn advises. “I know I do.”

            “It’s calmer, isn’t it?” Louis asks.

            “Yeah, I love it”, he smiles.

            “Well, it’s time to go”, Niall says when he checks his watch. “Lovely of you to come say goodbye, mate”, he tells Louis and moves to hug him. “Harry’s at the office, by the way.”

            Louis rolls his eyes. _He knows_.

            “Have a great time, mate, send pics, don’t get too drunk and- we’ll talk, I’m sending Josh after you in a bit cause you’re bound to do some interviews.”

            “Yes, sir”, Zayn answers while he hugs him really, really tight. “I hope you’re okay.”

            “I am”, he assures him. “Now let’s go”, Louis tells them and moves outside, going towards his own car.

 

            Once he’s home – at the flat he shares with Niall –, Louis texts his mother to tell her the flight was okay and he’s alive and well despite being sleepy as fuck (of course he says that with a better vocabulary), and then moves to shower, where he stands for almost fifteen minutes just washing away the trip and relaxing his muscles. Even first class can get uncomfortable for so many hours.

 

            Louis sleeps. He sleeps a lot, from six pm to four thirty am the next day and what happens when he first wakes up after a weird dream is that he can’t fall back asleep. He curses at least three generations, but since he’s bound to go to work anyways, since it’s a bloody Wednesday, he just takes another shower, this time a quicker one, and puts on some clothes, deciding he’ll go out and buy some breakfast he definitely will not eat alone.

-

 

            Harry wakes up with this insistent buzz under his pillow and wants to actually cry when he realizes it’s not even five thirty when he actually only needs to wake up at ten to seven. He’s got two missed calls from Louis and- oh, he’s calling again.

            “’Lo?” Is all he says, his morning voice not allowing much more.

            “ _Hazz?_ ” Louis voice comes softly from the other side, like he’s smiling. Harry’s lips curve up and he closes his eyes again, almost involuntarily.

            “Hi.”

            _“Would you kill me if I asked you to open the door?”_

            “What?” Harry asks, a bit confused.

            _“I’m on your doorstep? I’ve got coffee, I promise.”_ He says in his defense.

            Harry’s legs move before his brain can fully catch up with it and he almost falls on the way out of his bedroom; Louis chuckles on the other side of the line indicating that he’s heard it.           

            It is pitch dark inside the flat and he can’t bear to turn on any lights, his head still too sleepy for anything other than _open the door because Louis is here and you miss Louis_ to be processed. When he gets to the living room he looks for the keys where he always leaves them, on a rack in the hall, and quickly unlocks the door.

            “Morning”, Louis says with an apologetic shrug. He’s completely dressed up for work already and is carrying two cups of coffee in his hands and a plastic bag hanging on his right arm.

            “Hey”, Harry says. He only then notices he’s wearing nothing but boxers and- well. “Come in.”

            “It’s too dark in here, Harold”, Louis says moving to the kitchen knowing his way around. There’s a warm feeling in Harry’s belly because of it.

            “It’s five twenty five, Louis, I’m so sorry”, he apologizes sarcastically and follows him.

            “Well I’m sorry if I missed you too much”, Louis replies pretending to be annoyed, but when he turns around after leaving everything on the counter, Harry swears there’s a smile on his face, even if he can’t properly see it.

            “You did, huh?” He asks moving closer.

            “I really did”, and then he’s hugging him. “I would’ve visited you yesterday, but I fell asleep the minute I hit the bed”, Louis says in his hair, hands wandering on Harry’s back.

            “I’m just glad you’re here”, Harry replies truthfully. “I’ve missed you a lot too.”

            They stand like this for a while, just hugging, just feeling each other. It’s so fragile, this moment that Harry doesn’t dare say or do anything else. He feels Louis’s hands caressing his hair and moving to his shoulder blades, drawing circles on his back, going up and down as if he wants to feel every part of him that is available and Harry has half a mind to grip on his waist and smooth his thumb on his hipbones over the dress shirt he’s wearing.

            While he’s still groggy and sleepy and partially naked, Louis smells fresh out of the shower, with little cologne – enough to be noticed and not make anyone sick for being, still, too early in the morning.

            Louis feels firm underneath Harry’s palms and Harry wants nothing more than to stay here forever, but as he slowly wakes up, shivering whenever Louis uses the tip of his fingers to brush down his spine, he also wants to talk, or just listen to Louis. He wants things not to be fragile – he wants to be sure, once and for all, that this is real.

            Louis moves his hands to Harry’s neck and then to each side of his face, pulling back just a bit to look him in the eyes. He doesn’t know how long they stood there, because the sun is rising, but he can make Louis’ features clearly right now.

            Louis’ hair is in a quiff and he’s shaved his beard making his cheekbones even more prominent. He’s so different from the young man Harry left so many years ago, but in many ways he’s _the same Louis_. He’s the same Louis when his thumbs brush on Harry’s upper cheeks and he’s the same Louis when he smiles like he’s discovering a new Harry as well.

            Change and recognition are happening before his eyes at the same time and Harry never thought such a beautiful moment would happen to him. But it’s here.. _Louis_ is here. For a few seconds, he still blinks rapidly, afraid that if he closes his eyes for more than a quarter of a second this will go away. When he realizes it won’t, a smile spreads on his face, mirroring the other man’s grin.

            Louis tilts his head to one side and moves to kiss him.

            “I- haven’t brushed my teeth yet”, Harry says dumbly.

            “I really, _really_ don’t care”, Louis says, still with one hand on his cheek, the other one wandering down his arm and grabbing Harry’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “I just want to kiss you”, he whispers to his cheek, kissing it there and then the corner of his mouth.

            “So kiss me, you fool”, he smiles and moves his head only an inch so their lips are finally connected and it’s every bit amazing as it once was.

            They don’t play when they kiss, is the thing.

            There aren’t chapped, closed lips against each other and tempting small bites like one would think a first kiss to have – maybe because this _isn’t_ a first kiss. It’s a _hello, there_ kiss. It’s a _fucking finally_ kiss. It’s a _we’ve spent almost ten years apart but you’re still the one_ kiss. It’s a _we’ll have time for foreplay later_ kiss, because both of them know: they have all the time in the world.

             Louis dives in tongue first and Harry’s reflex is to just open his mouth to him, letting their tongues slide knowingly against each other, with slow, hot drags as their hands try to reach every part of one another.

            Harry backs Louis against the counter and Louis whimpers just a little bit when he feels trapped between the hard surface and Harry’s body, but he soon catches up and takes control of the moment, parting his legs so Harry’s thigh can slip between them and he uses it as leverage, raising to the balls of his feet and pulling Harry’s hair at the same time he scrapes his back.

            Harry isn’t wearing a shirt, mind, and this is _Louis_ , so of course he moans into his mouth the second it happens and parts their mouths so he can breathe properly. Louis smirks and nips on his jaw and then his earlobe, but throws his head back the second Harry presses his thigh firmer against Louis’ dick, which’s already hardening against his trousers.

            He kind of rides Harry’s thigh for a while, and Harry lets him, _oh yes_ he lets him. Harry presses him even more firmly against the counter and pants in his ear with both hands grabbing Louis’s ass, massaging them and bringing him even closer to his body, feeling the hard line of his cock on his bare leg and letting his hot breath cause shivers on the other man’s skin.

            “I want—” Louis says, breathing heavily as Harry kisses his neck open mouthed, dragging his tongue from one side to the other, not even being able to choose where to stop because he just wants _everything_. “I want to—”

            “What d’you want, Lou?” Harry asks in his other ear, biting his earlobe and rolling it on his tongue.

            “You, clearly”, he replies and looks at Harry again, pulling him by the hair and making him let out a guttural sound the second he feels it.

            Harry knows that look. It’s dark and mischievous and is a look that says _your time is over, baby_.

            “In my mouth, preferably”, he then tells him, manhandling Harry so his back’s against the fridge. Harry hisses when his naked, hot body gets in contact with the cold surface, but what makes him truly lose it and roll his eyes to the back of his head is the sight of Louis getting on his knees right in front of him, hands on each side of his hip and mouth on his clothed cock, which is leaking already inside his pants.

            (Never, not even in a million years Harry thought he’d wake up like this today. He can’t even remember the last time he had such a good wakeup call and if he thinks hard enough he’s sure he’s gonna go back to their past.)

            Louis kisses his hipbones and tongues around his navel just to blow cool air over it, biting right under it and making Harry shudder while he plays with the waistband of Harry’s boxer, but he doesn’t take it off, because he’s a fucking tease, of course.

            Harry doesn’t know if he should keep looking down at him – there’s an 80% probability he’ll last less if he continues doing it, but there’s no way he can make his eyes look anywhere else.

            “God, I missed you”, the other man says and Harry’s in doubt if he’s talking to _him_ or to specific parts of his body, and he smiles contently when he realizes it’s all the same at the end of the day.

            Louis’ hands move down his legs and he parts them further away; Harry obeys, of course he does, and he’s only half surprised when Louis grips his ass while he attaches his mouth to his inner thigh.

            “Are you gonna mark me up?” Harry asks, his voice hoarse, one of his hands on Louis’ shoulder so he can balance himself. “For old time’s sake?”

            “All over”, Louis replies before biting hard on his left thigh, teeth nipping nonstop only being alternated with his hot tongue all over the place. Harry doesn’t know if he’ll have a bunch of small purple marks or a huge one, but he honest to God doesn’t give a damn, as long as he can feel it, _them_ for as long as possible, only to have Louis do it all over again in a few days.

            He’s breathing hard when Louis moves one hand to his bulge again, and he’s not above begging when he finally, _finally_ decides to take them off. Harry does not laugh when his cock basically slaps Louis’s face, but only because the look on the other man’s eyes is beyond savage and-

            “Oh, I definitely missed you”, and yeah, Harry knows what he’s talking about.

            “It’s missed you too- _OH fuck_ ”, he kind of screams embarrassingly loud, not even being able to finish his sentence, when Louis licks at the head of his cock like he is tasting a popsicle. Both of his hands are still on Harry’s thighs, and when he moves one of them to the base of Harry’s dick, the other puts pressure on a love bite and Harry knocks his head back on the fridge, closing his eyes and swearing under his breath.

            Louis has always been too good at sex and taught Harry many of the things he knows, if not everything, but when he drags his tongue from the base of Harry’s cock to the tip and envelops its head on his mouth just to repeat the process again, Harry notices that he’s even better now, and the only way he knows it it’s because his reactions are stronger, his body responds immediately and his knees buckle every time he’s in the tight, _tight_ heat of the other man’s mouth. As Louis hollows his cheeks, Harry sees the brightest stars in the fucking universe, and he’s pretty sure Louis is sucking the life out of him. He’ll _gladly_ let it.

            Louis repeats the process torturously slow at times, and Harry is about to cry out _pleasepleaseplease just take me in for good_ when Louis does exactly that, bobbing his head repeatedly and quickly all over Harry’s shaft until it hits his throat three times in a row, making Harry give up on being just _good_ for him and burying his hands on Louis hair, not even sparing a thought to his oh-so-perfect quiff.

            Louis moans around him and the vibrations send Harry to frenzy.

            “ _God_ ”, he murmurs. “ _Fucking_ _hell_ , Louis”, he says, scraping his scalpel.

            Louis lets him slip out of his mouth but his hand’s there instantly, wanking him fiercely but slowly while he moves his mouth down Harry’s balls, taking each one of them carefully into his mouth and swirling his tongue around them.          

            “You’re still so sensitive, Hazz”, he says, hot breath hitting Harry’s groin and making him a bit dizzy already. “If you’re like this with me sucking you off—” Louis says, kissing his shaft and rolling his balls in one of his hands, the other holding his base so Harry’s dick’s aligned with his lips. “—I can only imagine how you’ll be when I finally fuck you”, he says and Harry _wails_ , not even bothering to keep it low anymore.

            The sun from the living room window is hitting his eyes but it’s Louis’s expression that blinds him. He feels _wanted_.

            “Louis, _please._ ”

            “Please what, Harry?” He asks and kisses across his hipbones. “What do you want?” He licks down his belly and towards his crotch, tongue near but never _on_ his cock again.

            “ _Please_ ”, he says; it’s all he can master. He’s _so_ close and Louis is pumping him _so_ slowly, why is he pumping him so slowly? _Fucking hell Louis DO SOMETHING_.

            Louis laughs hoarsely and only then Harry realizes that maybe he’s just said all of that out loud, but he doesn’t really care, because suddenly Louis is back at it, hands on Harry’s ass and mouth around his head, going down, down, down, pulling him even closer and squeezing his asscheeks and it only takes him bobbing his head a few more times for Harry to feel that tightness in the pit of his stomach, and pull on Louis head, who pulls back only a bit to swirl his tongue a few more times on Harry’s dickhead while he looks up at Harry.

            “I’m- I’ll- _Lou_ -”

            “C’mon, H”, Louis says, his voice destroyed, “ _come for me_ ”, he asks and kisses his shaft, taking him in his mouth once again and finally bringing Harry to the edge.

            Everything is _hot_. Louis is hot, Harry _feels_ hot and he shoots hotly down Louis’ throat – and Louis doesn’t even cough. He just takes it, closes his eyes and swallows everything, like he’s tasting the best fucking thing in the world. Harry cannot wait to do the same to him, if he’s being perfectly honest.

            When Harry finishes, Louis licks around him one more time before resting his forehead on Harry’s right thigh, but he doesn’t have the strength to stand up anymore and moves Louis’ head away a few inches so he can fall on the floor, breathing raggedly and smiling bigger than he has in a long, long time.

 

            “I swear this wasn’t my intention when I came here”, Louis tells him laughing a bit.     

            Harry pecks his mouth once before speaking.

            “Well, you don’t see me complaining”, he smiles. “Let me—” he moves his hands towards Louis’ trousers, his bulge completely visible through them.

            “You should go shower”, is what Louis answers. “I’m okay.”

            “Lou”, Harry rolls his eyes.

            “It’s six fifteen, H- and we should probably, hm, talk”, he states.

            “Your cock first, talk later”, Harry tells him and kisses his neck.

            “My cock isn’t going anywhere away from you ever again, Harold”, Louis replies humorously.

            “Ever again?” Harry asks with that, apparently, permanent grin on his face.

            _“Go shower.”_

“Yes, sir”, he replies and smiles mischievously.

            “Just Louis is fine, thank you”, the other man smiles and smooths his shirt after readjusting himself in his pants.

             “Would you rather I call you daddy?” He winks.

            “ _Shower, now!”_ Louis half yells and Harry laughs louder, curls bouncing on each side of his face. Louis has been back for a few hours and he already feels the happies he’s ever been. Harry loves him again, doesn’t he? _Oh, God. He loves him._

             

-

 

            When Harry gets out of the shower and makes his way back to the kitchen it’s already seven o’clock, but he isn’t in a rush, since he would be getting up right now hadn’t it been for Louis and his… Surprise.

            Speaking of, Louis is waiting for him sitting on one of the stools with a content smile on his face while he thumbs on his phone. Harry clears his throat and he looks up.

            “Coffee got cold, but I made tea”, Louis offers.

            “Awesome”, he smiles back and moves towards him.

            “Hm… You smell so goooood”, Louis says nuzzling Harry’s neck, hand resting on his waist. “You look great as well, though I prefer you naked…”

            “Sure”, Harry snorts, “you don’t get to see me naked again till I get the same privilege”, he points and kisses him on the cheek, moving around him to grab his cuppa and sit by his side.

            “We need to work on that then…” Louis smiles and takes a sip from his own cup, “after we talk, that is.”

            “Right”, he answers, “Should I cook breakfast first?”

            “I don’t know… _Should you cook me breakfast…?_ ” The blue-eyed man pretends to think. Harry only rolls his eyes and turns towards the cabinets and then the fridge to grab everything he needs to start on the scrambled eggs and the fried bacon Louis surely will want.

            Louis talks about his family while Harry cooks. He tells him how his mother took the news (“very well, too well even”), and how the girls reacted. He tells Harry Lottie wanted to facetime him every day he was there and that Ernest and Doris complained endlessly about being the only ones who don’t know him personally. _They’re too smart for their age_ , Louis says.

            Harry, for one, cannot believe there are two Tomlinsons he doesn’t know, and when Louis corrects him saying that they aren’t _Tomlinsons_ , but _Deakins_ , Harry doesn’t feel any better. The fact that there is a part of Louis’ life – of his _family_ – that Harry doesn’t know meticulously proves that there’s something really wrong with the way he’s been living for the past nine years. Louis promises they’re going to fix it, as soon as they fix themselves.

            “Do we need _fixing_ though?” Harry asks furrowing his brows after he finishes his juice.

            “Well- maybe fixing isn’t the right word”, Louis quickly agrees and, as he keeps talking, he starts loading Harry’s dishwasher as if he belongs here already. Harry think she actually does. “But we need to decide what we’re going to do from now on, eh?” He asks. “I mean, we’re adults now, Hazz. We work together, you’re my boss—and my ex fiancé is one floor below us-”

            “He came and talked to me the other day”, Harry interrupts to tell him.

            “I know, he told me he would. How did it go?”

            “Good. He just asked me to not work directly with you and I think- well, I think he was afraid to get fired and Lou, I would _never_!”

            “You’d be stupid to do so, Aiden is a great lawyer”, he says seriously and approaches him; Harry parts his legs so Louis can fit in between them. “Plus… You’ve already taken _me_ from him, so that’s enough, yeah?”

            There’s a mix of joke and seriousness in Louis’ tone, but Harry decides not to kid about it, not even a little bit.

            “I wish I could say I am sorry, but _Louis_ …” He kind of silently pleads to be understood. “I tried. And I tried and I tried and I just…”

            “It’s okay, H”, he smiles and flattens his hands on Harry’s chest, suddenly finding the buttons super interesting. “I couldn’t stay away from you either.”

            “Louis, I missed you so much”, Harry gives in and hugs him tight. “I missed you every day for so many years and eventually I just got numb, but I… I missed you.”

            “I missed you too, love”, he tells him and Harry _feels_ it. “I missed everything about you.”

            “Don’t let me go- like, ever again.” He asks.

            “Babe…”

            “I mean it”, he rushes to say. “I understand if you need more time to sort your head… You’ve just gotten out of an engagement for fuck’s sake- but I… I need to know you won’t let me go, because I’m tired of feeling alone.” He says, finally, and drops his forehead to Louis’ shoulder.

            The other man buries his hand in Harry’s curls and runs his fingers softly through them, speaking slowly and clearly into his ear.

            “Harry, I don’t… I don’t need more time to sort anything. Maybe we can keep it low-key for a while, because I don’t wanna rub anything in Aiden’s face… I owe him this much respect, but I… I  didn’t just broke up a relationship”, he explains and brings Harry’s face up by his chin, making him look into his eyes. “I broke it up _for you_ , _because of you_. Because I love _you_. Because I’m truly, madly, _crazy_ , deeply in love with you… _Again_.” He explains and a small smile starts appearing on his face. “And the fact that I showed up at your door even before sunrise should be enough indication that I don’t wanna wait one more second to call you mine. _Again_. That is, if you’re okay with it.”

            Harry kisses him as soon as he finishes pronouncing the word _it_ , because WHAT ELSE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?

            Louis parts his lips instantly so Harry can slip his tongue into his mouth and Harry tries, with each slide of his tongue against Louis’s, and every little bite to Louis’ bottom lip to tell him how _more than okay_ he is with all, how much he wants to be his, how he is, in fact, _his_ already, how no one else would ever come after him. How no one actually did.

 

            “I love you”, Harry then says, eyes closed, their foreheads connected. “I’m _in love_ with you. Racing heart, trembling fingers and all. _Again_.”

            “Good”, he can hear the smile on Louis’s voice. The other man kisses him square on the mouth, firmly, and then retracts, “that’s good”, Harry then opens his eyes. “You’ll never feel like you’re alone, H, I promise.”

            “I love you. I _love_ you. I love _you_ ”, Harry replies and punctuates each sentence with another loud obnoxious kiss.

            “I love you too- _God,_ I can’t stop smiling, my cheeks hurt, what is _wrong_ with me?” Louis laughs and throws his head back, staring at the ceiling.

            Harry pulls him back by the waist again and kisses down his neck, wishing he could do this all day, knowing they need to leave in five minutes.

            “Nothing’s wrong”, Harry tells him. “Everything is right for the first time in forever than that’s—that’s something.”

            “It is”, Louis sighs in happiness and looks at him, turning Harry’s inside out with his piercing blue eyes. “We need to go now, don’t we?” He asks a bit frustrated. Harry completely understands him.

            “We do”, he whines in reply.

            “Well, I’d better get moving then, don’t want my boss complaining about me to the other boss at the office—” he says cheekily and moves away, pocketing his phone that was on the counter and making his way to the hall.

            “Oh, this is going to be fun…” Harry laughs and follows Louis out of the flat.

            What an amazing ordinary Wednesday morning.

 

-

 

            Louis wants one thing and one thing only for the rest of the day: Harry. Instead, they get to work in separate cars and go their separate ways because life is just cruel, really.

            Once he gets to his room, he is faced with Jeff Azoff sitting in there, and although he likes his boss and he is used to talking business with him, he’s rarely there unless they have a meeting scheduled, which they don’t, Louis has checked. His day is actually going to be filled with paperwork related to Ed Sheeran’s new album and where he is going to record it.

            You see, Ed isn’t ready to give up London. Louis gets him, London is amazing and he himself misses living there so, so much. But having his management here makes everything a tad more difficult, because even though he’s got his PA with him at all times and Louis can send him a handler over, it’s not gonna be the same, especially with scheduling appearances on TV and important events.

            Ed argues that he can do all that in England, but his market is much bigger right now, and he needs the US. It pains Louis to tell him that, it does, but it’s the truth. He’s made it in America, he needs to stay relevant _there_. He isn’t giving, though, so Louis is making the possible arrangements for him to stay there during the recording process. Promo season will be here and this is not up for negotiation. Anyway. Jeff. Jeff is here.

            “Morning”, Louis greets him trying not to frown while he makes his way to his desk, where he drops his phone, wallet and car key.

            “Hi, Louis”, his boss says. “Can we have a quick word?”

            “Sure- yeah, of course.”

            “Good, good. This is about Harry, just so you know beforehand—it’s nothing, hm, personal.”

            “Well, I’d say it’s pretty personal”, he disagrees easily.

            “I mean it’s nothing- I got nothing against you, yeah?” Jeff asks and Louis nods, not sure where he is going with it. “The only reason I’m doing this is because I don’t know if anybody else is, so- don’t mess with him.”

            “I’m sorry, what?”    

            “Harry. Do not mess with him. Whatever you do, do not hurt him, okay? This is the _break him and I’ll break you_ kind of conversation. Although I’m pretty shit at it”, Jeff confesses with a chuckle.

            “You are, mate”, Louis smiles timidly. “I won’t, yeah?” He tries to assure him.

            “Good. Because he was okay with Amy for a long time, you know?” He hears him and pretends he doesn’t cringe. “Then you messed with his head coming back, and he hasn’t said anything to me yet, but this is an office like everywhere else... People talk. I know you and Aiden broke up, Harry looks happier than ever so I just assumed—”

            “We’re good”, Louis cuts him off. If _Harry_ hasn’t said anything to Jeff, who is his friend, who is Louis to do so? “Harry and I. And Aiden and I. You’re not about to experience an office scandal…”

            “I’m really just worried about Harry.” He assures him.

            “Don’t be”, Louis replies. “I think- I think Harry will talk to you, but—it’s all good, yeah?”

            “Okay, Louis- yeah. Have a good day”, Jeff smiles.

            “Thanks, you too.”

            And so Louis’s day begins.

            Harry keeps texting him throughout the many contracts he’s reading and there’s still Zayn bored out of his mind all the way from Australia, in a completely different time-zone, telling him how terrible it is to have to stay sober for a concert. Louis guarantees him he’ll be able to get smashed afterwards and tells him to complain to Niall up until then, and finally resumes his tasks at hand.

           

            When the clock hits five thirty pm, he’s already been on two Skype meetings and three phone calls and he’s about to give in to Jeff and Harry’s offer and request a secretary for himself. Cameron has one and she seems to make his life a lot easier, and without Niall here to help him, Louis finds he’s way more tired than he used to be, and it’s still day one without the Irishman. He makes it a mental note and starts saving things on his computer so he can finally go home when an email pops up on the screen.

            **So happy for you and my baby brother again. I saw you looking at him on his birthday. I just knew!!! Mom is gonna flip when you guys tell her, she was proper sad H wasn’t the one you were kissing at the party—not that you kissed Aiden much. ANYWAY. I’m happy. When do I start scouting venues for your wedding? Can I buy baby clothes already? DATES, LOUIS, LET ME KNOW ABOUT THE DATES.**

**Going to LA for a meeting in a few days. See you then. Drinks on you.**

**Gems.**

            Louis smiles and types a quick reply, full of love and humor. He’s missed her. They grew up playing with each other almost as much as he and Harry, and if Louis were straight, he might’ve fallen for her. Or not. He and Gemma are too much alike, Anne always used to say.

            When he and Harry started dating, instead of going into possessive and protective sister-mode, Gemma was the one to drag Anne and Robin out of the house so they’d could be alone. She’d lie for Harry when Harry couldn’t lie for shit and she’d convince her mother it was always a good idea for them to go camping by themselves – but that was also because _she_ wanted to take her boyfriend at the time along.

            When Louis’ sisters started growing up and he had no idea of how to talk them through it, even though they thought he should just because he was _gay_ (laughable, really, and thank God everyone’s well educated right now!), Gemma was the one who helped him – and the girls. She’s always been as much part of his family as Harry and, obviously, himself.

            Louis has missed her a lot. Louis has missed every single detail about his life as Harry’s boyfriend, as part of Harry’s family, and he is so happy that he gets to do it all again and with no expiration date that it makes his jaw hurt with how much he smiles dumbly alone in his office.

            He then proceeds to finally turn everything off and grab his things so he can go to Harry’s room and let him know he’s leaving. Maybe Harry will be leaving too and they can go out for dinner before going to their houses. Plus, there’s something that’s been bothering Louis since he spoke to Jeff earlier that he should probably address to before it becomes bigger in his brain.

           

            “Hey, Lou”, he smiles at Louise who is currently sitting on her desk painting her own nails. “Good to know you’re doing your job”, Louis mocks.

            They’ve become great acquaintances over the last few months, eating lunch together in the office kitchen every now and then and all, and even though they’ve never met outside the company walls, Louis likes to believe they’re on a joke with each other level of friendship.

            “My working hours are done, Louis, give me a break”, she rolls her eyes.

            “You’re almost on my level of sassiness, Louise, I like that!” He teases.

            “Oh please, I’m so above you on that scale…” Lou laughs and it’s his turn to roll his eyes. “Harry’s inside, he was on a phone call with Christina Aguilera, I guess, but it must be over by now- they were at it for an hour last time I checked.”

            “Oh. D’you need to announce me?” He asks a bit confused.

            “Have I _ever_ needed to _announce_ you, Louis?” She asks in delight. “Just go in, knowing that knobhead he’ll hang up on her just to say hi to you.”

            Louis can’t help the stupid grin that spreads on his face. Oh well. He’s in love. They’re in love. It’s mutual. They’ve discussed it. He’s allowed to be cheerful over the smallest stuff. (Not that Harry hanging up on _Christina Aguilera_ is small, but- you get it.)

            “See you, Lou”, he says and waits for her to wave and smile before walking towards Harry’s room.

 

            “I’m sure we can sort this out without involving the press—yeah, of course”, Harry is saying, still on the phone, but smiles as soon as he sees Louis entering the room.

            Harry is sat on his chair behind the desk and Louis instantly wants to kiss him. He looks around and sees that Jeff is no longer in his office and neither is Cameron, Louise is too concentrated on her own nails with her back to them and apart from Miss Aguilera on the other line, there’s no one here to witness it if Louis arouses Harry just a little bit, right?

            Because the thing is, apart from everything else that’s been on his mind today, Harry’s dick has been the protagonist of his thoughts. Its shape, and taste and heaviness still linger on his tongue and Louis _needs_ it, _needs_ Harry and it’s about time he gets what he wants. Never mind it’s been hours since he last had it, he wants more.

            So he walks towards him with a smirk on his face. They are going to talk, still, about what Louis wants to talk, and they probably won’t even do anything here, it’s not possible, glass walls and all that, but he sure as hell can make him squirm in his sophisticated chair while he’s trying to solve a problem.

            “No, for that we’d need to gather the lawyers and schedule a meeting-” Harry keeps saying while he eyes Louis suspiciously. Louis, who is lowering his upper body by Harry’s side so his mouth’s aligned to Harry’s ear – the one in which the phone isn’t, of course.

            Louis inspects his face for a few seconds before deciding where to begin, and finally makes up his mind, moving one hand to the back of the chair so he can support himself and the other to Harry’s chest, tracing his fingers lightly in between the buttons of Harry’s shirt so he can be in contact with his skin and then bites lightly on his earlobe; it’s the smallest of the nibbles, but Harry’s body goes rigid with it.

            Harry closes his eyes as if he’s trying to focus on the conversation and throws his head back, resting on Louis’ forearm on the chair. Louis likes this, has always loved it, to be honest. He remembers wanking Harry under the table at the diner they used to go at night because it stayed open 24/7 and he’d always try and make him hard when their friends were around. He was the luckiest person because Harry complied with his exhibition kink and even though there is no one _watching_ , there’s somebody hearing it – and it feels like the old days, but much, much better.

            Harry is super-hot, is the thing.  Louis has obviously always found him attractive, especially when he began to leave his baby-phase behind, when he went from kitten-cute to sex on legs, but now Harry is a _man_. Now Harry doesn’t have soft edges and images from this morning start to swirl in Louis’ mind as he drags his hand from Harry’s chest to his stomach and hips, remembering how his tongue traced his hipbones and navel, how he felt like the world stopped spinning when he started at Harry’s abs, how fucking turned on he was by the _sight_ of him.

            Louis wishes he could rip Harry’s clothes off right now. He keeps roaming his fingers through Harry’s body while the other man stutters nonsensical words to one of America’s greatest singer and Louis breathes heavily into his ear, letting his tongue trace along its outer ridge-

            “Ok, I need to go”, Harry says louder, a high-pitched noise to his tone and Louis titters out of satisfaction. “I’ll—I’ll talk to you, hm, later, _no_ , tomorrow.”

            Harry’s starting to be out of it and Louis knows he should stop, mainly because _he_ is getting aroused by what he’s doing to the other man. But then he hears the woman speaking even faster on the other side, and _really_ , he wants Harry’s attention, it’s six in the evening, so he squeezes Harry’s left inner thigh and caresses his hair, not pulling, just running his fingers through it.

            “I know, I know- we can come up with a- _ah_ plan”, Harry forces out the last words when he feels Louis fingers tracing the way towards his crotch. “I really need to go now, Christina, but I’ll call you first thing tomorrow and we’ll solve this problem, ok, bye”, he hangs up and- “ _I fucking hate you_ ”, Harry says, pulling Louis by the hand and making him sit on his lap.

            Louis notices two things now: 1) Harry’s at least half hard. 2) He is too.

            “ _I hate that I’m not fucking you_ ”, Louis replies easily, indecent smile on his lips. Harry tightens his grip on Louis’s waist.

            “Whose fault is that?” Harry asks _as if_ it were Louis’s.

            “Christina Aguilera’s, clearly”, Louis snorts. “And whoever decided it’d be a good idea for this office to have not-tinted fucking glass walls”, he complains.

            “Would you be fucking me right now on that couch if we had proper walls then?” Harry asks in his ear, tracing an open mouthed kiss to his jaw right after it.

            Louis only throws his head back for two seconds (or minutes) and lets him get away with it before he can think of a response.

            “No, I’d be asking you why Jeff doesn’t know about us yet… But I guess I can do that with glass walls as well”, he replies cheekily and gets up, but before Harry thinks he is actually mad, he kisses him briefly on the lips.

            “Hm… What?” Harry frowns, turning his chair so he’s facing Louis who is standing up by its side.

            “I received a visit this morning”, Louis tells him. “Jeff told me not to mess with you and I was wondering… Why didn’t you tell him?”

            “Lou I-”

            “It’s okay that you didn’t… As long as it wasn’t because of me?” He questions.

            “I didn’t know”, Harry shrugs and looks down, biting his bottom lip. Louis as the terrible person he is, is more focused on the way his already plumb lips turn even redder than the fact that Harry’s a bit insecure talking about this. “Last week I was as happy as I was confused, yeah?! Niall just- _knew_ , of course, because he’s Niall, but- I don’t know. And then this morning you said we should keep a low profile, so I-”

            “Oh, Harold, you idiot”, Louis rolls his eyes and gets closer to him, holding his hand. “Come up here, babe”, he says and pulls Harry to stand up. “Keeping a low profile means not snogging my face off in front of my ex fiancé- it doesn’t mean you should keep us a secret. Harry, hey-” he makes him look into his eyes. “I am so fucking proud to call you my boyfriend, yeah? And I want you to be able to do that too. Tell everyone, hell, make an announcement, throw a party and invite all of your friends, put it on facebook-”

            “We don’t have facebook”, Harry interrupts him.

            “Whatever. Do you get what I’m saying?”

            “That I can tell my friends about us?” The curly man replies, a small smile tugging on the corner of his lips, dimple starting to appear.

            “That you can tell anyone and everyone about us. We’re doing this, H.”

            “Thank you”, Harry pulls him on a hug and Louis chuckles over his shoulder. Only Harry would _thank_ him for being in a relationship.

            “You don’t have to thank me, you idiot. I love you”, Louis mutters over his shoulder, affection clear in his voice.

            “I love you too”, Harry replies and kisses is neck. “You smell good”, he praises.

            “I smell like someone who’s showered before five in the fucking morning”, he retorts and snorts, but Harry only hugs him tighter.

            “You smell like you”, he affirms. “And like you’re _mine_ ”, he then points. Louis is on board with it. “You smell good.”

            Harry presses and kisses his neck again. It starts innocent, just a close mouthed peck under his ear, but then Harry presses there again, and then leaves another on his jaw, and on the third time he lingers less than an inch from Louis’ neck, exhaling hot breaths into it and wetting his lips _just_ _right_ before pressing them on Louis’s sensitive skin again.

            Louis releases a heavy breath as Harry’s open lips suck on his neck, tongue soothing his graze every time he bites a bit more just so he can suck again, gripping tightly on Louis’ hips.

            “I have to agree with you”, Harry whispers, mouth aligned with Louis’s throat. He swallows with difficulty. “Whoever thought it’d be a good idea to have glass walls—” he continues, alternating his words with small kisses and nibbles, hands moving to cup Louis’s ass and bring him closer, their crotches barely touching still. “—is a right prick”, Harry laughs hoarsely, moving his lips to the corner of Louis’ mouth, “because if it weren’t for it… I’d be on my knees behind you right now-”

            “Harry”, Louis whimpers trying to stop him and wonders where his voice has gone.

            “ _—_ I’d get on my knees and take your pants off so damn slowly that you’d curse before I even got my hands on you.” Louis knows where he’s going with it, and he actually already wants to curse twelve different generations of three different families just by imagining it, “- and I’d eat you out so, _so_ good, Lou”, he whispers, voice croaky going straight to Louis’ pulsating dick. “I’d spread your cheeks with my hand and massage them while doing so—and I’d blow hot air into you just before I licked you—”

            “H—” he warns, stumbling forward and letting his hard on press on Harry’s thigh.

            “You’d bend forward right on this desk-” he keeps saying, hands actually massaging Louis’s bum while he lets Louis rub on his thigh.

            Louis is _so_ embarrassingly turned on that he has no idea of how he’ll leave this office if Louise is still out there, because he is fairly sure it’s very, very visible. Harry stops talking just so they can kiss, and it’s every bit as desperate as Louis is feeling. He moans into Harry’s mouth as he begins to ride his leg in the middle of this _glass_ room, telling himself he cannot _come_ here and now, but doing _nothing_ to stop himself from it.

            “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Lou?” Harry asks when they barely break apart and moves his face to the other side of Louis’s neck, French kissing it up until he gets to his earlobe, “wouldn’t you?” Harry asks again.

            “Yes”, Louis manages to say, desperate for release.

            Harry helps him pulling him impossibly closer, making him move in thrust-motions on his thigh.

            “I know you would-- I remember how much you love to be eaten out, ‘s the only thing I didn’t let myself forget”, Harry confesses. _His voice._ Louis is going to come. “I love it too- the feeling of being buried in you, getting my face all messy for you—” the other man continues, only stopping for one small moan when Louis pulls his hair extra forcefully.

            Louis is pulling Harry’s hair like it’s a life-line, because he needs something _solid._ His legs are useless by now.

            “… If it weren’t for these walls, I’d have you in heaven right now- or hell, who knows- I’d eat you so, _so_ good-- I’d make you scream before you came- with my tongue and two fingers deep-” Louis comes. With no warning whatsoever, his body just gives him the release it’s needed and he throws his head forward, resting it on Harry’s shoulder as one of Harry’s hands moves up to his neck, massaging it lightly as he comes down from his high.

            “I- you—” Louis pants in his neck, “ _fuck_ , Harry”, he whines.

            “We will, love”, Harry assures him, a smug smile on his face. Louis kisses him just so he’ll shut up.

 

-

 

            “I need a shower, I’m disgusting”, is the first thing that Louis says as soon as they enter Harry’s flat.

            It was an unspoken agreement that they’d head to the same place after what happened. If Harry doesn’t get fucked tonight, he is going to throw a fit. Or die of a severe case of blue balls, whatever happens first.

            “Good thing I have three bathrooms”, Harry says cheekily and then proceeds to take off his shoes. “Are we having dinner?”

            “Are you cooking?” Louis asks back arching an eyebrow.

            “Well, do I have a choice?”

            “Of course you do”, he rolls his eyes. “This is a twenty-first century relationship, Harold, you have choices here too. We can eat your food or starve to death…” He shrugs and Harry has an enormous urge to hug him. He does because he can. Louis laughs.

            And just that, a hug and a laugh, makes Harry’s insides melt. It’s all Harry’s ever wanted from Louis: closeness and happiness. He’s got it.

            “Take-out is out of the question why…?” He teases, kissing Louis’ cheek while he pretends to try and get out of his embrace.

            “Because I refuse to eat restaurant food when I have you; d’you know _how_ long I’ve gone without your cooking, Styles?” Luis slaps him lightly.

            “Yeah, I do”, he replies trapping his bottom lip with his teeth. Louis thumb is right there in less than a second.

            “Hey, none of that”, Louis says, making Harry part his lips slightly and making the tip of Louis’ finger slip into his mouth- honestly, does Louis think he won’t bite it? “Ouch”, he fake-complains. “I’m gonna shower, yeah?”

            “Yes, boyfriend, you can go shower and _I_   will cook you a meal”, Harry tells him, finally letting him go.

            “Which one of your _three_ bathrooms shall I use?”

            “The one in my room, of course”, it’s Harrys turn to roll his eyes.    

            He walks Louis to his bedroom and doesn’t let his eyes linger on the bed or they won’t make it for a couple more hours. He knows Louis needs a shower and honestly he does too, after dinner- which he needs to prepare. Yep. _No eyes on the bed. Show Louis the bathroom._

            Louis only half-mocks him for having such a posh flat, but only because it isn’t the first time he comes here. It definitely won’t be the last. If it were up to Harry, Louis would never leave this place again, and he’s not above keeping him hostage.

 

            When he’s made sure his boyfriend is all sorted with bathroom toiletries and clothes, he takes off his own shirt and puts it in the hamper, congratulating himself for not getting distracted by Louis taking off his own clothes, and makes his way back to the kitchen where he’ll start a simple combination of roast beef and mashed potatoes, because he doesn’t want to waste time cooking tonight.

            Harry opens one of his favorite wines and lets it breathe, hoping Louis will like it as much as he does. Back when they were together they’d rarely drink wine and it’d usually be the cheapest one they could find to whoever would sell them with Harry still being underage.

            Harry laughs remembering his eighteenth birthday and how he told Anne he’d be the one to go to the store and buy it, because he was finally able to, and then she looked at him wanting to laugh but at the same time apologetically. Louis had been organizing a surprise party for him and had already bought all the alcohol they needed.

           

            It’s twenty minutes later that Louis comes out of the shower, smelling and looking even _more_ like Harry’s – Harry’s body wash, Harry’s shampoo, in Harry’s clothes and his heart skips a few beats seeing him like this, hair disheveled and all.

            “I love you”, he spurts before he can help himself and then shakes his head, smiling like an idiot.

            “I love you too”, Louis says and comes behind him, hugging him tightly and then softly pushing Harry’s long hair to the side, peppering his neck with feathery-like kisses that tingle and make Harry thank every god in every possible universe for this moment right here. “Your hair’s so long, love”, he murmurs, hands caressing his side.

            “Should I get it cut?” He asks equally quietly, not wanting to disturb this moment, turning his face slightly to the side, but still paying attention to the stove.

            “No. I love it. It suits you.”

            “Thank you”, he smiles and sags into him again. It’s disgustingly cute how Harry finishes cooking exactly in this position, moving only when it’s extremely necessary.

           

            They eat sitting across from each other, ankles hooked under the table and not many words – apart from Louis’ praises and obnoxious moans – being exchanged; they’re just enjoying each other’s presence at the moment, because this doesn’t feel like a first date and neither should it. They’ve been soulmates since the day they first saw each other, they were always meant to be here, they were always meant to be together.

            Between Louis and Harry, there is no space for meaningless or awkward conversations. There is no space for trying to make the other act a certain way. Between Louis and Harry there’s only comfort, there’s only love, there’s only the complete certainty that from now on it’ll be the two of them against the world.

            “What are you thinking about?” Louis asks Harry and only then Harry realizes he stopped eating.

            “You”, he replies easily and watches him beaming. “Us.”

            “What about us?”

            “We’re- we’re right”, he shrugs. “You really are the best thing that’s ever happened to my life, Louis.”

            “Really?” He arches a brow. “Better than the millions you’re making right now? Than this flat? Than th-”

            “Better than everything”, Harry cuts him off. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, he repeats.

            “You’re the best thing that happened to me too”, Louis tells him catching his hand over the table. “The second best is this wine, but you’re still on top!” He jokes.

            Harry cackles, because of course he does.

            “Well, for tonight I think I’d rather you on top to be honest…”

            “Cheeky.”

            “Always.”

            “Go shower, H—I’ll put the dishes in the machine and put away what we didn’t use…” Louis says already getting up. 

            “I can do it”, Harry argues.

            “Go”, Louis kisses his cheek and takes a plate from him. “The sooner you go and let me get done with this, the sooner we can get to bed.”

            “Romantic”, Harry says it to tease him but doesn’t even stay to hear Louis’s reply, running towards his ensuite and taking his trousers off in the process.

            He decides against washing his hair, because he knows it’ll get sweaty again and he’ll have to do it afterwards. The only reason he’s even showering right now and not after they have sex is because he needs to reenergize and he knows he feels way more comfortable when he’s sure he’s clean, even if, back then, they wouldn’t care about anything else other than being as close to each other as fast as they could – it being after a long hot shower or a sweaty football match.

            Harry isn’t nervous, per se, he’s more like… Anxious. He knows Louis, he trusts Louis, he knows how good it’ll be. It’s just that it’s been a long time and even though he’s been back in the _gay game_ , he knows nobody else will compare to Louis. Plus, Harry’s good at sex, he knows that, but he’s never cared about being _perfect_ to other people, he’s never felt the _need_ to _please_ someone as much as he did, _does_ with Louis.

            His brain is a bit dizzy with the possibilities of the night already. His dick is twitching again after being so damn aroused hours later and he doesn’t even pay attention to it, because he wants _Louis_ to – he wants everything from laughter to body worship, and as he rubs the soap on his body he feels himself getting hard just by _thinking_ about it and finishes the shower quicker than intended, closing the tap and stepping out of the box.

            He wraps a towel around his waist and brushes his teeth when he hears a soft knock on the door. He hums something that he swears means _come in_ , mouth full of toothpaste, and Louis steps in.

            “Dishes are done”, he tells him. “Holy fuck, Harry Styles, your body!” He comments, seeing Harry’s torso in the mirror. “I’m gonna have wet dreams about you”, Louis jokes.

            “Good thing I’ll be there to get you off when you wake up”, he says after he spits in the sink and proceeds to wash his mouth.

            “D’you have a spare toothbrush?” Louis asks and Harry points to the marble surface, where he left a blue one especially for him.

            Louis eyes Harry’s green one before speaking of course.

            “You’re _so_ cute at times that I don’t know what to do with you”, he says almost squirming, like he truly does not know how to proceed. Harry loves him, wants him, worships him, _adores_ him, to the ends of the earth and back, just so he can make it to the moon then. He keeps that in mind to tell Louis later.

            “Just brush your damn teeth”, Harry chuckles drying his mouth.

            Louis does so and when he finishes he keeps looking in the mirror. Harry knows he’s admiring the image of them both together. It’s so much of the same. Of course their bodies are different, their faces are more mature. But their expressions… Their expressions match what they looked like 9 years prior.

            And the thing is- Harry _feels_ nine years younger. He feels _so_ much, he feels everything. He feels like the world could burn outside and he wouldn’t even notice or care. He feels like nothing is more important than Louis right now. He feels like he needs to be with him in every and any way possible, because there isn’t a universe in which he’d be okay without Louis. He doesn’t know how he managed to get over him once, but he knows exactly why he fell for him again.

            Harry always knew he loved Louis, he knew it when they first met, he knew it when they first saw each other again almost a year ago now. He fell for Louis knowing Louis is his oldest, dearest friend. The kind of person he’s always been able to confide, to be himself, no matter how bad it got, no matter how bad _he_ got, because Louis has always been the kind of person who would love Harry through it all, in spite of it all, at times, _because_ of it all. Because Louis _knows_ Harry.

            Harry fell for Louis again because he’s always been this way towards Louis as well. And this time around he didn’t rest before he could make Louis _notice_ him again. He wanted to be noticed, and when Louis finally _saw_ him, instead of just looking at him, Louis knew it too. It’s silly how it all turned out to be so simple when what Harry feels is so, so far from it.

           

            Louis finishes brushing his teeth and Harry’s still thinking about them. Louis turns around and Harry’s still thinking about them. Louis backs Harry against the wall and Harry’s still thinking about them. Harry is always, always and forever thinking about them.

            Louis kisses him right then. There’s no need to keep playing around each other, they know they need it. They need the closeness, they need their bodies intertwined, and they need to _feel_ each other again. Harry doesn’t think that a day has passed since he realized he wanted to be with men again that he didn’t think about _Louis’_ dick inside of him.

            Louis moves his lips against Harry’s and Harry goes pliant instantly, because of course he does, and Louis takes it as an opportunity to place a firm grip on each side of Harry’s hips, making his back go flush against the wall – much like he did against the fridge earlier today – and leave his neck exposed to him when his head hits the white tiles on the wall.

            He kisses from Harry’s mouth to his jaw and then his throat, never stopping or lingering, just sucking and licking at different spots, knowing how much Harry wants to be marked and not giving it to him. Harry never liked when people claimed him, never liked getting love bites from anyone that wasn’t Louis – because Louis is the only person Harry allows to actually _have_ him.

            “D’you think that stunt you pulled on me earlier ‘s gonna be left unpunished, Harry?” Louis asks harshly into his skin, “tell me”.

            “I ho— _ah_ , I hope not”, he answers when Louis teeth graze his collarbones, thumbs pressing so hard on each side of his hips that they’ll certainly leave bruises. _Yes_.

            “You _hope_ not?” The other man asks and smirks, “well I’m glad I can fulfill your expectations while doing the same to mine”, he whispers in Harry’s ear and catches his earlobe with his teeth, biting hard and making Harry moan loudly, sensation going straight to his cock.

            Everything that Louis does is now harsh and forceful, just like Harry likes it. He keeps leaving bruises on his upper torso and pinning him to the wall, not letting Harry properly touch him apart from hands on his shoulders so he can balance himself. And although it’s rough, Louis takes his time.

            Harry’s mind is swirling by the time the other man’s hands stop gripping him and start roaming on his lower stomach, Louis’ barely-there nails scratching under his navel and playing with the towel, threatening to take it off but never doing so.

            “You look _so_ beautiful, Harry”, Louis whispers into his chest, “so, so, so beautiful—you’re the most beautiful person I have ever seen”, he says while he trails wet kisses from one side to the other, always near but never _on_ his nipples.

            “You—you too, Lou”, he says the best he can, eyes closed. “You’re- _Lou_ ”, he moans when Louis’ tongue flick over his right nipple, making it go even more rigid instantly. And he doesn’t stop.

            He finally takes Harry’s towel off while he bites hard on him, working on the other nip with his thumb and forefinger, his free hand going straight to Harry’s ass and squeezing it way harder than what just teasing feels like.

            “I wanna give you everything…”, Louis trails, kissing up to his neck again and then placing his mouth close to this ear, tongue tracing the outer ridge and then going back to biting on his earlobe, hands never stopping, _God has Harry missed this_ , missed being used, missed not having to do a thing and still feel like he’s doing everything right. “It’s too bad you don’t deserve it right now.”

            With no warning, like he _loves_ when it happened, Louis palm hits one of his asscheeks, making Harry half-scream in surprise and throw his head back again, mouth agape, eyes squeezing shut.

            “Louis.”

            “You’ve missed this, haven’t you?” Another slap echoes in the quiet room, “you’ve missed this _so_ much I can tell by how hard you are, love”, he snorts and slaps again, and again.

            Harry’s bum is hot but everything else is too. He’s pretty sure his chest is flushed and all the blood that isn’t in his dick has accumulated in his cheeks as well and while he feels his ass burn with every slap Louis places there, not in the best of positions, he also feels so, so much pleasure that he wishes he could scream to the universe how _great_ this moment is. Louis thinks he’s punishing, but he’s giving him all he could ever want.

            “Such a kinky bastard, you are”, Louis tells him massaging both of his asscheeks in his hand, mouth on the corner of Harry’s lips. “I’ve missed it too, I’ve missed you”, he says and kisses him again, open mouthed and half sloppy half perfect, tongues sliding together quickly and deeply, both of them fighting for control and Louis eventually, obviously winning.

            It’s when Harry’s cock is about to fall off that Harry mumbles _bed_ into Louis’s mouth, but Louis doesn’t move.

            “Bed, Lou, _please_ ”, he says and his knees buckle. He can’t stand anymore, his legs are wobbly and Louis’ hands and mouth are everywhere and he needs to lie down because his mind’s foggy, because he’s hard, because he’s _so hard_ he could cry, but also explode – perhaps both at the same time.

            “You go to bed”, Louis says and steps back. “You wanna go do bed?” He asks. “Go to bed then, it’s your bed, you know the way”, he tilts his head towards the room and opens the bathroom door wider.

            “ _Louis._ ”

            “Lie down, flat on your back, head hanging in the air”, Louis orders. “I won’t say it again, Harry.”

            So Harry obeys. He walks even though he doesn’t fully trust his limbs right now and, as fast as he can, he reaches the bed. He should be surprised that the duvet is pulled down and the pillows are positioned the exact way Louis used to put them, but he isn’t, he just accepts it as a fact that when they’re being like this, Louis is, has always been and always will be _his_ Louis, the one who takes care of him, who knows what he needs, who will be there through every step of the way.

            He lies on the bed and lets his head hang in the air, just like Louis told him to. He feels the blood going straight to his brain and he feels it getting heavier and heavier. He also feels his dick pulsating against his stomach and he has half a mind not to touch it, but Louis didn’t _say_ anything, so he wraps his right hand around his shaft, instantaneously feeling relief, biting on his bottom lip and dragging his fingers lazily to the tip so he can spread the pr-

            “Did I tell you you could touch yourself?” Louis asks loudly and sharply. Harry’s eyes snap open, seeing the man behind him naked and _so_ hard and big and thick getting closer and closer to him.

            “You didn’t say I couldn’t”, Harry would’ve been _cheeky_ if he hadn’t been trying so hard to defend himself.

            “It should have been implied, Harry”, Louis says and pulls on his hair adjusting his head the way he wants to.

            His forehead is right under Louis’ groin and he’ll probably go cross-eyed if he keeps looking up like this, but it’s been _so_ long since he’s _seen_ Louis’ dick and it’s just _right_ there, he can’t not look. He also wants to taste it. He’s pretty sure Louis will let him if he plays his cards right, by the position he’s in right now.

            “You’ve clearly forgotten your manners as well”, Louis talks down to him. “Didn’t I hit you enough? Do you need proper spanking?” Harry’s eyes flutter shut at this, because he almost came minutes ago in the bathroom, and just the thought of having Louis’ harsh hand against the soft skin of his ass makes his body tremble again, but he refrains from answering, trying his best to stay still while Louis fists into his curls, “or do you just need to shut the fuck up?” He asks, tugging on Harry’s curls and making him wail at the feeling of Louis’ dick against his cheek.

            “Close your mouth, love”, Louis tells him and- isn’t that counterproductive?

            Harry does it without hesitation.

            At first he only feels the tip of Louis’s cock on his lips. One of the man’s hand is in his hair but the other is guiding his shaft so he’s simply smearing precome across Harry’s lip, letting him taste but not letting him suck and if that isn’t _the worst_ most unpleasant punishment in Harry’s book he doesn’t know what it is.

            Getting to have Louis’ dick inside his mouth is like having fresh air in his lungs, even if it means the complete opposite, since he barely breathes with all of _that_ down his throat.

            Louis doesn’t speak much for a few seconds, but he’s breathing heavily and it’s difficult for him to control himself as well, especially because he _loves_ the way Harry gives head, always so eager, always so open to taking him down, always wanting more, and more, and more.

            “You want to eat me out, huh?” He asks breathily in a low tone. Harry feels the precome down his chin and cheeks, he feels the head of Louis dick pressing harder on his upper lip, the smell of him invading his nostrils but and he dares to poke his tongue out the exact moment Louis starts speaking again, “you wan _\- fuck_ ”, he says. “Be good”, he tugs on his hair. “You don’t get to eat me out while you still haven’t learned not to rile me up the way you did, Harry”, he warns. “Open your mouth.”  

            Harry doesn’t need to be told twice, he opens it as wide as he can and Louis lets his head fall completely back, hitting the side of the mattress. Harry’s eyes are fixated on Louis’ toned thighs, but when he finally inserts his dick in Harry’s mouth, all the way down in one go, Harry’s eyes squeeze shut again.

            Louis stays there much like he does when he’s fucking Harry’s ass – still, waiting for him to expand enough to be comfortable to take him, and he softly caresses the hair on Harry’s nape. Only when he is sure Harry is able to do it he pulls on his hair again, warning that he’s about to begin.

            Harry hollows his cheeks as Louis pulls back and the older guy breathes a string of _fucks_ when he thrusts once more and feels his head hit the back of Harry’s throat.

            “So- _so_ good for me, _fuck_.” _Always_ , Harry thinks, _always good for you_.      

            Louis is heavy on his tongue and Harry flattens it so there’s an easier slide. With each thrust he grabs harder on the sheets by his side, aware he can’t touch himself but dying to do so. The other man keeps going. And if Louis is loud normally, he only lets out small whimpers during sex, driving Harry insane whenever he hears them – and it’s hard to hear them when his ears seem full and his head is fuzzy and there is nothing but the ridiculously good feeling of choking on a dick.

            It’s not a normal occurrence to him and he is not sure he would enjoy it with anyone else – he never wanted to try to. But with Louis… With Louis it has always been like this. He’s squirming by the time Louis takes his dick out of his mouth completely and he whines in discontentment, but notices Louis only did that so Harry would have little bit more of freedom in sucking him.

            Harry rolls on the bed and hisses when his cock gets trapped between his stomach and the mattress, but pays himself no attention when he pulls Louis by the back of his thighs, kissing the head of his cock again and this time sucking like he _wants_ to, applying as much pressure as he knows Louis loves, kissing down his shaft until he hits his balls and back again, just so he can swirl his tongue around the head again.

            “ _Fuck, Harry, shit- you’re- fuck_ ”, Louis chants with his head thrown back, hands on Harry’s hair and shoulder. “What you do to me, I swear to God- _shit, shit FUCK—STOP_ ”, he kind of screams and Harry smiles around Louis satisfied with himself. He goes down on him again and risks squeezing Louis’s ass; he doesn’t complain, just tugs harder on a strand that falls loosely on Harry’s forehead, making the younger man moan around him, _“H- stop,_ now”, he says and pulls back.

            Harry understands him and lies flat on his back again, this time with his head rested on a pillow. He opens his legs so Louis can finally – _fucking finally_ – climb on the bed and fit between them, climbing over his body and kissing him fiercely and deeply. One of Harry’s legs goes up so he’s half-hugging Louis with it and the other man squeezes his outer thigh in his hand, fucking his mouth with his tongue and swallowing every single one of Harry’s moans.

            “I love you”, Louis then says quietly to his mouth. “I love you and I’ve missed you.”

            “I lo- _Lou._ I love you too”, he tells him. “Please fuck me, I’m dying.” He pleads. He’s done his part, he’s obeyed, he’s deserved it, hasn’t he?

            “Just because you asked nicely”, Louis tries to smirk but is kissed instead, and goes along with it for God-knows how long, before he trails kisses down Harry’s neck and collarbones again, licking on his chest and going to his so-long-forgotten nipples one more time.

            Harry’s legs fall open butterfly style and Louis continues kissing him, tips of his fingers trailing Harry’s shoulders and arms, taking his hands and putting them in his own hair. Harry caresses it and tugs every now and then, only when Louis bites on his buds. He’s _electrified_ , is the thing. His cock is about as hard as it gets and he already feels like coming even if he hasn’t been fucked yet – this can’t happen, this isn’t right.

            Louis kisses down his chest and swirls his tongue around his navel once more, and then looks up to Harry through his long eyelashes, a deadly smile on his face.

            “Suck”, he says. It’s less harsh but it’s still an order, and Harry’s only got time to open his lips again when two of Louis fingers snuck into his mouth. They moan basically in sync when Louis bites Harry’s inner thigh and Harry bites Louis’ fingers, so he removes them from there and places them between Harry’s legs. “Breathe for me, love”, Louis says. Usually, he’d insert both of those fingers without asking Harry a single thing, but he knows it’s been a long time for them, and he wants to make this as special and amazing as it can be.

            Part of why Harry trusts him so much, trusts him _the most_ , is because he just knows, without a shadow of a doubt, how mindful Louis is.

            Harry does as he is told. Even though he doesn’t need to _relax_ any more, he breathes in through his nose and exhales through his mouth and Louis sees the exact moment he is ready, because the tip of his finger brushes on Harry’s rim and _that_ \-- _that_ is _exactly_ what he’s been craving for forever.

            “ _More_ ”, Harry requests when Louis doesn’t go past the first knuckle of his middle finger.

            “You’re not the one who gets to be demanding here, thought you didn’t need a reminder”, Louis says, retracting his finger completely.

            “I’m sorry, Louis- _fucking please I need you I, SHIT_ ”, he swears when Louis inserts his finger all the way down in one go. “I- I’m.”

            “I’ve got you”, his boyfriend says and his eyes are serene now. He attaches his mouth do one of Harry’s balls and Harry wails at it, because it’s in the exact same moment he starts moving his finger. It doesn’t take long till Louis puts the other one by its side; he doesn’t warn, he doesn’t ask permission, he just does it, because he knows Harry is ready, because he knows Harry.

            There’s a thick layer of sweat already on Harry’s stomach and he can feel his hair getting damper by the second. There’s Louis’ never-stopping fingers fucking him in and out at a crazy pace and there’s Louis’ mouth alternating small bites on his inner thighs.

            Harry _knows_ people describe sex experiences as seeing stars or whatever, but he witnesses the universe expanding each time Louis hits his prostate and bites down at the same time on the sensitive skin of his leg; sex with Louis isn’t just seeing stars, sex with Louis is believing that some things can feel otherworldly right here on earth.

            “I’m ready”, he lets the other man know even though _he_ knows _Louis_ knows and is just teasing by now.

            “Where d’you keep the lube? And condoms?” He asks taking his fingers off of him and climbing his body to kiss him again.

            “Wish I could be this huge cliché and tell you it’s on my bedside drawer…” Harry trails smiling softly, Louis’ hand holding his face and kissing him right after he finishes. “But it’s in the bathroom, third drawer under the sink.

            “Clichés are overrated anyway”, Louis laughs lightly and kisses him once again before he moves to get out of bed.

            Harry knows better than to touch himself right now, so he just takes deep, deep breaths while he stares at the ceiling and feels his head getting a bit clearer, now that Louis is acting more lovey-dovey with him and not so demanding.

            Louis comes back rather quickly and climbs on the bed again, throwing a condom by the side of Louis’ head and using his teeth to open the small package that’s in one of his hands. Louis has always been a proper show-off when it came to these things. (And every other thing too.)

            “How d’you want me?” He asks when Louis opens the condom.

            “It’s a big deal for you—for us and I’m- I’m feeling generous”, he says lightly, his lips curving up to a smile. “I’ll let you decide. Tonight”, Louis warns.

            “I just want to see you”, Harry voices before Louis changes his mind.

            “All right then”, he agrees easily and grabs the condom.

            “Can I put it on you?”

            “I like that you’re relearning your manners pretty quickly”, Louis compliments and Harry’s heart beats faster.

            Harry gets on his knees on the bed then and gets closer to Louis, who’s across from him in the same position and takes the condom from him, pinching the end of it and sliding it down Louis’ length. The other man reaches for the lube and hands it to Harry, who eagerly squeezes it on his hand, grabbing Louis’s cock and coating the gel on it until it’s warm and until he has Louis’ breathing unevenly, mouth slightly open.

            “I think- I think that’s enough, Harry”, he says replacing Harry’s hand with his own, squeezing the base, and then kisses Harry square on the mouth.

            Harry lies back again and opens his legs once more, _so so so_ happy. Things have naturally slowed down and he is glad it’s happened, that he’s not too out of it that he’ll get to enjoy every second of having Louis inside of him again after such a long time.

            “You ready?” Louis asks when he’s laid down on Harry’s chest, enough that they’re touching, but not so much that his weight his pinning him down. Harry _loves_ him.

            Harry nods in agreement and brings his legs up, knowing Louis will want to throw them over his shoulders at some point and his boyfriend holds one of them while he guides his dick to Harry’s entrance. It’s everything he could ever ask for and more.

            “Lou—” he whines in anticipation, the tip of Louis’ dick playing with his asshole just like it had with his lips. “ _Louis_ ”, Harry whines again, louder this time and Louis shuts him up with a kiss, guiding his cock slowly but steadily into him, letting out a relived breath when he finally bottoms out.

            “ _So. Tight”_ , he voices then in Harry’s ear.

            Harry can almost hear Louis’s and his own heart beating, so fast they are. There’s this thrumming noise in his ear and he needs Louis to move before it gets too fucking much, but he isn’t able to voice anything because he doesn’t want to instigate Louis to tease anymore. He needs it now and he needs it to be _raw_ , _rough, intimate_ – like only the two of them can make it be.

            Louis starts with short and unerring thrusts, making Harry’s eyes roll to the back of his head in the first minute of their fucking. He isn’t complaining, not at all.

            _Few_ things in life are as hot as men moaning, Harry’s always thought. But _nothing_ will ever compare to the hot breaths and low noises Louis’ makes right into Harry’s ear. He holds both of Harry’s legs under his knees and spreads him open even more, so Harry hugs him the best he can with his arms, scratching his neck and releasing continuous moans every time Louis hits him spot on.

            It’s languid and it’s slow and it’s satisfying, really, it’s _lovely_.

            Harry wants more.

            “You know I can take it”, he whispers in Louis’ ear, trapping his earlobe between his teeth.

            “Yeah?” Louis asks in a defying tone. “You wanna take it?”

            “Just fucking give it to me, Louis”, he says and he is _so_ far from sounding as annoyed as ne wanted to.

            Louis gets on his knees and after what it felt like forever throws Harry’s legs up his shoulder, getting on his knees and pounding into him like he’s a ragged doll.

            _“THERE”_ , Harry yells, “that’s what I’m talkin—talking, _ahh_ , about—f-ffu—fucking fin- _ah_ ,  LOUIS", he screams and Louis does not stop, he isn’t even sure Louis is hearing him, he’s got his head thrown back and his hands squeezing Harry’s thighs, thrusting fast and hard. _Faster. Harder_. Harry will never regret asking for it.

            “So good, H”, Louis tells him at some point. “So good and so tight, always so _-fuck_ ”, he stops himself for a brief second, “always _so fucking tight- shit_.”

            Harry holds onto the headboard and is lifted from the air the second Louis realizes he’s got somewhere to hold. He leaves Harry’s knees supported on his shoulder and moves his hands down to Harry’s ass, spreading his asscheeks and squeezing them together again, hissing and making Harry fucking wail every time he shoves his dick into him again, always faster, always harder, restlessly hitting Harry’s prostate.

            “I- I’m—I’m so close”, Harry tells him with difficulty, struggling to keep his eyes open.

            “You are, love?” Louis asks, “what d’you want me to do?” He asks.

            “Keep- keep- _ah_ , keep fucking me--- _FUCK_ ”, he screams. “Just- Lou, I-”

            “What if I wanna stop?” Louis asks, slowing down his movements and _what no he cannot do that who fucking let him? LOUIS KEEP GOING_ , Harry screams in his own mind, not really sure if he’s said it out loud. Probably. Louis smirks and sits back on his legs, only the tip of his cock inside Harry again. Harry _needs_ to come, he doesn’t know for how _long_ he’s been hard, he does not care, he just needs to fucking _come_. “What if I don’t wanna give it to you, huh?” Louis asks again. “What if I want you to do it by yourself?” He says and Harry opens his eyes, Louis is completely still right now, only his head in Harry’s hole.

            “Love, _please_ ”, Harry pleads again.

            “I’m here, H”, he says. “Take it”, he then lets go of Harry’s bum and moves his hands up to his hips, pulling him on a sitting position when Harry’s arms fall from the headboard.

            Harry finally gets what he’s meant then and sits on his cock without another word and it’s _so. Much. Deeper_ this way that he _can’t even._ He isn’t going to last much longer, he knows he isn’t, so he just bounces up and down as fast and as strongly as he can, obliging his thigh muscles to work as he uses Louis’ shoulder and hair as support.

            Louis kisses and sucks and bites on his collarbones and he’s so sure he’ll be all purple come morning that just the thought of spending the rest of the week with Louis’s marks on him, just the thought of waking up sore because he was _fucked_ , because _Louis_ fucked him brings him to the edge, without even needing to be touched. Louis caresses his hair and back while he does it, and Harry squeezes Louis inside of himself as much as he can, letting Louis fuck him in this position with a few more thrusts before he’s coming as well.

            “ _Jesus Christ_ ”, Louis says stroking Harry’s back. Harry, who is still sitting on Louis’ cock because he cannot move by himself. “I love you more than everything”, he voices and it sounds like a confession.

            “I love you more than everything too”, Harry does the same, still trying to catch his breath.

            Louis helps him to climb out of his softening dick and maneuvers them so they’re laying side by side, facing each other. Harry’s own come is drying on his lower stomach and he should probably mind it, except he doesn’t.

            “That was—that was the best sex of our lives together, definitely”, Harry chuckles searching for validation in Louis’ eyes.

            “That was the best sex of _my_ life”, Louis tells him, one hand moving to cup his cheek, body scooting closer like now _he_ is the one who needs Harry. “You’ve always been the best—you’ll always be the best for me, H”, he says and looks down, cheeks reddening.

            “Hey”, Harry lifts his head by his chin, eyes watering so precious this moment is. “You too”, he says. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I let myself forget it.”

            “Yeah—same”, Louis chuckles and kisses him. “Never again, though”, he whispers.

            “Never again.” Harry agrees.

            They stay there for at least twenty minutes, trying to catch their breaths. Louis eventually asks Harry if everything were okay, if he were fine at the beginning, and Harry assures him that nothing was off limits, they’re just like before – they’re together and they love each other and, more than anything, they _get_ each other in a way nobody else in the history of the universe has ever gotten them.

            Happy with this answer, Louis finally gets up and returns with a bottle of water for Harry and a warm, wet cloth to clean him up. After that, Harry lies on his chest and paces his breathing with Louis’s, praying that there will never be a day in which they’ll be apart again. Harry is a believer. Harry knows there won’t be.

 

            “Hey, Lou”, he calls softly right before they fall asleep.

            “Hm”, Louis hums just so Harry knows he’s awake.

            “Did you know that every day our hearts create enough energy to drive a truck twenty miles?”           

            “Is that gonna be one of those terrible jokes at-” he looks at Harry’s alarm block on the bedside table “one am in the morning?”

            Harry huffs out a small laugh and refrains from rolling his eyes; it’s dark and Louis wouldn’t see it anyway.

            “No”, he tells him. “In a lifetime, this is the equivalent to driving to the moon and back.”

            “Still not following, babe…”

            “When you tell someone you love them _to the moon and back_ , you’re essentially saying you will love them with all the blood your heart pumps your whole life—” he explains. “Which I think is equally meaningful.”

            “That’s a lot of love, isn’t it?” Louis asks him chuckling.

            “It is.”

            “Hey, Hazz?” It’s Harry’s turn to hum in acknowledgement. “I love you to the moon and back.”

            Harry lets the words sink in in the darkness of his bedroom, and only after he’s taken three deep breathes he says them back to Louis.

 

            Tomorrow they will wake up and make love again. They’ll both be a little late to work, but nobody will mind that much. Ed will tell them they’re not being subtle at all and Jeff will hug them both tightly once they tell him that _yes_ , they’re very much together.

            On the weekend, they will skype with Jay and Louis’s family, promising to visit in the summer. Louis’s family will be thrilled and Harry’ will win the younger twins over in the blink of an eye.

            When Gemma comes visiting, so do Anne and Robin – they’ll say they couldn’t miss this for the world. Everyone will be extra happy because of them. Neither Harry nor Louis will know how to deal with it externally, although both of them feel will the same way: ecstatic. (They’re still getting used to being this happy.)

           

            At times, even a couple of months later, Louis will be watching TV or arguing with Niall and Harry will be staring at him from across the room, past, present and future crashing in his mind – he will be thankful for every single one of their days, including the ones they haven’t lived yet.

            One of these nights, they’ll offer to babysit for Louise to go on a date with her husband. Lux is half in love with Harry now, but just because the other half Louis managed to get for himself.

            They’ll spend the entire day playing around with her, and at the end of it, when she’s tucked in between them, sleeping and snoring softly as a Disney movie plays on Harry’s TV, Louis will look at Harry over her head and beam at him. He’ll hold his hand and ask him: _we are going to be all right, aren’t we?_

            _Of course_ he knows the answer. Harry replies anyway, because he is Harry. _His_ Harry, and he knows Louis needs to hear it.

            “I think we’ll be just fine.” The green eyed man smiles his Louis’ smile, the one that will never leave his face again.

            They have never been happier for starting over.

 

 

_“… And I can mend your broken parts that might fit, like this_

_And I will give you all my heart, so we can start it all over again.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for coming this far with me and reading this story.  
> There are more to come, promise :)
> 
> Love love love love to know your opinions.  
> See you xx <3

**Author's Note:**

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